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help me make sense of 3 year old behaviour (am I being an idiot to be worrying?)

8 replies

rhetorician · 12/02/2012 21:43

dd1 is 3; she has recently acquired a sister (10 weeks ago) and has - as these things go - handled the transition well. She is fine in terms of milestones (can count a bit, knows a few letters etc) - but is often shy or timid - she will retreat if there is another child on a climbing frame or slide. Getting her to listen can be hard, but her behaviour is generally ok (for a 3 year old); but certain little things worry me slightly. Other people have started to notice that she is a bit odd/different

  • she sometimes either seems to forget what things are called, or muddles things up
  • in social situations she is either completely passive/silent OR
  • she runs around screeching - often touching people's faces as if for reassurance
  • she doesn't seem to care much if we disapprove of her actions
  • she won't focus or concentrate on a task - often abandoning it before she's finished
  • she makes up a lot of nonsense words/sentences (this is relatively recent)
  • she sometimes doesn't respond to questions/requests (I know, she's 3!)

She goes to nursery 20 hours a week, where they have raised no concerns - her speech is very good, she is toilet trained, sleeps through most nights, eats ok (if very messily) - can do puzzles, handle books, etc etc.

Maybe I'm making a mountain out of a molehill (DP thinks so), but there is something that doesn't seem quite right - although she is lovely, affectionate and so on. Perhaps it's just shyness/uncertainty about how to handle herself? If so, how do I help her with this?

Thanks for reading - that turned out a bit long

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PrincessScrumpy · 12/02/2012 21:57

It may be that she's needing a bit more reassurance at the moment - possibly due to her new sibling but also just due to her age. She will be starting to worry about what other children are doing or think of her etc. My dd will be 4 in a week and it sounds familiar for her past year. We didn't have the face touching but she would refuse to say goodbye to people and get really funny about it or overwhelmed by social events etc.

The nonsense talk drove me mad but it came from her watching Baby Jake - now banned in our house. She did watch it the other day as I was in the kitchen and the TV was on. She ran in to tell me it was on but she really wanted to watch it and promised not to do baby talk after.

It might be worth getting her hearing checked but my dd often is selective over her hearing... I think they get wrapped up in what they are doing and struggle to multi-task.

I had twins in August, and although dd was really good, her behaviour did change a bit, Once Christmas was out of the way she seemed to settle properly and is much more at ease... it helps now the babies are smiling at her a lot.

Keep an eye on her but probably just normal developing. Reassure her about social situations and tell her in advance what is going to happen. 3yos don't like being caught out.

caughtintheact · 12/02/2012 22:01

I'm not sure I can help make sense of her behaviour, she mostly sounds like a normal 3 year old to me!

However, your post strikes a chord with me because I have the same sort of age gap between my dd and ds (they are now 5 and 2) and I clearly remember worrying about dd at that time when she turned 3 and ds was 3 months ish- particularly her attention span.

I think it was probably me and not her! The adjustment to thinking about 2 children takes a while and your attention being taken away from her will not only affect her behaviour but also the way you see it. I think it is too easy to expect too much of the older one when you have a new baby. So maybe your DP is right? Have you raised your concerns with nursery- they can be very reassuring as to what is normal 3 year old behaviour as they see so many!

BikeRunSki · 12/02/2012 22:02

Apart from the timidity/quietness in social situations, sounds exactly like my 3.5 yo DS, who has also recently aquired a sister, 16 weeks ago.

rhetorician · 12/02/2012 22:03

thanks - a very balanced response, for which I am very grateful. She isn't a confident child and she is easily overwhelmed by things - and I think the face stuff is an attempt to connect with people. She does get very upset if people don't say goodbye properly; today was odd in that she met a little girl that she's been very excited about meeting, and then I think neither of them could handle it. The other child was very shy and quiet and my dd1 isn't used to having to take the initiative. I had tried to give her some strategies (why don't you ask x to come into your tent for some cake? why don't you ask x if she'd like to see your new big girl bed?) but these went out the window when it came to it.

She is also a bit under the weather, and we have had a lot of sociability this weekend between one thing and another.

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PrisonerOfWaugh · 12/02/2012 22:08

She sounds just like my DD! And completely normal for 3yo. DD is now just about to turn 5 and has really come out of her shell (nursery helped a lot), she is still quiet in social situations, and often won't talk for at least 10 minutes (even with people she knows). However once she is confident she really blossoms Smile

rhetorician · 12/02/2012 22:12

thank you all - I feel much better now; she certainly misses having as much attention although I do try pretty hard. I don't really know many children of her age, except for her cousin (6 months older) who seems to be exceptionally mature and socially confident (also super bright), so my dd often seems quite babyish in comparison, not least because she is very small for her age. She can behave very well though which is a good sign.

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nearlytherenow · 13/02/2012 09:47

Hi rhetorician, I think I posted on another thread of yours recently.

Your DD does sound quite similar to my DS (now 3.6). At around 3 I had real concerns over his behaviour and his social interaction. He was, to be blunt, a bit of a nightmare in any situation which involved him interacting with anyone other than very familiar people (although generally good at home and lovely with me and his father). If people he didn't know (waitresses, checkout operators, even friends' parents who he didn't know well) spoke to him, he would scream in their face (as in make a loud shrieking noise) and look terrified. Then he got increasingly verbal about it, and would be extremely rude (e.g. "go away! no no mummy don't talk to that lady" etc etc).

I'd had DS2 when he was 2.8 (the behaviour started in the late stages of my pregnancy and got much worse once DS2 arrived). I'm sure this was somehow related to it.

I posted on here and was very concerned, and considered speaking to HV / GP as I did think that he might have some underlying issues which we needed to address. Eventually I spoke to a very good friend who has some experience in this area. She advised giving it a few more months (this was August - we decided to leave it until Christmas) and then consulting a HP if things hadn't improved.

By the end of this time frame he was fine, and behaving "normally" (for a 3 year old) again. This particular "phase" lasted quite a while, maybe about 8 months, but it did pass eventually and he is much more socially confident now (although still a fairly quiet and shy child) - the really alarming behaviour has stopped.

I think what I am trying to say is that difficult behaviour from a 3 year old is normal, especially when you add a new sibiling into the mix. Obviously nobody is qualified to really comment on your DD's behaviour on the basis of a thread on here, but on the basis of what you've said I don't personally think her behaviour sounds outwith the realms of normal, and would definitely suggest giving yourself the "breathing space" of accepting that it may take a few months for her to work through this phase, rather than looking for a quick fix. HTH.

rhetorician · 13/02/2012 13:48

nearlytherenow yes you did and with great kindness and wisdom, as here. I think she is just overwhelmed by her feelings, her desire to be with people, but her lack of skills for achieving this - she is fairly good usually one on one - but finds it hard if there are a lot of people and the screeching (it's good humoured rather than distressed) is obviously a coping mechanism

thank you so much

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