3.5 yo lacks od social skills... what to do???

[tostaky]

DS1 has always been high maintenance... from crying for three hours solid every night when he had colic as a baby to know where he still cries when i drop him at nursery (he's been there since he was 10 months...)

on the outside he is a normal little boy, yet he pretends to be a tiger to avoid dealing with people/situation; he turns his head away when an adult he is not familiar with talks to him; he ignores people so he doesnt have to deal with them.
he is fine with us and at nursery apparently....

the fact that he ignores people makes that he misses out of things he should be enjoyimg... for example swimming classes... he doesnt listen to the instructor and turns his head away to ignore him. he just play on his own in the water. he doesnt play with the other children when i organise playdates (apart from two other little boys), he plays along them but not with them...

any help???

oh sorry aout all the typos!!!!

It's the age (mostly). I couldn't put DS into things like swimming at this age for the same reason. Suits some children, but not others. Give it a year and he should have come out the other side- well DS did . I would keep doing play dates etc but keep them casual and don't pressure him to play with the other kid, he'll come to it in his own time. Pretty normal at this age to play alongside, DS certainly did apart from with the kids he knew the best until he was nearer 4. Hope that's reassuring.

thank you Tgger. but what about the fact he pretends to be a tiger to scare the other children and avoid playing with them?

did your DS do that too?

He sounds just like my ds age 4. However ds has a speech disorder which doesn't help, but I sometimes think he would be like that anyway!! He plays with his sister but won't make much of an effort with his peers. He will pretend to be a dinosaur or sometimes a cat. I think it's a mixture of shyness and wilfulness

You could have a look at PDA. It sounds a bit like demand avoidance, but I think most 3/4 yos go through similar tbh.

I didn't put dd1back in swimming until she was 6. waste of her time and my money.

what is pda?

the thing thatgot me really worried was that theswim instructor asked me if DS was at nursery and when i said yes, he looked surprised and asked me if if was interacting with the other kids. when i said yes, he said... mmh very strange...
maybe hewas thinking DS was slightly autistic or something... and that got me really worried..

so you think it is more a maturity thing?

i took a book about a dragon and a little boy at the library (about being bullied) and this morning in the car he said he didnt want to go to nursery because xxx was scaring him by pretending to be a dinosaur and that he wouldnt stop when DS asked him to stop.... so we had a little chat in the car about it and as a result (or coincidentelly) he didnt cry when i left him at nursery today....

hi there,

Ignore swimming instructor and speak to nursery. If they are fine, don't worry.

I simply wouldn't have put my DS1 in any 'constructed' learning activities at this age as he loved being feral - playing in woods etc. He was too immature to enjoy 'lessony' activities. He also went to nursery etc from a young age and was fine there.

He settled into school a dream and at 10 his behaviour at school has never been an issue. So having those feral years didn't do him any harm. If anything, it gave him time to chill and explore. He learnt to swim in Year 1 (5-6years) - no problem.

The 'pretending to be a tiger thing'. Hmmn? Has he always done this? We moved area when my son was 3.5 and changed nursery. To cut a very long story short - he was being frozen out at nursery. At nursery the other kids all knew each other really well. We know how all kids like to be chased and have a pretend monster - the only time the other kids played with him was when he was a pretend monster, so thats what he did to try and make friends. I didn't put two and two together until we went to a party and most of the other boys were really mean to him. It wasn't their fault, the nursery had not helped my son intergrate and make friends. The only game they wanted to play with him was monsters. Poor mite didn't have a choice.

I asked nursery to do observation and lo and behold they noticed that the other kids giving him the cold shoulder. Poor mite, he was only 3! This nursery was the outstanding nursery attached to the outstanding school. I withdrew him and complained.

What I now know is that the nursery is very good for most chidren, but it is useless for any shy children, children who have moved and are unsettled etc.

I'm not trying to scare you but am giving you another avenue to explore.

Well, he is still very young so may just need a little more time to learn to play WITH rather then ALONGSIDE others (I think typically kids do this around 2 1/2 to 3years).

However, you mention Autism yourself in a PP, so you may be considering Asperger's or AFA in the back of your mind. Gaze avoidance (especially with new people/situation), may be an indicator (or may be completely "normal"!). At that age my DS with Asperger's was very similar (and much better at home or in familiar situations where he would sort of merge into "normal/acceptable" much of the time as there were fewer triggers to set him off). It may be worth looking at some toddler/children ASD checklists online (but remember they are just checklists, will give you an idea but not a yes/no answer), and speak to the nursery/your GP if you think there are things that concern you about his development.

HFA, not AFA, typo!

Hi Tostaky

My lovely ds1 who is same age as yours growls at strangers all the time pretending to be a tiger/lion/dinosaur. he calls them names as well, nothing too bad, things like 'silly billy' and 'nincompoop' . He is like yours, fine with us and at creche so i think the other responses you got are spot on in that it is his age. Janx is particularly right about it being a mixture of wilfulness and shyness i think. (certainly in my case) :) i know its hard and i find it quite tough too. it is getting better though. we do chat to him all the time about it and try to get him to understand that its inappropriate but that we know he might feel a bit shy with strangers. I must reluctantly admit to having felt embarrassed at times and feeling sad because people must have a negative impression of him when he is in fact great. Good luck!

Yeah swim instructor doesn't know much about this age group really . I have only just put DS into swimming, he's 5.4. Even 6 months ago he wouldn't have coped. For him the big change came first doing school nursery from 3.10 then starting school this September- they only really get properly socialised and brain develop to cope with all those expectations when they start school- or at least that's how it's been for DS.

So you said he plays with two other boys- that's pretty good- maybe stick to those kids for a while unless there is another Mum you are friends with and want to meet? Re the awkward pretending to be a tiger etc, well DS didn't do this but he used to hide when people came to our house to play- and wouldn't answer them if they asked a question, used to just hide behind me. He is very confident socially now, gets invited to lots of birthday parties etc. I found best thing to do was not force the issue, actually he improved when I just accepted he was like this and just supported him- eg if you feel shy you can stay with me (when visiting my friends with children). He would often cling to us then go off and play after a while.

Yeah, give him coping mechanisms as much as you can re other children, but be confident and relaxed about it (he'll take his attitude from you to a great extent). Eg- well if he does it today then go and play with something else etc etc.