5 year old boy, middle child, behavioural problems

[kirakira23]

I am at my wits end - literally! I am writing this from my hospital bed! I was brought in 4 days ago with what the doctors believe is stress-induced sudden hearing loss!!!

There`s a lot of crap that has been going on the last year that has brought me to this point (I am British but live in Japan so say no more really!)

But the one thing really bothering me is my little boy, aged 5. He`s a middle child, (older sister aged 7, younger brother aged 2) and he NEVER listens. We tell him time and time again, we reason, we negotiate, cajole, threaten, withdraw privileges, yell and scream but he does exactly what he wants to do. He has a lovely sweet nature but just seems to live in his own little world. I have noticed his behaviour has definitely deteriorated since we got him a wii for Christmas (go figure!).

I am really getting worried about him. He is showing signs of anxiety - fidgeting all the time, he bunches up a little bit of his shirt in one hand and strokes it compulsively with the other hand like it is comforting him in some way - this has got worse since I was hospitalised. He has tons of energy like any normal 5 year old boy, but never seems to be able to release it enough. He absolutely freaks out when we try to curtail his "wii" time (limiting it to an hour a day or withdrawing it for bad behaviour). He constantly asks to play computer games. It is normal to be so obsessed at such a young age?

He just seems to me (as a total non-expert) to be developing a kind of anxious, obsessive, addictive, unable-to-reason-or-listen personality. My father was an alcoholic who eventually drank himself to death, and I know I have a similar though less extreme personality type myself - not good at handling stress at least as you can see! So I am already very conscious of the genetic thread here and the importace of early intervention. I guess the one thing going in his favour is that, unlike my father or me, he actually has parents who are very aware of the potential dangers of the situation.

I instinctively feel like if I can find a way to understand, intervene and help him manage his emotions at this young age, I will be saving him from a very difficult future ahead of him. So can anyone recommend a book or a place to go for more professional advice as a starting point? I would be REALLY grateful! I know almost everyone with a 5 year old boy reading this will be thinking "Yep! Normal normal normal!" and I hope you are right, but with the family history n all I really want to make sure I do right by my boy in a way that wasnt done for me or my Dad. It has to stop here.

Many thanks

KK x

Our wii has gone 'to be mended' indefinitely because our nearly 6 yr old ds was becoming obsessed. He found it impossible to come away from it after his turn was finished without crying and screaming and spent all week talking about nothing else. We thought by limiting it to an hour on sat and sun and not at all during the week we were doing a good thing but we've decided that since it brings nothing but grief we need to get rid.
So he hasn't played for 5 days ( is half term here and usually he has a turn every day in school hols) and hasn't mentioned it since day 2. Behaviour is better and his conversation is more varied.
So I would suggest you start by getting rid of the wii

I agree get rid Wii, and limit tv. We have done that and are better of for it. When we first lived in new house we had neither for a month and the positive effect on ds7 and ds5 was amazing, they went back to creative play. Does he speak Japanese? Or have plenty of people around him that speak English? Maybe he feels like he needs to lose himself in a world he knows/can understand? Watch his behaviour and make a note of it you can look back on it see what triggers certain behaviours, note food he's eating too, you might see a pattern, you'll find it useful if you do end up taking him to a doctor.
You being in hospital stressing about him isn't going to help your situation much!!! Do you have anyone you can ask for a bit of help?

Firstly - 4 and 5 year old boys are notoriously hard work. With all 3 of my DSs, that sort of age was way way harder than the Terrible Twos or even, with the DS who is past it, the teenage years. Someone told me they get their first real dose of testosterone at that sort of age - don't know if it's true but it does help explain a lot of the behaviour.

And they get past it. They really do. Keep hold of that. I think you are right to restrict Wii use - yes, it is normal to be obsessed with video games at that age (and thinking about it, that's understandable - they're fun, they're challenging, they're often quite relaxing, they're a switch off from the stresses of life) but if you can detect a difference in behaviour as a result of the games then you need to step in. Or is it a case of researching different games? Some are high tension/keep beating your own score - some are quite mellow and calm.

And remember he's his own person - that addictive gene of your father's isn't necessarily there in him - he's had your mother's gene-pool and obviously your DH's is in the mix. Try not to project your shit past experiences too far onto him. You're right to be wary, but it's by no means a given.

Get rid of the Wii immediately. 5 is too young for computer games and it sounds like it's doing him no favours at all.

Other than that, don't read too much into his behaviour, he sounds like a perfectly normal, if energetic, 5 year old. Don't project your worries about your father onto him, and don't stereotype him as a 'middle child' either - he has an older sister so he's not really 'middle' - he's the eldest of your two boys.

He may well be seeking comfort, and that's what you're there for. There's a lot going on at 5 years old and he may be struggling to cope. Dealing with stress is clearly something that you find tough as well and some counselling or good books may help. The book Overcoming Anxiety has some excellent tips for changing thought-patterns and behaviours and may help you both.

Thank you SO much for all the speedy responses! Yes! The Wii will be gone! Just as soon as I can get myself discharged the hell out of here! Instinctively I was thinking that, but hearing you all say it has sealed it for me. I dont really even know why we caved and got it in the first place. I was under the impression that it could be "educational"? Being stuck here I dont know much about it TBH - not very techy and friends back in the UK have them and say they are "good exercise" or educational. My mistake!

we speak English at home, but he goes to Japanese kindergarten (4-6 years here, a bit like "reception" in the UK). He loves his school, and is comfortable in both languages so I don`t think that is too much of a problem. Although of course it is always something else that needs to be monitored!

He is the kind of child who is so chilled and laid back on the surface. Nothing seems to bother him, but then underneath you can see the stress escalating - like the grabbing the duvet cover or a bit of t-shirt and rubbing it thing. He can burst into tears quite easily too. My heart breaks for him and I desperately want to help him manage his emotions before he turns into the nut-job I used to be!

Its good to hear he is a normal little boy too. When I look at some of the little hoodlums he is at school with, I feel he is lovely (in my totally unbiased opinion!), but it is really VERY difficult to compare - all his friends are Japanese, and being raised by Japanese parents, and -well, its complicated - but its a very different culture to ours. He is being raised English-style - cant say it`s right or wrong, just the only way I know how!

I am lucky enough to have had the cavalry literally fly in today! Mum moved her flight forwards and arrived this morning! SUCH a relief, and I know now that in my absence he will be getting the loving and cuddles he needs. My MIL (Japanese) is up too from Osaka (we are in Tokyo9 and is incredibly helpful and practical but feather-light on any emotional stuff.

Its tough being here sometimes, because only one of my friends here has a boy my sons age, and she has her own set of problems with hers (he is incredibly sensitive) so I dont like to bother her too much. So I am new to mumsnet and greatly appreciate hearing from people just like you!

Many thanks

x

Mumsnet was a god send for me when I was in a different city from my family let alone country!!! Get better soon x

Husband has just been in to see me (with a GIANT bar of duty free Toblerone courtesy of Mum!!! YUM!) and we have talked and agreed - while I am in here the wii will continue just because we don`t want to traumatise him further with me in hospital but once i get out (hopefully in a few days) the wii will be gone.

We will then do all the other obvious things like cut down on sugar etc etc and then see how he goes. I will try to pick up a book on anxiety or obsessiveness in children (hard when you can`t "browse" in a bookstore here but i will try!).

Thanks again for all your help!

x

I think this was Mumsnet parenting book of the year last year ' How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will talk'.

I have a tricky 5 yo boy as well and it has made such a difference in giving me strategies to deal with him which avoid confrontation and escalating the situation. It's really easy to read and dip into and has v practical advice that you can put to use immediately. It has made such a difference to how I am with him, and he with me.

Ooh! That sounds exactly like what I am looking for! I will look it up on Amazon. Damn, I could kill for a kindle right now!

Its hard here, because most (or rather all!) of the books are in Japanese, which means a) Itll take me until hes a bloody adult anyway to plough through one! and b) its all "done" very differently here and there are certain aspects of how they are raised here that I just dont like or agree with or just doesnt suit our "value-system" (sorry to get all pop-psych but its the only way to explain it!) so I dont really want the advice of the Japanese experts.

So coming here and hearing about books I would never even know about otherwise is great. Dunno what took me so long! ;)

another one here who has found "How to Talk' invaluable. It's a bit american in its comic strip bits but has such sound practical advice that really works. e.g. my ds used to kick off when it was time to leave anywhere he was having a nice time. The book suggests using notes instead of nagging so I wrote a note from Woody from Toy Story asking ds to come home quickly to play with him. Gave the note to ds (he couldn't read at the time but I read it to him) and he came away with no fuss. I did different notes from toys for a week and had practically cured the refusal to leave problem by the end of the week.
There are so many good suggestions like that in the book.

I literally jusy typed into Google "middle child behavioural problems 5 years" (copy/paste)
Feel like you wrote my story exactly. Worried about my little guy exactly as you said...feeling that I am running out of time for him. Video games are part of it ( so bad for their little brains) but dont think its the root cause...Its sometimes almost like he is possessed, he is just so defiant and the temper! But then underneath he has the sweetest nature ever... I actually dont know what to do. Its like everything we do or say only exacerbates it! 😢

Have heard of that book...will check it out! Thx.