Yet again!!!!

[lilmum1]

Yet again we've been called in again to talk to the teacher because of a couple of things DS1 has done at school.

Apparently he punched someone in the leg - they were both play fighting but obviously this hurt the other person so told the teacher. The teacher did say it was through play fighting and it wasn't nasty (iyswim) but he was told not to play fight (not the first time either ).

He also flicked someone with some card However, he insists someone did it to him first and this person didn't get told off
I'm inclined to believe him.

I know through having a friend who works in his class regularly that DS1 is always the one who gets 'caught'. She tells me someone will do something to him and instead of telling the teacher, he'll do it back instead BUT he's the one to get caught and alot of the time the person who did it to him first won't always get told off too?

Now my son is no angel but he is like this even at home or when I'm with him and we're out - if someone does something to him, he'll do it back instead of telling.

I don't know whether to ask for a chat after school tomorrow with the teacher because this is getting ridiculous now

I want to know if the other children involved are getting told off too and I want to know if whoever is on playground duty is getting BOTH sides of the story before punishing.
I also want to know what they're doing to help him in school - because so far all I get is the teacher telling me what he's done wrong, no solutions or anything.

Don't get me wrong DS1 is rightly so being punished - I've no qualms about that - and I do star charts at home, he gets rewards for being good and punishments (toys taken away or he's not allowed to friends house or footy training or something like that).
I'm constantly telling him how to deal with a situation at school; if someone does something to you, DON'T do it back. Ask them to stop and if they don't TELL A GROWN UP.

I even repeated this this morning to him before school!!!

I do not want him behaving like this and I'm trying so flipping hard to help but clearly it's not working and I don't know what else to do???

I'm really fed up now and OH dreads going to the school gate now incase he gets called in

I'm actually in tears writing this I'm that sick of it

How old is your son? You need to go into school and ask them how they want to deal with his behaviour. I would take a notebook and record what they say and any deadlines. If the class teacher isn't much help ask to speak to the SENCO. You might also ask for advice from your local parent partnership, they can be found via www.parentpartnership.org.uk/.

He's 5, nearly 6.
Thanks that is a good idea, I will ask to have a meeting tomorrow.
I'd completely forgotten we have a parent support worker so I will speak to her too.

Thank you for your reply and help x

I agree with your stance lilmum1 about advising your DS how to handle issues but there are some children who will just deal with it by doing it in return to show the other child they are not a pushover. Perhaps he feels justified in his actions?

He may feel justified in his actions but the fact remains if he is the child SEEN by an adult doing something nasty or painful to another child HE is the one who will be in trouble. A playground supervisor might not "punish" the other child on just the word of a child who has been observed being aggressive. towards that other child.

Even if another child is getting into trouble as well you won't know as your not parent to that other child.

Any intervention the school put in place will need a bit of time to see if it works in this case, and it may not, in which case something else should be tried. school can't magic away this behaviour, it will take work and time.

I agree with UniS.
My ds has been in trouble for hitting, and usually if you talk to him he has got "justification". Sometimes he has asked the person 2 or 3 times to stop it before he's lashed out. However I always say to him that there is no justification for hitting and he should tell an adult, and he is getting better. The school are aware that this is the case, and watch out for situations which can become inflamed around him (and others) and this term he has managed to avoid it almost all the time.

The problem is at that age, (and older) person A walks past person B and scrapes them with the card. Person B thinks they did it deliberately so pushes the card into person A.
Or Person A pushes the card into person B's arm on purpose but fairly gently, so person B slams the card into person A's face.

In both those cases, person B might think their retaliation was perfectly just. However a bystander would be able to tell the difference and see that person A, whereas possibly provocative, person B was the one who escalated it.

They won't tell you if the other child is getting into trouble, and really it's not the point. The point is that your child needs to learn not to do it back.

Thank you for your replies :)

DeWe it seems like you have been (or are in) a similar situation and I'm glad you say he's getting better.

I totally get that he should be punished as he's the one who has been caught and he's done something wrong - however, I don't think it's very fair if he's the only one getting told off?
Maybe this IS besides the point but I can't help thinking it.

I think my issue is, the school are continually telling me my son is doing something wrong. I'm doing as much as I can at home, but I'm getting getting and solutions from the school nor am I under the impression they've put anything into place for him?

I've told him this morning to keep away from this certain boy who seems to be the main one - so he can't get into any situations with him.

However, quite funny, but I dropped my son off this morning and said child ^ was in the cloak room with my son and pushed him.. I walked in as this happened and he looked at me and ran into the classroom. My son just looked at me and said 'See!'... I just told him again not to play with him, or just try to stay out of his way and then he won't be put in these situations.

I'm going to arrange to speak properly with his teacher after half term - I don't see the point in talking today when all will probably be forgotten by the time they're back.

I'm going ask her to keep him away from certain individuals in class so he hasn't got the opportunity and will just ask her what we can do together to help my son.

Arrggghh, just so stressed out with him right now :( I'm not very happy and it's just making me feel like such a rubbish parent.

I'm not one of these people who don't care what their children do or how they behave - I do!! :(