Is this the Terrible Twos? How can I deal with the tantrums?

[Spearshake]

My 19 m.old son is beginning to have more and more crying fits. Often I can't even figure out why he is upset. I have tried all sorts of tactics; distractions techniques, singing, favourite CDs.

He has recently started banging his head against the high chair, so hard the chair starts moving across the kitchen floor.

This tends to happen more towards in the evening, so I realise he's probably tired after his day at the nursery.

Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with these temper tantrums?
Also, are tantrums a result of feeling frustrated? Is there anything I can do to alleviate this?
It just makes me feel so helpless.

I really sympathise, it's hard. But they'll come in peaks and troughs i suspect. I've been starting to go through this recently with DS at 14 mo.

If he's tired, put him to bed without a bath. Explain things to him calmly and warn him what you're going to do next so he's not taken by surprised. I know it sounds silly but talk to him like you know how he feels - "i know you're frustrated, but if you do this, this will happen". Also, give him a chance to choose things for himself and exercise his independence - e.g. offer him the blue or the red socks and ask him to choose.

It's more about preventing tantrums before they happen or stopping them before they get too bad. I've resorted to ignoring DS, not reacting. At that, they don't care what reaction they get as long as they get one. React to and praise good behaviour, ignore the bad.

Yes, it's frustration. Imagine wanting something, or feeling something you cannot express. As they get older they acquire the communication skills to explain what they want. But until then it's trial and error.

Best of luck.

Oh, and it's because they feel powerless and dominated too, so pick your battles. Save your energy for stopping him chewing on the electric cable.

Hello Matana and thanks so much for the advice. I'm not sure I have the strength to ignore him even though I know rationally that this would be the best (not to feed his emtion, etc, etc)

Also, I'm worried he will fling himself about the place and bang his head on the floor.

At the moment, I tend to hold him. He stops crying for a while, then if I look at him, or speak to him, he's off again!

If I can see what the tantrum is about, ie he wants to hold my mug of hot tea, or similar dangerous thing, I can usually say simply, 'hot tea, find something else to play with' and give him a book/toy. This usually works.

It is the mystifying crying for no apparent reason that I find hard. This evening, he gave me his signal he was hungry, so I said 'let's get dinner' and then when I served up the food, he started banging his head off the chair.
(no comments about my cooking please)

Sounds to me like typical frustration tantrum when he can't make you understand. Eg he signs hungry but wants fishfingers which he cant say or sign but remembers from last week, you dish up pasta, he goes nuts! Speech will help a lot and so will more signs. One of my darlings was dreadful with her tantrums and at 2 and a half has far less than she did at 18 months

I totally understand what you mean about finding the strength to ignore tantrums. I have been known to (leave child in totally safe room) and walk away. I wouldn't leave a crying child for a long period but sometimes you just need a minute!
Totally agree with twin about speech. Communication makes life a lot easier!
How about a bean bag to put him on or a big pillow so he can't hurt himself if he head butts? I held my son in a tantrum once (car park so safety first) but he just got more wound up! Just think of all the future tantrums you will avoid if you ignore them now!!

My 16 1/2m ds did this for the first time yesterday. Previously he'd had little strops and thrown things on the floor but yesterday was a whole other level. I don't know what started it either really. We were travelling home in the car, short journey, he was tired but whereas normally he'd just fall asleep he started moaning , this escalated when we got home to screaming and throwing everything within reach onto the floor. He was inconsolable and would just wriggle away if i tried to cuddle him. Memories of my older son doing this surfaced and i held back and ignored him. Eventually he got back to very tired crying and then let me cuddle him and after a while he fell asleep.

Ds1 used to headbang too which was horrendous. I would restrain him from doing that which would make him madder but i obvo=iously couldn't just let him bang his head against the wall. :(

I agree frustration was a massive part of it, his speech was quite late. Communication definitely helped. The worst thing is your instinct is to comfort them because they're so distressed but you can't because they won't let you. It's not like them wanting a biscuit and you saying 'no' and them objecting - it's a different level of tantrum I think.

The only thing you can do is try to stay calm and be ready to comfort when they're ready.
Also i agree about the averting tantrums by offering choices - but when the tantrum is over not being able to get the toy car out from under the sofa and wanting to do it all himself without help that isn't really an option.

Your advice and observations have all been spot-on. THANK YOU!! I even have a game plan now, which is 1/ distract at first signs of tantrum coming on 2/ if that fails, ignore, by walking away to a different part of the room, studiously doing something else (keep little eye on him to make sure he doesn't injure himself) - Wolfiefan - I like the beanbag idea, but not sure if I could get him on the thing in time! - 3/ don't have a 3, so will have to wing it after that.

Let's call it 'adopting a flexible approach' at point 3, because that makes it sound like I know what I'm doing. Hee hee!