'Soft parenting made monsters of my children': Daily Mail article

[EightiesChick]

Sorry but just had to share this classic DM effort to make us all think we should be beating our children with sticks.

I love the Mail-esque detail of the noodles being tipped 'all over my freshly washed hair'. As if a) we all still wash our hair every 7 days only in a tin bath in front of the fire, and b) as if your child tipping their dinner over your greasy in-need-of-a-wash hair would be better somehow.

These are not children from sink estates, either. I have seen raging children in the grandest homes

Implying that most badly behaved children are from sink estates. She deserves badly behaved children for that alone!

worldgonecrazy, I'm another one who thinks you have an easy child. My DD (3.5) is also an easy, quite compliant child whose tantrums are very short-lived. She's strong willed but not excessively so and responds very well to boundaries. I was exactly like her as a child. One of her friends is like this too but her three other friends are very, very different and not "easy" at all . I put it down more to her personality than my parenting style.

I know I have an easy child, don't think it's all down to our parenting.:) But we have always reasoned with her, we do have "boundaries" about what is acceptable and what is not (ie we will tell her when her behaviour is unacceptable) but I have never felt the need to punish or impose "consequences".

It's how my parents raised my sister and I, and I don't think we turned out too badly. Thankfully, the strong emphasis on reason and rational thought rendered us both highly unlikely to take anything in the Daily Mail remotely seriously. So there are certainly advantages to this approach!

I agree she seems 'soft'. But the bit about her ignoring her 4yo for snapping his sword and cuddles when he's calmed down didn't seem too bad.
Basically the child broke something in a rage and his punishment (natural consequence) is he doesn't have it anymore. I'm considered a 'strict' 'old fashioned' parent (I'm not but I do disapline!) and even I wouldn't dish out another punishment in this situation.

The bit that got my back up was about the 'sink' estates. Some of the politest and most behaved children I have met (work in education) have come from a area/ estate which would be considered to have a low standard of living compared to the UK average iyswim? Mostly because the se children don't get everything and are appreciative for what they do get, they have been allowed to be children and accept boundaries better and have learnt to amuse themselves.

And another here who has an easy child

working9while5. I say get your DC into a better Nursary! Ours has the perfect discipline regime: (very similar to what we do at home) If the child does something wrong that is very minor, then they are told off if a firm but calm way, made to say sorry and then it's left at that. If the child doesn't say sorry, carries on or does something a bit more major (like hitting, kicking or spitting,) they are put on the 'time out' chair for a couple of minutes to think about what they have done. More major (causing injury) offences or persistent naughtiness means being sent to the Nursary office for a telling off by one of the staff in their and 5 mins on the naughty chair in there. All these are of course 'ended' with a cuddle with the child. (Have to say, despite being sent to the office twice for a telling off the office staff are so lovely and generally have an open door policy to children and parents that DS loves going in to see them every day for a 'chat' but hates going in there for a telling off!)

worldgonecrazy - how old is your dd?

I think the problem is people often confuse non-punitive approaches to parenting with "soft parenting".

Non-punitive parenting doesn't use time-out in a punitive way and the belief is that punishing children for misbehaviour isn't very effective.

HOWEVER, done properly, the approach is NOT permissive and definitely does believe in setting and enforcing boundaries. And it does involve being very firm, but kind. (Not a million miles from 9to5's approach, by the sound of it).

Long lectures are indeed useless on children, at whatever age. But having a conversation about a situation (where the child contributes) can be one useful approach (after everyone's calmed down).

I think it's difficult not to "allow" a tantrum as, with the best will in the world, not all tantrums can be avoided. Also, ignoring the behaviour in a calm way can be very effective. Eventually, most children run out of steam and also learn that all the screaming and thrashing about won't get them what they want or be rewarded by attention. Sometimes you just have to bodily remove them from the situation, though and let them calm down somewhere else, depends what's going on at the time!

It's a tricky and fascinating area.

doesn't washing your hair and eating noodles give you cancer?

No, but reading the Daily Wail is bad for your (mental) health. Seriously, i have never been an angry or stressed out parent... until i read this article.

The author is not even really talking about 'soft parenting'. Sounds more like an absence of parenting to me.

All the parents I know who aren't firm with their children (and there are a lot) are dealing with spolit brats now (and I am talking about school age children). One friend whose DD kicked off big style every time they went shopping would buy her a toy each time to stop her havign tantrums . She ended up regretting that but she never told her off. My DH told her off once when she was here and she was petrified - he was just firm, no shouting. Did what she was told though.

I am very affectionate and loving with my kids but if they overstep the line I will shout at them or put them in their room. I am talking about when they hit each other etc. If they do something wrong because they don't know better it is another matter but they do take the piss sometimes. It is ok to tell your children off!

Funny for me to read all the comments as my DH works at the DM. I do agree that this writer is pushing all the buttons with this article. I feel like she expects us all to learn a lesson from her, but I've never parented in that way. I have a 5-week old and a 14 year old. DH and I have always set firm boundaries and while she has her moments, DD1 is generally polite and well behaved. When she's not then there's no misunderstanding that I'm not happy with x behaviour, but that it's the behaviour I don't love, not her. If there's boundaries and lots of love, then hard to see how things can go very wrong. Now watch the 5-week old prove me wrong, but here's hoping that what worked for DD1 also works for her.

I think WGC might (also) be blessed with the advantages of having an only child.

Must admit the article sounded like an implicit criticism of UP. Although I think the "very firm" approach backfires miserably with some kids. I think DS2 relishes conflict, actually, whereas sympathetic & reasoning approaches get us miles better results with him. There just isn't one best right way to parent every child, ime.

Well, at least the article isn't accusing women of having aggressive, difficult children because they bathed them in stress hormones throughout pregnancy and beyond and have irreparably damaged an entire generation of children... blaming parents for being too soft is much less upsetting.

your voice can't rise to a crescendo.
crescendo means "getting louder", so therefore it performs a crescendo, or it crescendoes, but it doesn't reach a crescendo.

Well, it can rise in pitch and then get louder.

oh, silly me, the article is blaming parents for being too stressed AND being too soft. And people pick up on the "soft" bit...