Please come and tell me what your high-need baby is like as an older child (especially if you can give me hope!)

[diyqueen]

DD (10 months) is - and has been from the start - what's often described as a 'high-need' baby. She doesn't sleep as much/well as most other babies, has boundless energy, is addicted to breastfeeding and loves being carried, cries at the smallest thing, is easily bored or frustrated, has to grab everything in sight and bash/chew it...

We love her to bits and she's the cutest, loveliest little thing (most of the time!) but I'm exhausted and in bleaker moments have visions of her growing up to be the sort of 6-year-old you see on Supernanny. We are making sure we're giving her boundaries and not giving in when she howls the place down at not being allowed to chew her dad's phone etc etc and are just hoping that with good discipline and lots of love her more endearing character traits will win out as she grows up.

So, out of interest, I was just wondering if anyone who had a similar baby could tell me what they're like as an older child?

Hiya, my high needs baby boy was a horrific baby really. Always had to be on the move. Wouldn't let me cuddle him to comfort him just wanted to be up on my shoulder and moving, I couldn't even stand still for a second with him. He'd never let me put him down til he was mobile. Would only nap ON me til he was 2. Appauling to get to sleep in the day. In to everything. Cried for everything, hated new people, loud noises, new situations. Needed constant stimulation yet too much stimulation and he'd melt down. Was like walking on egg shells with him. Anyway, just to give you hope- he's now 4 and the nicest, funniest, cleverest m ost engaging and wonderful little boy (yes I'm bragging but after the first 18 months of hell, I deserve it lol). He stated to change around the age of 20 months -2yrs. Though he still cried a fair bit but probably no more than most terrible 2s to be honest and after the first year and half I was so much more able to deal with it. For him being able to walk and talk were the turning points. Once he could walk at 11 months he lightened up no end though was still very sensitive and once he could talk in full sentences he has been a delight ever since. Such a reasonable and well adjusted little man which I never woukd have believed. I used to dread getting up with him and panic over what the next melt down would be over but those days were so worth it. He's lovely and so mature compared to most 4 years olds. Very gentle and loving too . God help me though, just had DS2 7 weeks and is another high needs screamer so I think there will be no more babies for us!

Agree with above poster.

My ds1 (now age 8.5) was awful Luckily for me most of his babyhood is a blue

He is now a very funny, sweet natured and loving boy. He is a great brother to ds1 (3) and we love him to bits.

(please note the large age gap though!!!! )

.........that should have read "blur"

I can possibly help you there, as mine was pretty much as you describe. As she got older, we took a fairly structured approach to her upbringing, firm boundaries, etc., as this is what she seemed to need. She calmed down lots as a toddler, once her language skills developed and we could explain things to her. Didn't really go through the terrible 2s at all (and we had been dreading it).

She is now 13. Academically she's a very high achiever - straight A*s and very creative, and always has to be doing something, so the constant stimulation thing definitely stayed. She still needs lots of attention/reassurance from us, and is very competitive about this with her younger sister. Argumentative but in a reasoned-out way rather than random strops. She's had a bit of trouble socially but is now happy in a group of friends who seem very similar in personality to herself. Kind to her sister but can compete/dominate a bit. She knows her own mind and seems very level-headed and secure in her own identity, and we're very proud of her .

Hang in there!

A lovely independent funny confident 4 year old. She still needs a secure base, so settling into strange environment needs a lot of parental input and she won't be left with people she doesn't know. However, she has settled well into school (with time and patience from me over the course of her first term), does swimming lessons with a parent watching from the gallery and has been invited to lots of parties and appears to be popular at school . She is very empathetic and caring, but still prone to throwing tantrums or going into meltdown (only at home) if things go wrong for her. She is also very cuddly and affectionate. Sometimes she needs more reassurance, but she is very capable and doing well.

Keep going! Those early years are hard with them stuck to you like velcro, but it will come right in the end. I have 3 DCs, and dd is the only one like this. The other two are totally different in personality.

Oh yes, we didn't get the terrible 2s either . She was v clingy still at 2, but very verbal and adorable. At 3 she became very awkward sometimes, and could argue her way out of a paper bag . That was quite wearing!

No, we didnt get terrible 2's either but ds2 is making up for it!

Yes, hope here for you to!
I can honestly say that until my boy was 5 and at school, my life was a misery.
He didnt sleep through the night entirely til he was 5 and at school.
He was destructive, always into where he should not have been, cried at nothing, i couldnt leave hm in a room alone for any length of time. Because he would systematically wreck it.
I stopped going out anywhere with him or alone, for an entire 10 months because it was public torture.
He wouldnt sit still at all ever..We made the decision to not have any more children it was so bad.
Now he is 8 and he is an absolute joy, gorgeous, funny, lovely.

The situation improves when you can successfully reason with them and when they develope a concience. SO much easier then.

Mine is now 3.6. He's great!

He started sleeping through the night at around 1, and generally has done ever since.

He has an amazing capacity for entertaining himself. He will sit for hours doing lego or jigsaws or drawing. I can really use this to my advantage! He likes to be near me though (in the same room), and asks more questions than I would have thought humanly possible (today he said "I'm sorry Mummy. My mouth and my tummy and all of the tubes in between are just full right up of questions and I can't stop them from coming out" . He does love to learn, and enjoys things like sums and practising writing and finding out about space / dinosaurs / submarines etc a lot.

He is fairly senstitive and quite shy with new people, but this is improving and he really comes out of his shell with people he knows. He's only in the last 6 months or so started to be comfortable in new / noisy type situations. He is slightly "quirky" and has some eccentric tastes, but only when you get to know him - he's into all of the usual little boy things too.

He can still be quite clingy with me (but was the ultimate velcro baby, would not be put down awake or asleep for the first 10 months of his life, so this is not surprising). No terrible twos here at all, or at least not until close to his third birthday, but the threenage stage has been pronounced. He does push boundaries a lot, but responds well to positive discipline. He is very articulate and doesn't so much argue as debate. Full on, thought out reasoned responses about why he is not going to do what I want him to do! He is also quite prone to amateur dramatics e.g. recently when I said "No" in response to him asking to go out on his bike, I was met with him flailing about on the ground whining "You said no! Again! Mummy I just cannot hear 'no' any more! Why do you always say no, mummy? You just say 'no no no'. I just wish that you loved me, and said yes. Even just sometimes. Oh, I wish you loved me......[loud sobbing starts...]" etc etc.

He has lots of little friends, despite the clinginess, and is lovely with his brother. I'm really happy with how he's turning out. Days can still be a bit of a rollercoaster with him but there's never a dull moment.

My Ds2 was high need from birth. Would not be put down. Wanted to BF all the time. Would not sleep more than an hour unless cuddled. Was a terrible sleeper all together until he was nearly 2. Did not crawl. Did not walk until 19 months.

Now he is nearly 4 and he such a delightful, happy little oddball. He is always being described as angelic (ha ha!). He is so laidback he is almost horizontal and he sleeps. Do not despair!

Friend of mine had a very high need baby - once they started sleeping through at and walking - both around 1 - they are one of the nicieist children I know - just didn't like being a baby very much

That's so reassuring, and much better than I expected to hear, thanks everybody! I have a bit of renewed hope now...
Rowanrowrow - 'I used to dread getting up with him and panic over what the next melt down would be over' - that sums it up so well!

I didn't realise how high need my DS was until I had DD 3 years later who was an angel in comparison. I thought it was normal for a baby to scream all day every day and then progress to major toddler tantrums whenever we left the house, or left wherever we were, or he didn't get what he wanted instantly!!

He is 7 now and still quite a difficult child I must admit but we are used to him now, we know what his triggers are and he is much better at controlling his temper due to pretty strict boundaries.

It is hard work but keep doing what you are doing as they are all the right things

Lackadaisycal,

It does get better, honest

My very high needs, never sleep, always on the go, baby is 18yo now and soooo much better!

Mental stimulation is the thing, keep them very, very busy (and the sooner these kids can read and write, the better!), lots of messy play, lots of outside time, and soon they will be old enough to keep themselves amused (soon wikipedia will be able to answer your DC million questions, giving you a well earned rest).

DS2 was terrible. I have hardly any good memories of him as a baby and toddler. In nearly every photograph of his first few years he is crying or got a whingey look on his face. Everything was a complete trial with him and I even stopped going to toddler groups with DS1 when DS2 was a baby as he would just cry and grizzle the whole time and everyone would look at me as if I was starving DS2 or just not comforting him in the right way or something. It just got too stressful to leave the house so we just stayed in for his first year, apart from visiting relatives' houses as they knew what he was like! He was soooo high-needs it was unreal. I gained plenty of grey hairs and wrinkles during his first 3 years, I can tell you!

I remember distinctly, though, when DS1 was at nursery - we were arriving for the morning and DS2 was 18 months old and whingeing and dangling from my wrist yet again. He always found SOMETHING to moan and whinge about. One of the nursery nurses opened the door and gave me such a sympathetic, knowing look as I sighed at it all that I wanted to cry. She said "Aw, my little boy was exactly like that at that age. Miserable all the time, no matter what I did. I can tell you now that at the age of 5 he is the sweetest, loveliest, smiliest child that ever lived and lights up the room when he walks into it. Your son will improve, I can guarantee it, and will be a completely different child in a few years, you'll see."

Well, I hung on to her words for dear life, and do you know, she was right! I think I started noticing sometime between the ages of 3 and 4 that he started having more happy moments than whingey moany ones and it has just got better ever since. He is now nearly 6 and is an absolute pleasure to be around - so entertaining and funny. Full of energy and charisma. Always trying to make you laugh and smile. He has learned to control the way he shows disappointment. He is bright and just lovely.

So, chin up! You can get through the demanding years, as horrible as they are, and come out the other side with a child who is a joy to be around!

ps, YY to carrying on being consistent with the discipline. You will make life hell for yourself if you give in even once to something you would normally stick to your guns for. I think these types of children are just "go-getting" types and just want to do whatever they feel like doing. When their intentions and wishes get thwarted for their own safety/social acceptability/our sanity, they can't seem to stand it and kick up a huge fuss! This character trait can be an advantage in some ways when they are older as it means they will throw themselves into things that other children might hold back on through lack of confidence or inhibitions.

High need bloody nightmare baby.
Hard work toddler
Very laid back self sufficient teenager,

My DD2 was over-sensitive in every way and a miserable child, cried for hours daily until she was 7. She has got better but is still so fussy, nothing is ever right. Some people are just like that, born that way.

I went the other way... DS2 was a pretty easy baby, easiest to put to sleep for instance. Seemed like an ordinary toddler & preschooler. Increasingly difficult since age 4.5yo (sigh).

DS1 was very angry, collicky baby, never slept, cried all the time, he got a little better when I stopped bfing (I'd really recommend it) and significantly better when he started walking about 1.
Now at 5.5 he's lovely most of the time, very calm and sweet not at all hyperactive, although he gets bored quite quickly and he doesn't need much sleep at all.
In year one he's one of the brightest and best behaved.
I'd recommend
Stop breastfeeding.
Go to lots of groups, activities and get out of the house loads
Put them in nursery for a couple of sessions a week!

DC2 and DC3 are nothing like their brother.

Very difficult baby and toddler. Nightmare pre-schooler. Now the most placid, easy-going kind-hearted amazing 10-year-old. I did semi-attachment parenting, wasn't massively disciplined or boundaried just played it by ear. From the age of 6/7 it just got gradually better and better. I hope that is reassuring.

My DD1 was VERY high needs. Never slept, didn't need food either (which was very stressful) Utterly determined from her first breath. I had my second baby only 13 months later because I figured another child had to be easier! ..he was too! I did every baby group and toddler group going to save my sanity!

We soon realised she was bright.. excelled at school but never followed the heard.. always independent. She was bloody hard work until she was about 11 when magically instead of becoming a hideous teen she became a fantastic young person.

She's now at Uni studying medicine.. she knew she wanted to be a doctor at the age of 4 ! She is still high needs tho, but in a good way.. determined and passionate about life. Never easy but always amazing...

Hang in there:)

Nightmare whingy, crying, clingy baby. Got to 10 months, learned to walk, and never looked back.

He's been the perfect child ever since! Never had the terrible twos either, and never had a temper tantrum ever!

Have faith!! And hold on in there!

DS was extremely needy. Didn't sleep unless held, and couldn't be put down until he was about 18 mo. As a child was into everything, constantly hurting himself, no regard for his personal safety and little awareness of that of others. Pushed boundaries constantly.

As a teenager, from 14 onwards, discovered what he liked (the great outdoors and yomping over moors) and has not stopped since. Now aged 18 and off at university and he never ever rings home. Makes a point of honour of being independent. He has certainly not turned into one of those young people that turn up every week with a load of washing. He can cook for himself, shop frugally, organise himself more or less. Take heart! It doesn't last for ever. Just keep hugging and hugging and eventually she will stop needing so much reassurance, I promise. It will get easier. Hugging will do her no harm. Invest in a sling unless you already have.