I need to learn how to deal with tantruming toddler...

[onelittlefish]

DS1 is 2.7 yrs. He has just started nursery. He is a nice child most of the time and is doing really well at nursery.

At home recently his behaviour has been erratic - one minute lovely and the next minute a full-on tantruming toddler. This morning after I got up he told me he hated me and has been playing up a bit all day. I have just tried to change his nappy and firstly he would not lie down, then he kicked me and then persisted in throwing himself around. Up until today I would say I had been relatively calm with him - but just now I lost it. I really told him off and gave him a smack without any warning. I feel really angry - partly at him (because he never does what I tell him) and also partly with myself.

I am actually feeling a bit upset by my own reaction - I am usually quite calm but now I am realising that I need to find a way of dealing with his tantrums. I don't feel I am being a particularly good mother to him at the moment. The only person he seems to want is daddy even when we are doing fun things together. DH works from home and I have always found it hard to separate daddy time from mummy time and it has become blurry. I am starting to feel sad - he completely adores his dad and does what he says most of the time. What am I doing wrong?

You're not doing anything wrong.
Most toddlers know how to push buttons, and go through a stage wanting only one parent, and it's really difficult.
I recently bought a book called 123 magic, and I can't recommend it highly enough. It has changed my family life for the better, I'm no longer frazzled and cross trying to stop ds from having tantrums. (he's 6, but the book can be used from 18 months).
Whatever you do though, don't beat yourself up, because the little buggers darlings are sent to try us, and everyone loses it sometimes :)

I don't think you are doing anything wrong! I think you are being really hard on yourself. Everybody loses it occasionally, toddlers are frustrating!

My toddler would like DH and I to both be with him all the time. He talks about his daddy all the time when he's with me (and about me when he's with his daddy). TBH I think mummy also gets 'boring' and daddy is more of a play item- could there be something of that in it?

What do you think his level of understanding is like? (Sorry 2.7 is a black hole to me- older that my son but younger than the kids I work with professionally).

Could you say 'If you are sensible while your nappy is changed mummy will want to play x (valued game saved for this purpose) with you. If you are not sensible mummy will be too tired to play afterwards'. Then if he is co-operative load on the praise and play as soon as finished. If he doesn't co-operate do the change anyway with no communication and don't play with him for 5 minutes or so afterwards.

Kids have tantrums, you haven't done anything to cause them.

I found ignoring the behaviour worked the best, and not giving them any attention until they had stopped screaming was the only way to get through. It helped me to time the tantrums because it would seem to me they would last ages when in fact it was only a few minutes.

Also never feel embarrassed if it happens in public, most sane people realise that toddlers have tantrums and are sympathetic to the parent.

Counting to 3 also worked, but more so when dd was over 3.

Good luck!

You aren't doing anything wrong.

If he's just started nursery, it could be that he is more tired. My ds's are 6 and 4 and tiredness from starting pre/school, end of term tiredness always causes a deterioration in behavior. You can't really do anything to stop that, it's just life.

They also go through phases of seeming to prefer one or the other of me or dh, I think it's a normal thing so try not to take it personally.

Yes yes I hear you! My 2.7 year old DS seems to know EXACTLY what makes me see red and I am perma furious and shouty mum

I try to do these (but fail all the time) but I don't know of you think any might help?

• to have a really clear idea of behaviour that is absolutely not tolerated under any circumstances (this for me is any physical violence towards me or others like kicking) and do time out
• for annoying stuff like playing around at the dinner table I say something like 'I'm going to count to three and I'd like you to stop x or I'll do y (which would be directly related ie take your food away as you must have finished/take your train away for 5mins) and count slowly and praise him for being sensible if he chooses to do this. He totally understands very simple cause and effect
• ignore as much as I can or give gentle we don't do that or we do this type directions for non important stuff
• try and pre-empt all tantrums with enough food fresh air sleep and and be a bit lenient if it's the end of the day
• ignore any actual tantrums and say 'come and see me when you're feeling better and I'll give you a hug' then walk away
• sometimes if he's being super hectic ill remove him from the situation and have a bit of calming down time
• be totally consistent and follow through at all times

Like I said if I manage to do this a little bit I'm lucky. Also got 123 magic on order though

123 Magic is written by whom. can you share any link??

I was going to say 123 Magic too. Also on kindle if you have one.

It seems so simple and I'm sure parents have been doing it for years. I certainly remember my mum counting on occasions.

But it works because it's simple. It's easy for both child and adult to understand and it works pretty much straight away too.

As an ex E.Y. teacher, minder and mum of 3. i would say

1.Yr. DS is going through a big change in his life and is finding it difficult to cope.

2.Esp. as he behaves at nursery he has to relax at home.

1. Remember he may be hungry, thirsty and or tired

4.He is not even 3 yet

1. Good idea from O.P. about having something to play with at or after nappy changing time.

1. Also some DC are intolerant to wheat (it makes them angry and or constp.)

I came on mumsnet for the first time today because I was so upset with myself for yelling at my dd and telling her I didn't want to be in the same room as her. 10 minutes later all was well and we were cuddling on the sofa but i find it sooooo hard to be the placid, reasonable parent i want to be when she has a tantrum. i will buy 123 magic on my kindle right now, thanks! And to all the other shouty mums out there let me say its not just you

P.s. Also find it hard that she never says i love you to me even though her sister says it lots and is affectionate.

I have a dd of 2.1 and she has tantrums lots at the mo it started just after 2 one evening she was getting out of the shower and had a toothbrush wich I explained she could have back after drying but no reasoning would she give it up so I took it from her hands I was on my knees in front of her at eye levell when she decided to have huge meltdown and start smacking me so I held her hands gently and told her that's not nice so she started kicking me then out of no where trying to head butt me! I was furious and smacked her bare bottom which she then cries and hugged me sobbing I felt sooooo bad and guilty but they haven't stopped and I sometimes think it depends in how you handle the situation as I could have handled things better. Everything is a battle at the min nappy changes dressed undressed you name it she screams about it oh well, reassured its just a phase I have a 17-18 year old boys and they both went through this just last week keep calm and carry on and there's lots of good advice here that even I will be trying as I to am at wits end and even feel like I don't like her much at the min lool

Twin It's not a good idea to compare yr DCs they 're different people aren't they?

Chirpy Why couldn't she hold her toothbrush? ? IMO lots of parents forget their DCs have personalities like ourselves. A lot of posters say 'pick your battles' and IMO that's very good advice; as is" remember who's the adult" and "don't over react" and put yourself in their position very small and vulnerable. you wouldn't smack an adult would you?

Having (hopefully) just left the terrible twos (please god??) the best advise I can give to terminate a tantrum quickly is giving them a huge hug (even when they really don't seem to want one).
My DS until very recently would kick off about everything and anything and would often hit me or his sister etc. I found that generally if I scooped him up into a big hug and held him tight, he would continue to kick and scream for a moment or two and then suddenly relax and cuddle me back. The biggest problem I found was remembering that this was the solution as often I would be so het up and angry too, the last thing I felt like doing would be hugging him, but it worked brilliantly to calm him down quickly.

Pptfruit regarding the tooth brush it was an electric one and it wasn't so much that she was holding it but wouldn't get dry as well as holding it so thought if brush was down I could bundle her up in towl quickly and get dry as everything is an issue with her! Don't want to stab her while drying a toothbrush in the eye is a little mine or hers ain't nice lol but yes in hind sight as I said in first post it could have been felt with better like tonight performance of screaming cuz drying nappy pjs the light brightness!!! Catch my drift lol madam she is but I felt with it beautifully