boys friendships

[katerood]

We have an awkward situation with our 9 year old son, Joe. He has a long term friend (let's call him Ben), whose family we are friends with too. We walked to school together every day. The boys' relationship has always been very competitive.
Due to the cultural make-up of the school there aren't many kids who are available to come and out play, out of school.
Joe has clearly been going through some changes or stresses, (which he isn't really aware of) over the last few months, but we have seen a distinct change in his behaviour and sleep. He's also mentioned, in an nonjudgmental and uncomplaining way, some of the small unkind things that Ben has been doing to him. It turns out that Ben is very much the leader of the alpha group and Joe loves being part of that. There are about ten lads who often get into trouble for being too rough, but it's also quite nasty stuff too. His teacher is concerned about them all as they bring the same attitude back into the classroom.
She would like to see Joe rise above it all, and be a role model of a positive kind for the other lads.
Joe has also told me how he has stopped Ben from physically bullying (not his words) other kids. Yet Joe does not see why he shouldn't be friends with Ben. He takes "the looks" and "the moods" from Ben. He told me last night that actually no one really likes Ben. However he clearly means a lot to Joe.
I have two dialemmas. How do I help my son? And can i be honest with Ben's mum, who I really like and respect as a mum and a person, so that she can best help her son?

Be careful how you go about it. It would be easy to cause a rift in your friendship. I know a lot of mums who think their child is perfect and think it is other people who bring out the bad behaviour in them etc

If you do approach her I would talk about 'the boys' rather than single out her son.....good luck, I think you are going to need it!

If Ben were taken away from the group, who would be their leader in his place and would they all behave better do you think? It sounds as though he controls his gang with threats of being thrown out if they don't comply with his ideas. It is commendable that Joe steps in to prevent Ben hurting others.

Ok, the class teacher knows they are a difficult group, what about the head? Has there been a general talk at assembly to remind the pupils that bullying will not be tolerated and that the staff are aware that some has been going on recently? Are Bens' gang being monitored during playtimes, because it would be good to get some clear evidence that he is the instigator of the wrongdoing and then his parents can be contacted to talk about it officially at school. It's difficult for a child to 'tell' on a mate, even if they are clearly in the wrong. Has there been any attempt during class circle time to raise the issue (naming no names) of bullying in general, how it makes the victims feel etc.

Bonnie is right, some DC can be angelic at home and little horrors at school (where they think they can get away with it because they think their parents will take their side and not believe they did wrong.)

It could be a possibility that there are family problems at Bens that you are unaware of which might be the root of his acting up. I do think you should be careful how you discuss the 'gang' and their behaviour with Bens' mum, in fact I would be more inclined to privately raise my concerns with the teacher and head, to see if they can devise a plan to get it under control. You can raise the concern about your DS' change in demeanour and think it might be linked to Ben. You can say as much or as little of what Joe told you unless he has begged you not to. It need not come out how the school acquire the information, it could have been parents of the DC Ben bullied talking together or complaining to the school, teachers or support staff observing things or overhearing other DC conversations. I believe that what happens at school should be dealt with by the school, and parents informed so that they can support any punishments.

Thanks guys for your advice, it's sound stuff and I'm taking it all on board. Joe and I spent a bit of time this evening talking about friendships and respect, about unfairness and disrespect. We also talked about physical play, the good and the bad.
Just put him to bed and lay with him talking to him about all his strengths, (trying to give him the confidence he needs to make changes if he wants to.)
I will wait awhile before thinking of talking to Ben's mum. And I'll go back to his teacher and chat with her about doing more class based stuff about friendships.
As I said, sound ideas, thanks. I appreciate whatever anyone would like to offer on the matter, it helps me to think it through thoroughly.