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Hitting. Please tell me it gets better.

2 replies

petaluma · 13/02/2012 14:31

My otherwise very sensitive toddler ds (2.5yrs) has regressed into hitting out at other children again. He went through quite an intense phase of this around the 20-24 month mark but seemed to come out of it. I was concerned then but not as worried as I am now as he seems to understand much more now that he shouldn't do it. I've done all I can and I've even taken to taking him home early from playgroup/softplay after a warning. We've had chats about it and he gleefully tells me 'no hitting today mummy' when I ask him if he's going to be a good boy at playgroup. However, good intentions are often short lived. It doesn't appear to be as random as it was- he usually only goes for kids he doesn't know and who he perceives to be in 'his space' or have a toy he wants. He plays so well with my friends' toddlers, with whom he is familiar.

Basically, I do fully understand that toddlers have strong impulses which they find hard to keep under control but, despite being consistent in my approach, he continues to do it. I need to hear from someone that it gets better!

I have a 4 month old dd too so going out, feeding her and keeping tabs on him, even with friends there, is a nightmare. I used to avoid softplay and groups when he was at his worst before, but these are now the only places we can go where I know he is safe to roam whilst I feed dd- otherwise we'd never leave the house.

I just want to know if anyone else has been through this, and how long it might last. I'm very down about it all and he's such hard work anyway that this is just another issue to complicate things.

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Daddyblog · 13/02/2012 15:32

Hi Petaluma. It gets better.

My DS2 is just coming up on two years old and going through the exact same thing. DS1 (now 4) went through a (mercifully) brief spell around the 2-year-old mark but is well out the other side now. No - it doesn't last two years, don't worry! Actually DS1 usually comes off worst in their conflicts as DS2 dishes out all the hitting/hair pulling etc. whereas DS1 (usually) knows better now.

Advice:

  • Keep that consistent approach, very important. Keep up the "making it not fun for him". As you said, kids are quite base in their instincts and learnings. If he hits kid A to get toy B - ensure that above all he does not end up with toy B at the end of the telling off. Even if kid A doesn't want it anymore remove it from your son. Otherwise the lesson is: "Hitting gets me the toy I want."

  • Praise good behaviour too. It can seem like a neverending uphill battle to curb bad behaviour - not fun for you or your son. No parent wants to be saying "No!" all the time - so praise the good stuff too. Basically, anytime he's NOT hitting, shower him with praise. Even if he's just sitting by himself; or playing nicely with your friends kids - make sure he knows how great that is, how proud you are of him, how wonderfully good he's being (really lay it on thick!). The message needs to become: "Hitting isn't fun. I get told off and don't get toys/fun/treats. When I don't hit Mummy's really happy, I'm really happy and all is well."

  • Finally, try some longer term reward scheme. For each day he doesn't hit someone he gets x (be that his favourite TV show; or a food treat; favourite story; bubbles in the bath or whatever) - again, shower with praise for making it through 24 hours (longer than this and kids at that age really can't relate it to the same day too much) and make it clear to him that "You're getting x because you didn't hit today."

Good luck! It really doesn't last forever, honest!

petaluma · 13/02/2012 21:10

Thanks daddyblog. Excellent advice. Consistency is the thing that's running me ragged- I am consistent, it is bloody hard work being so on the ball all the time for seemingly such little dividends.

I just need to hear it will pay off...eventually. I haven't tried the longer term reward thing. I'm convinced he will respond to that.

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