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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Boys fighting - how do I deal with it?

24 replies

MerryMarigold · 06/02/2012 21:35

I have a 6yo and a 3yo. For ages they didn't play fight or wrestle and I admit, I was a bit worried as it seems a lot of brothers do, and ds1 would wrestle with school friends, but not his brother. Then in the summer, it all took off and I was really pleased. They do seem a lot closer, lots of wrestling now, but it very quickly turns to fighting. On Sat ds2 bit ds1 really hard, he actually has some bloody teeth marks on his back. And ds1 also hurt him back (pinched and twisted his ear). The both got heavily told off, but ds2 got a long time out for the biting. Then today they're play fighting on the sofa, lots of giggling and rolling about then crying. This time ds1 bit ds2 on the face. Apparently ds2 was standing on ds1's tummy . There's always a story. Ds2 has a little mark now.

Anyway, so just don't know how to deal with it...should I stop them even wrestling around? Before it gets rough? If they both hurt each other, is it just "Well, that's what happens..." or do I need to discipline it? I don't know what to do. I just want to bang their heads together to be honest. Please help me!

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 06/02/2012 21:41

i don't let mine fight

there are people out there who will say "it's natural, they need to do it"

bollocks. children don't need to fight. they need to learn to rub along with one another without using their fists.
so i have zero tolerance.

if they have excess energy to burn off there are plenty of things they can do together, it doesn't have to involve fighting, play or otherwise

Jajas · 06/02/2012 21:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ProcrastinateWildly · 06/02/2012 21:46

Erm...don't allow them to fight? That would stop them from hurting each other.

ProcrastinateWildly · 06/02/2012 21:47

What were you worried about when they didn't fight, just out of interest?

Catsmamma · 06/02/2012 21:50

I don't let mine either, it just gets out of hand ...as you have exampled!

Also never get involved in the "who started it" or the whys and wherefores, and NEVER take sides.......punish them both or neither! I would often summons them individually to hear their side but only to ram home the point that fighting is unacceptable and to get them to go over what they SHOULD have done.

We have The Law of Universal Misery which basically translates as get along and be nice or mamma will be mad and you will all be in Big Trouble.

Big Trouble can be sitting on the stairs/sweeping the garden/washing up

If you are consistent then it does get to the stage where they know how far is far enough, and how far before you shout "am I going to have to come in there??????" and will resolve the fight/bickering/whatever themselves.

MoreBeta · 06/02/2012 21:50

thisisyesterday - totally agree.

We have never let DS1 and DS2 fight. It is absolutley forbidden. It always goes too far and someone ends up crying. Frankly we have friends that do allow it and it makes being at their house really stressful.

It can just mean the older child bullying the younger child. It really is not necessary. Now DSs are a bit older we let them go to judo club and it means they know how to use their body to fight but in a very controlled way.

Merry - the solution is instant separation as soon as you hear it starting. We found that there was a set of common triggers and phrases and as soon as they happened we stepped in and one had to sit alone in the kitchen reading or playing and the other somewhere else. No shouting or telling them off. Just separation and a calm explantion of why they are being separted.

They learn not to fight in the end.

MoreBeta · 06/02/2012 21:52

Catsmamma - yes you have a very very similar approach as us.

Wolfiefan · 06/02/2012 22:00

Amen to this is yesterday. NO FIGHTING. It is not play and not OK!

I hate the boys will be boys attitude I have encountered since having a DS. Run, jump, leap, play football, bounce on a trampoline, hop and skip! All burn off energy and no one gets hurt. (forgot to add dance!)

fridayschild · 06/02/2012 22:03

I say I am not interested in who started it I am interested in who will finish it. I stop a fight as soon as I spot one.

Boys get a testosterone rush at 3, I think and I wonder if that is what has triggered the fighting in your DS2? All this advice is very sensible. I would say IME it is easier to get one of my boys to follow it and not fight than it is with the brother.

MoreBeta · 06/02/2012 22:05

Merry - something we noticed is sometimes our DSs need to let of energy and running around the garden playing football or climbing or whatever seems to head off the fighting. Regular hard physical excercise, especially for your 6 yr old may do the trick.

thisisyesterday · 06/02/2012 22:16

def agree with regular exercise.

there is/was a poster on here called "boysarelikedogs" and she is so right! if they don't get out of the house and have a good run around they get all wound up and cabin-fevery :)

it's so much easier in the summer when they can just go in and out of the garden all day, but it's worth trying to get them outside to do stuff as much as poss IMO

mine (i have 3) also like doing things like making a "soft play" with all the sofa cushions and jumping all over it, or having races up and down the sitting room and stuff like that

Original poster

MerryMarigold · 06/02/2012 22:17

Procrastinate, I was worried when they weren't rolling around the floor wrestling as it is a way that most boys seem to bond. My sons were quite detached, well ds1 was very detached from ds2. I see ds1 and his friends after school and this is all they do. But it seems like with school friends ds1 knows when to stop, or they are all older and so don't know when they are hurting and stop it. They have a playmat out at school in the playground and the kids roll about on it all the time.

So. Am interested. Are your boys not allowed physical contact. Like rolling about on the sofa squashing each other? Or rolling about the floor? What is acceptable physical contact and what is not? It certainly seems easier to have that no touching line, but ds1 is closer to his 3yo sis than his brother, so I was pleased to see them doing this as it is at least SOMETHING they do together, they rarely play together as they are into different things.

OP posts:

Original poster

MerryMarigold · 06/02/2012 22:20

at the softplay thisisyesterday! On Saturday my 3 had all the cushions on the floor plus 3 duvets and 3 pillows from their beds and were having a whale of time! But, this was precursor to the biting incident. Just a lot of over excitement. Ds1 was annoying his sis, and she asked her twin - ds2 - to stop him (she is 3 ) . Ds2's 3 yo solution was a huge bite.

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Original poster

MerryMarigold · 07/02/2012 10:00

Any more takers on where I draw the line with physical contact? When is it 'rough and tumble' and when is it fighting? [Obv running around the house with hangers which are 'swords' is play fighting and I put a stop that this morning]. But I'm not sure what I should/ shouldn't allow, specifically. Thanks.

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CailinDana · 07/02/2012 10:12

I think as the age difference is quite big, no kind of rough contact should be allowed. DS2 is probably biting because he doesn't have the strength to fend DS1 off otherwise. If they were the same age I would say let them get on with it and teach them ways to tell each other to stop. I would then have the policy that I would not get involved in any physical fights - if a fight develops that's the fault of both parties and both will be punished equally. That policy prevents you having to listen to endless stories and taking sides. But seeing as DS2 is only 3 that policy won't work as he won't be quick witted enough to deal with the situation himself. In that case you need to teach them other ways to play with each other and perhaps encourage DS2 to see himself as the big brother in more of a protective, teaching role. Give him some responsibility in relation to DS2 - such as asking him to show DS2 how to build a lego car or something. Any roughness results in immediate punishment, with more responsibility on DS1 as he's older. It's the only way to go, I think as they're clearly not able to handle being rough. It's ok for ds2 to be rough with his friends, as they're the same age and able to defend themselves.

CailinDana · 07/02/2012 10:14

Oh and boys don't need to be rough to bond - they just need to play together. It's hard for a six year old to understand that a 3 year old has different abilities so you're going to have to actively teach them how to play together and police them for a while until they get the hang of it.

Original poster

MerryMarigold · 07/02/2012 10:49

I'm not too worried about bullying as they are v different temperaments. It's fairly equal as ds1 is stronger but ds2 is a lot more aggressive and 'tough' and is usually the one to initiate the jumping on/ piggy backing/ whatever (he does it to me too). It's more often ds1 in tears!! But yes, good idea to get ds1 to 'teach' ds2 to do some things, I'll have to wrack my brains a bit. Sadly ds1 loves drawing and lego and ds2 is a lot more physical, he likes running about, biking and the only indoor activity he's into is watching T.V or playing 'tents' (which usually involves rolling about in the tent with his siblings!). Ds1 spends a lot of time with his sis as she likes what he does.

I thought it was 'the way to bond' as most brothers I know do a lot of this, and I used to look at them and wonder why mine didn't. And really, it was helping them be closer, in the short term. But it seems to be becoming increasingly violent, so now time to stop it and call the boundaries as it will have a negative effect.

OP posts:

ProcrastinateWildly · 07/02/2012 12:51

I'm sure they could bond through any shared activity, they don't need to be knocking 7 shades of shit out of each other. It's a bit of a sterotypical view of how boys should be imo.

rheumatoid · 07/02/2012 14:40

Agree no fighting and loads of exercise. It has to be like having a dog, no excuse and every day regardless of weather. Waterproof trousers, snow boots etc (thermals for mum). Walking to and from school plus park and playground every day. This is the only answer for some boys and will have the added benefit of 12 hours peace for you whilst they sleep!

Original poster

MerryMarigold · 07/02/2012 17:41

We do walk to school and back! But what's the answer to 'where is the line between rolling about on the floor and fighting?'

OP posts:

conorsrockers · 08/02/2012 06:35

I have 3 DS. 9, 6 and 5. They are all very close and spend all their time together at home. A lazy afternoon can often start with a game of dominoes, progress into a Lego battle, and then end in a grand rough-and-tumble on the trampoline. The swords/guns will be out and there will be lots of running/rolling around, hiding, screaming and general mayhem. BUT 99% of the time there are no tears. They wouldn't intentionally hurt each other, but accidents occasionally happen. If one does get hurt they will normally sort it amongst themselves so I don't really get to hear about it. Mine also do Karate, but I'm not sure that's the answer - it's just that they need to learn those boundaries, play fighting is meant to be just that - PLAY. So if someone is in danger of getting you hurt you need to teach them to stop and make sure each other is OK. It's about learning self control I suppose and if it's something they only just started you will need to step in and firstly find out if it's something both equally enjoy!! To me - it's a natural way of brothers bonding.

CailinDana · 08/02/2012 07:00

Marigold, I already suggested no rough contact. So no rolling around on the floor. They're clearly not able to handle it if it's descending into fights and biting.

tostaky · 08/02/2012 16:27

I have 2 DSs, 3.5 and almost 2. so a bit younger than yours.
Still, they have been play-fighting for a good 6 months now and whenever I hear one of them cry, then I make the other one say sorry and give a kiss.
They also have cutlasses and they know that if they hurt each other with it, I will take them away from both of them and put the offending child on the naughty step.
I am expecting a third boy soon? things might get quite physical in a few years time?.

melika · 08/02/2012 16:39

With a 4.5 age gap I don't let mine fight as the older one (17) is now training Muy Thai kick boxing and likes to 'practice'! But thankfully little one is quite stocky (brick shit house) and can take some.

I watch out very carefully when I'm there and put a stop to it but I can't be there all the time.

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