Reactions to family bereavement

[Finbar]

Wasn't sure whereabouts to post this ...but here goes:
I was wondering if anyone had suffered a family bereavement (in our case a loved grandma) and had to deal with difficult or unusual behviour from the DD or Ds afterwards?

My DD (aged 5) has not been herself since her grandma died. We explained it as best we could without overloading her. She has seen me and her Dad upset, but able to talk aboutit and find positive things. But she has definitely become more difficult recently - more cheeky, less likely to listen to anything I say and a bit up and down in her moods.

Then quite unsolicited, her teacher told me that she hadn't been herself, that her drawing had turned into scribbling and that she didn't seem keen to work.

I really don't want to make to much of this if it's just a natural phase...but has anyone had any similar experiences; I'm not sure what to do next apart from keep giving her lots of love and reassurance.

Than yo ks - what a lovely message.

DD saw her grandma about once every two months - but was close to her and very affectionate towards her . The bereavement happened in half term. I find it difficult to know when to bring it up or even whether to at all. She did ask the other day on the way to school which cloud grandma was floating on.

I can't think of any other cahnges there have been in her life recently - she seemed settled at school.
I wonder if her behaviour is happening because of anything else - but I can't think of any reason. There's been a few shift in friendships at school - but nothing major. It's so hard to be patient when she acts aggressively or doesn't listen to anything.

Finbar loads of sympathy to you xx

My father died in February, my ds never sees his dad, and as my parents live just a few minutes away "grandad" was a very very special person. He died very slowly from lung cancer - and in some ways the fact that the process was slow helped in that ds was able to deal with each stage as it occurred. The last few weeks of my dad's life were spent in the hospice - where we visited most days after school.
The day after dad died I tried to take him into school - until then he really had been "model pupil" - he screamed and yelled and refused to let go of me - I had lots of "helpful" parents standing around saying "ooh he's not normally like this" - I left there and then - taking him with me - it was 2 days until half term so we had about 10 days just us, talking at any point he wanted to. I'm not religious - so found the whole star/cloud/heaven thing quite difficult. He is left with grandad is in a "rave yard" - sounds fun to me - and knows that grandad loves him wherever he is and whatever he is doing.

I sorry this post is rather long and doesn't even answer your question - just a subject so close to my heart.

I think it's all just a matter of time - be as honest as you can and listen whenever they need to talk - cliche but time really is a healer - even when you're 5.
xx

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Thank you for sharing all your experiences. Although it must have been hard Jammania - it was still quite reasuring to hear that your model pupil DS suddenly changed. DD seems not to be able to concentrate very well at present, although we had a better day yesterday. I've been reading the Christopher Green Beyond Toddlerdom book - which is actually quite helpful.

Finbar, when my father died last year we seemed to have most problems with youngest dd (then 5), as she ws the one who would get obviously upset etc. Eldest dd didn't seem too badly affected. She finished the year with her teacher and then started a new year in a new class and I thought everything was ticking along nicely, parents evening in September went ok. We still talked about my dad a lot, and I suppose I was gradually coming to terms with it too. We had a goodish christmas which I had been dreading, as the previous christmas we had spent with my dad (it was his birthday) and had a big family party - the works, then my dad died very suddenly a few months later. When I went to see eldest dds teacher in Feb, she kept saying how much dd had changed since christmas, very well-behaved, trying really hard with her work etc - all the things I thought she had been doing all along. Her teacher even said she had been 'difficult' prior to christmas. She hadn;t mentioned anything, as she thought that was her normal behaviour (new teacher to school as well). In retrospect, I suspect she was also finding things very difficult to come to terms with, but wouldn;t discuss them with me as she thought it would upset me too much (she is very empathetic) and this was affecting her behaviour at school.
Sorry this is such a long post, but just wanted to reasure you that it does sound like your dd is behaving very similar to the way mine did, and she did get back to normal eventually. Children need time to grieve also, and sometimes it can take quite a while, but if you keep talking about grandma, and eventually she will remember the best things without remembering the tears, and so will you.
Love & hugs

Finbar, sorry to hear about your dad. My dad died 7 years ago when my kids were 10, 8, 6 & 4. They were all upset, obviously, but the eldest & the 2 youngest seemed to come to terms with it. My 8 yo had problems which went on for ages. TBH I can't remember now what he actually did, but already a v quiet child he became even more withdrawn & fragile.

I got so worried about him that I called CRUSE and a really nice lady came to our house once a week for about 3 months to sit with DS on his own, talk about grandad and make up a book of drawings about what he remembered and how he felt.

I didn't pry into what they talked about (although I saw the book when it was finished- the drawings were beautiful & brought a lump to my throat). After that he seemed more like his old self. There haven't been any long-term problems with him that I can see.

I was amazed that a child of that age could need counselling AND get so much out of it. Another avenue to consider.

Hi all - to cap utter depair at my lovely lovely father dying in February - my wonderful grandfather died today - he was 88, heart failing, virus on top of virus, my ds, age 5 was heartbroken that we were no longer going to have his 60th wedding anniversary party - due in 2 weeks time - he was so sad for me, as i'd "done threading" - translates as cross stitch card, for them.

I'm feeling really low, lost my dad and now my grandad within 9 months, life isn't fair!!

jammania
So sorry to heasr your news. Such a difficult time and especially with the celebrations you had been planning. Life really isn't fair and I don't know what to make of it.

I found a picture my DD did this morning- it's of me and Dh her and her Grandma - found it really moving (also wonder whether omitting her brother is significant!!)

DH still finding it hard to deal with fact he won't see his Mum again and has been doing all the sorting out including looking at old photos which is so hard.

Hope you are doing ok./

Sorry can't write a longer post at moment. You may find the book Badger's Parting Gift by Susan Varley very helpful to use with the children - I did and my eldest two seemed to make some sense of things.

HTH

butterfly

Thank you