Immature DS

[Poogles]

DS is nearly 6. Since he was in nursery, he has always challenged boundaries with new people caring for him. If they are clear on the boundaries then he reverts to lovely DS. If they allow him to push the boundary, he will keep on pushing & pushing. His teacher last year said it was a sign of emotional intelligence that he can read people but his teacher this year is losing her patience and said he needs to stop this before he goes up to year 2 in September.

DS is immature in a lot of ways but is very bright, although he struggles with his reading (spelling is good though). He seems to be a real mixture of opposites! DS can also be quite manipulative. He has big blue eyes which can command tears at will and melt most hearts hence he often gets away with a lot when he shouldn't! He can also be very sensitive and a deep thinker, as well as have no a memory that would put rain man to shame!

Any advice on how we deal with DS? It's hard to out the two sides of his personality together at times but I need him to learn it respect anyone who has authority over him, not just those he thinks 'deserve' it

Hi Poogels.
Im not sure on if I can advise you on how to deal with your DS as I had similar problems with my DS (who is now nearly 15) but when I look back I think I dealt with it wrong in how he behaved. I constanly got frustrated & shouted at him, which took me a few yrs to realise that it so didnt work with him.
I wouldn't have said that my DS was immature, but he was certainly a very good judge of character & if a teacher was soft, then they got no joy from him whatsoever. My DS needed a firm & fare approach which was concise & consistant. He admitted to me only 2yrs ago that if a teacher let him get away with things he would do it all the more & take the p!$$ out of them, he had more respect for the teachers that were firmer.
For some reason though as he got older his problems were with the female teachers, the men didnt seem to have much problem with him but he seemed to lack respect for the women!
I spents yrs & yrs beating myself up & blaming myself because of his behaviour, I was at my wits end with him. But once I sorted my own issues out & became a calmer parent the problems are now very minor compared to few yrs ago. My DS rebelled when I shouted, it just didnt work at all, but thats all I knew. I don't think it helps much when the DC doesnt talk or want to talk about situations which he still doesn't now. I find that hard because thats how I deal with situations by talking about them but I've had to understand that everyone isnt like me, including my own flesh & blood.

Im sure someone will give you more advise than I have Poogels. Good Luck

Thanks MusicLover. It did sound a bit like you were describing me & DS. I have had a tendency to shout at him which he is more than able to 'tune out' of and pay no attention. DS has the same intuition with his teachers as your DS!

After I picked him up yesterday, I made him sit in the kitchen with me whilst we talked about why his teacher had needed to phone me and why his behaviour was inappropriate. At first I got the usual, but when DS realised that I was in control of the situation and meant what I said (no TV!), he did seem to listen to me. I know it sounds silly but I was soooo proud of myself for not raising my voice. I took all of the emotion out of the situation rather than getting upset or frustrated (DS really knows which buttons to press!).

There are only 2yrs, 5 days between DS1 & DS2 which I think has resulted in us treating them about a year older/younger than they are IYSWIM and this might be why DS is a bit immature at times. We are going to have a sit down and think about how we can treat DS in a more mature way. Did start this morning by telling DS that it was his chore now to load the breakfast things into the dishwasher and told DS2 that he would be able to do it when he was older but for now it was DS1 chore.

Ahh Poogles, Im glad that you had a talk & felt in control, its such a rewarding feeling isnt it? It will also make DS feel calmer & want to talk about it again rather than thinkin that he's going to get shouted at. Maybe thats why he is like that with the teacher, does she shout to get her voice heard?
Its strange how we develop as parents as kids can bring the worse & best out in you but can also make you realise alot about yourself, my DS certainly did.
But my DD is completely different character altogether....she is laid back, calm, no attitude & if I raise my voice she does as she is told, but Ive never had to shout at her like I did my DS. DD hates getting into trouble, where as DS didnt give a hoot about it, he acts first, thinks later.

TBH Im on a rather high dose of anti-depressants & thats why Im a calmer parent now, apart from counselling I had that helped loads too, but like I said earlier, when youve been shouted & stressed at as a child (like I was) it was all I learnt & knew, I didnt know how to react any different, but its made me realise that I dont want to carry this legacy on for my children to then bring up their children in the same way!
Alot of years have passed before I realised but Im not dwelling on the past anymore, Im moving forward & like I said I have such a good relationship with my DS now. He talks to me instead of stressing at me. I ask him to do something & he does it, I used to stress alot about his room, everyday infact Id get so wound up about it bein a mess, now I'll go up once a week & just mention that his room is a mess & he will tidy it without a hitch....result!
I also found reward charts workd too, I bought a magnetic one, he earned stars & got reward at the end of the week, if he did wrong he had stars deducted, but it was good for him to work towards & it was positive instead of negative all the time. Its getting a balance that works for all of you in the family, as it can affect the whole family.
How does ur other DS behave? Is he different? does he copy behaviour?

My other DS is a bit like your DD - much more of a laid back, do his own thing kind of child. Is a typical boy in some respects and his biggest problem can be listening. All we need to do with him is reminding to check the batteries in his listening ears (he puts his hands to his ears and says click click!!) and then he is usually fine.

I also had a difficult childhood with a toxic mother who I have not seen since I was 12. I have spent my life trying so hard not to be like her that I think somewhere along the way I forgot to discover who I am. I don't think I ever learned how to deal with conflict and I get defensive & upset easily (sounds so childish but I really don't think I ever deal with frustration so it sits in me and explodes every now and again if that makes sense).

I think I'm so worried about people judging me and comparing me to my mother that perhaps I set expectations on the boys behaviour too high, but I don't want to be one of those parents who are too busy trying to be their childs best friend that they forget to be a parent.

Had another good evening last night. Have not raised my voice in 2 days so feeling proud of myself. Need to try and channel this calm because it is more like the parent I WANT to be. It just seems to come so easily to others...

We have reward charts but often lapse in using it which is really bad because DS does respond well. Will have to make more of an effort.

Your posts have really struck a chord and made me look a bit closer at me being the problem. Thank you for sharing.

oh poodles please dont think that its you thats the problem here, although its easy to blame yourself. Your kids love you unconditionally the same as you do with them. I think the biggest achievement is the fact that you realise how things are & are trying your dam hardest to make things better & easier for all of you. Alot of people are in denial (inc my mother) so give yourself a big pat on the back & give yourself a break too, its really is hard to change yourself when you have been that way for so long.
Its so sad that you had a toxic mother (eh...Ive got the book called Toxic Parents).....have you read it?.....its an eye opener & makes you understand yourself alot more. It really makes you understand why you have behaved the way you have with your own kids. My worse fear was turning into my own mother & I was seeing the signs more & more as the years went on & that destroyed me inside.
But as far as the reward charts go, yeah I lapsed abit too but you can even give rewards without the chart, if they have had a good day at school you can treat them that day with sweets or whatever.
Be proud of yourself & hold your head high, your doing well. I know only too well the damage of toxic parents, its affects can be life long.
I used to worry what other people thought of me as a parent/person but I really dont anymore. I dont really know how Ive come through it all but I still have bounderies with the kids its just Im not over reacting anymore, but they dont take advantage of my good nature which is great, as Im no walk over, as Ive got strength now in a different way. I used to be a real weak person & let people do & say what they wanted, I was very sensitive too.
It makes perfect sense that your frustration sits inside you, & there's nothing childish about it at all my dear, its a coping mechanism that youve developed as a child that has stayed with you into adulthood because you havn't had the right guidence to be any different.

May I ask if you have a DH or DP? I'd hate to think that your doing this alone, but if you are, then give your self a bigger pat on the back cos by god its bloody hard when your doing it alone
Problem shared.......eh we all need an understanding ear from time to time thats why I love MN.....even tho Ive not been on here since about 2007
Good luck today & keep up the good work but dont beat yourself up if you have a bad day....your human