HELP NEEDED! 2 year old cries hysterically at bed and naps ....but only with me

[Girlsville]

Help and suggestions needed please.My DD1 has just turned 2 and in the last two weeks or so has become very unsettled at bedtimes. At naptime she stands up in cot screaminga nd shouting but after 5 mins or so of me goign in and out of the room she lies dwn and then I sit with her and she falls asleep within 5 mins and sleeps for 1.5 - 2 hours. At bedtime she is fine going into the cot but screams hysterically when I leave the so I go in and out and she ususally settles within 10 mins.
HOWEVER when DH r my nanny out her down at lunch or nap they just pop her in her cot and leave and she lies down immediately, doesnt make a peep when they leave and then goes staright to sleep.
Am I doing soemthing worng? Why is she only like this for me!! Any tips??
(PS am currently SAHM as also have a 9 month old baby but am back to work parttime in a fortnight so who knows whetehr this will adversely affect her even more!)

Hi Girlsville,

Ouch - sounds like a real heart-string tugger.

Sounds to me like your DD is very attached to you (which is great) but maybe she's concerned that, when you leave, you won't come back (kids are kinda illogical like that). This may be especially accute given you've got a new baby around the house ? going from 24/7 Mummy attention to, at best, 50% of that is hard for kids.

When you put DD down for naps, is it always you that is there when she wakes up too? I'm just trying to think of it from the point of view of an hysterical 2-year-old who's thinking "I can't let Mummy leave, or she'll never come back!" - do you always 'come back' as it were?

Another possibility is that it's a bit of a power struggle. My DS1 had a similar thing with my DW. In a nutshell I was 'bad cop' and when I put him down, unless he was in serious distress I didn't go back. My DW tended to go back to him more often if he was upset - so he learned that: crying was kinda pointless with Dad unless it was really bad; and that 'Mummy comes back if I cry'. This is a pretty powerful lesson for a child having that 'power' over a parent.

Is it possible you could get some help short-term around nap times? What DW and I did when she put DS1 down was - once he was down IF there was a lot of tears, I'd go and check on him.

This breaks the 'power' link from child to Mum; but also helps reassure the parents that the "What if this time he/she really IS upset/hurt/on fire?" worries are just that - worries.

Basically, what you want is for DD to be reassured, laid down again, given a little comfort (if needed) after you've put her down and that's it. Then, at the end of naps you can go in all sunshine and smiles to help reassure her that Mummy always comes back in the end - so no need for the dramas.

It can be really hard to sit on your hands whilst someone else checks on them, when every instinct is telling you to charge up there and check they're ok. But it's worth it in the end - for you and her.

Hope that helps. Good luck!

Thanks Daddyblog for lots of good advice.

DD1 is actually ok at bedtime now for me so its just the nap I have to deal with. Unfortunately during weekdays there is noone else to go in and reassure/check she is ok as DH at work. Today (a slast week) she was horrific when I tried to put her down, standing up immediately, screaming "No SLEEP" etc. This went on for about 10 minutes with me continually lying her down etc and then she went to sleep. When DH puts her down she cries but lies down immediately and clsoes her eyes. I do think she sees him a bit more as bad cop as you say.
However, I just dont understand why she isn't getting the messgae that there is no point having a tantrum at naptime because I have never once lifted her out the cot and let her miss her nap (she still clearly needs it) and she always lies down after 5 -10minutes when I put her down ie she is not every gainign anything from her tantrum/winning the battle as it were.

are you sure she still needs it? sometimes they are trying to drop their daytime nap when this kind of thing happens, mine really fought against his by 22m and stopped them altogether (using any time he was put in his cot during the day as trampoline time instead grrr) before 24m. He was a bit gizzly around teatime each day for a week or so but then it just became normal not to have a nap and he goes straight through the day now and sleeps like a dream at 7pm! he's 27m now. Occassionally he will lay on the sofa mid afternoon with a book pretending to have a 'read and rest' but no naps, and its been better for it overall... might be worth trying a day or 2 without see what happens? :)

I agree wiht brightonbeach.

My DD started doing this at 15months and by 17months had dropped the nap entirely. She was fine, occasionally fell asleep on the bus on the way home, but otherwise had no problems at all. DS who is 2.5yo hasn't had a nap in the daytime for at least 6 months, when we realised that making him sleep during the day meant he wasn't sleeping well at night. He is fine too, the only times he goes to sleep is occasionally in the pushchair or the car if he has had a really busy day.

Both of them screamed when I put them in the cot but were more amenable with Daddy

Thanks brightonbeach and R2PeePoo.

The only reason I think she still needs it is because when she does go down (and she does actually go down with me, just after all the hysterics) she sleeps for at least 1.5 hours if not longer. Likewise if DH or the nanny put her down. If she was only sleeping for half hour then I would definitely not bother with it. Perhaps it is worth a go?

Meanwhile tonight she did actually scream at bedtime when I left the room (albeit only for a couple of minutes). Normally she is fine with me and needless to say last night when DH put her to bed not a peep when he left the room.

I cant work out if she is genuinely distressed at teh thought of me leaving (possibly at bedtime) or is just playing up for me (more likely as it is really just a tantrum at her nap and not distress). She literally does not make a peep for anyone else. Is tough love and letting her scream the answer???

still worth IMO, nighttime sleep can be so much better without the day naps. Mine will occassionally have the odd nap, i.e., on the way home from somewhere in his buggy if its early-mid afternoon and he will then sleep and hour or more but the night sleep is much harder then, he won't go down easy and will have a disturbed night. Strange isn't it all?? :) My DS plays up more for me than Daddy also, I hear many mums say the same, don't know why...