What do you do when your child isn't nice to people?

[cherrybug]

DD is almost 4 and we find her behaviour really quite difficult to manage. She's very contrary, bossy and defiant and whilst I know that's probably fairly typical of her age I find it hard to deal with. Am Reading How to talk..... and trying to apply some of the ideas but I just find it all such a battle.

The thing I'm finding most difficult to deal with though is when she's not nice to people. For example her cousin who is only 18 months came to visit today as did a couple of her friends. Because she wanted to just play with her friends she was horrible to her cousin. Wouldn't let him play with them, snatching toys of him, shutting door on him, telling him to go away etc. When he left she refused to give him a hug or kiss. She's behaved like this when in groups before, favouring one child and trying to exclude the other by being horrible to them.

How do I deal with this? I try to talk to her about it and explain it's nice to be kind to people etc but I know she either doesn't understand or doesn't listen. Is this a phase or is she developing a bullying streak? Her friends of similar age don't seem to act as mean as this.

Hi I had a similar problem, i found the how to talk problem helped and also watching supernanny clips on youtube of similar aged children gave me a few reminders too, and I realised that the way we were letting dd2 speak to us wasnt nice either so first I addressed that and tried to be consistent in disciplining her, i.e. warning and removing from situation
It wasnt long at all before things improved, I was surprised it was like she knew it was wrong but tested the boundaries. I still have to remind her sometimes and her personality too can be contrary. Hope this helps
Supernanny clips the jeans family was one of them i think

Agree with duvet, we had to address how she was speaking to us too and still have a row on her reward chart for nice speaking. It's hard when they get to a certain age and younger children are 'boring' but I always have a little prep talk before people come over and remind dd she must include everyone and how sad she would feel if she was the one being left out. If things get really bad after lots of warnings, I eventually tell dd if she can't be nice, she'll have to stay in her room alone while everyone plays nicely downstairs and follow it through if needed.

As for refusing to hug/say goodbye,I always just make a massive fuss to said child saying 'oh well never mind because I've got lots of extra hugs for you' and then normally dd will think she is missing out on something and will come over and say goodbye.

I think it is normal and I wouldn't worry about the bullying thing although I understand why you are not happy about it.

I encourage my DS to play with Baby Goo, she is 14MO. But I wouldn't expect him to. If he had friends round I would keep the baby out of their way and play with her myself downstairs.

I don't think you can make a child play with someone they are not interested in playing with, and I wouldn't see it as being something I could discipline them to do. What do you mean by 'being horrible?' In a group you do often find that one child gets excluded, and when my neices come over they rarely all play nicely. I try to make sure that there are a few things to do and make myself available for playing with the odd one out. I find that who is left out depends on their mood and the game they are playing, so I don't worry about bullying.

Obviously I won't tolerate them being mean to each other or hitting, but usually I rely on distracting them out of it.

Hopes for a quiet while they play are short lived!

I mean distracting them out of the 'leaving out'. Anyone hits anyone else and they'll be having time out!