Help with 6- almost 7 year old ds' behaviour

[CharlieBoo]

Ok am getting to the end of my tether with ds who is almost 7. Were currently on our way home from visiting family. I don't know where to start, he is just such hard work and high maintenance. His strops are getting embarrassing and it's so obvious he is irritating to extended family on our weekend sway. He strops when it's not his turn on the wii, is rude, impatient, completely non-appreciative of anything that is done for him. He is not so bad at home but dominates the house with his mood swings. He is too rough at times with his little sister and at times it's very stressful as we will tell him off for it and he turns it all round, never taking any kind if responsibility or learning from the consequences we give him for this behaviour. We have tried dif punishments/consequences (which end up in a complete melt down and hysteria.) at school he is a complete angel, never naughty, have never ever been called in and at patents evening always told how polite he is etc. HELP where are we going wrong? Or is this a phase?

My dd, 6, can be similar so I hope it's just a phase. I didn't think boys did it too!

My DS is like this, and we just got him a dx of Dyspraxia (aged 7).

School says he's fine, little angel etc.

At home (and at Beavers) he is a nightmare.

Now - I'm not for a moment suggesting your son has dyspraxia or anything else - just saying that just because school says he's fine doesn't mean he is.

DSs dyspraxia was very hard to spot. It seemed to be all behavioural problems..... But once I realised it was dyspraxia, it's now really easy to see how it's causing all his behaviour problems.......

My brother has dyspraxia, it's def not that with ds.. Physically he is very co-ordinated, good at writing, very good at sports, hates loosing though. He knows he's in trouble as I am fuming so all the way home he's been super nice to us and his sis, sharing his sweets (which is very unlike him). So he's clever enough to turn it on and off. I just can't put my finger on it. He has no friendship issues either, but struggles to share on playdates and likes it all his way.

So pleased you got a dx for your lad indigo. My brother is 35 and years back then they'd never heard of dyspaxia, he struggled so much through school needlessly.

I think it's unlikely to be parenting.

Not sure what it is though.

Multivitamins really helped my DS - Omega, zinc & magnesium.

He might also need Vit b6 and Vit d.

Will def try the multi vits, thank you.

CharlieBoo I have a similar problem with my DS (age 8). He is an angel at school but very difficult to deal with at home. He has a younger sister and he often pushes her over and pulls her about. I think it is a jealousy thing cause his sister is only 3 and needs a lot more watching cause she is young.
I'm hoping someone can help

If you get him by himself how is he then? Dd is similar age and very awkward and attention seeking but not one to one.

Not that it helps me all that much to know that-opportunities limited for one to one with three dc, but it does give me hope.

I think what Indigo has said does need some looking into. The fact that both boys (yours and Indigos) are good at school but not home - could that suggest the need for structure? Im not suggesting that OPs or Indigo's homes are not structured! But almost no home is as structured as the bell ringing environment of school.

For some children this is because they are ASD as Indigo has said (am I right in saying dyspraxia is on the AS?). This may not be the case with your son but still worth considering.

I know you've said you;ve tried different methods but I still think a behaviour 'system' is important with the behaviours you describe - his good behaviour at school suggest to me it is not diet or anything like that in which case 'systems' wont work.

Avoid time out as this creates the hours long battle of 'yes you will do time out' 'no I wont!' I would use the toy box. If you do xyz you loose a toy. Pick 3 or 4 very specific behaviours (hitting, breaking things) so it is always clear. Try to ignore the secondary behaviours of screaming and stropping, embarrasing as they are. He can scream for hours (and will) but you can simply ignore it and get on with whatever. The trouble with timeout is you have to engage with it to make them sit on the spot or stay in the room or whatever. Have a set time for when he gets the toy back (tomorow I would say for this age, a week for when hes a teenager) so he isnt tempted to strop for days on end.

However, as someone has said, it could be attention (this would fit with him being very polite at school). Lavish him with attention when he is good, model lots of good behaviour (oh I lost a game, never mind!). 7 is a tantrumy age in my experience. Hope that helps a little.

Dyspraxia is not quite on the ASD spectrum, but they have huge amount of overlapping symptoms and are often comorbid.

The fact that there is dyspraxia in the OPs family also makes it more likely that her child would have it.

DS is better at school because of the structure, and because he doesnt want to make a fool of himself in front if his peers - but the effort of being good at school means that when he comes home he can't be good any more. Sitting in a chair is really hard for him. So after doing that at school all day, he's exhausted and sore, so his behaviour is going to be terrible.

OP - can your child sit still? Sit up properly? Is he sensitive to loud noises or smells? Does he make odd noises or sing a lot?

And I think partly why my DS was so badly behaved in the weekend was because I didn't realise he found sitting and walking and other things so hard, so my expectations of him were too high. Every time we'd go out for the day he'd ruin it because I'd expect him to walk further than he could. Etc.

I don't think for a moment he was actually good at school. I just think teachers accept a very wide range of behaviour in the classroom :)

For example, although his teacher says he's very well behaved etc, even when I specifically ask her - apparantly he hums throughout the day and she frequently has to ask him to stop, he's always stroking girls hair (!) and she has to ask him to stop. Every time I watch him in a class assembly he's moving more than the others and generally behaving inappropriately - yet the teacher insists he's well behaved and has no problems.

Hi, yes ds can sit still, he loves watching movies and playing computer games but physical activities are really his thing, he plays football 3 times a week and that is his real passion, which he seems to have a flair for. He has a great imagination and is very popular at school. He doesn't hum or make noises. there is an ASD child in his class who does this and his school will not tolerate this behaviour so its not that. He goes to a fairly academic and strict school (catholic). His teacher was quite bewildered when I mentioned his distinct lack of interest in schoolwork at home and the strops he has about his homework. He recently had an award in assembly for outstanding classwork. He is quite a perfectionist which can be hard work and if he can't get something first time, he would rather give up than keep trying.

He loves one on one attention and will often say, 'is dd going to bed now, or is dd going to nanas while we go to the cinema?' I think there is a jealousy thing and its hard to balance. Have had a talk with him at bedtime and told him in no uncertain terms that we won't tolerate his behaviour/strops and he will not be allowed to go to football if it continues. Will see how it goes. Thanks for all your input, its appreciated.

Bumping for poster

1. Can you give him more one to one attention? Get your DH to look after DD and take DS out somewhere once a week?

1. As well as making sure he does get a bit of one to one every day.

1. Can you back off homework? Tell him it has to be done, and then leave it. If he doesn't do it, or does a bad job of it, that's fine. That's between him and his teacher.

1. Cut out the naughty step.

1. Cut out rewards and punishments. Read unconditional parenting.

1. Pick your battles. Only worry about the important stuff.

All I care about is that my DC don't hurt themselves / each other / ruin things.

Practically everything else I let go. So we don't have battles every mealtime about eating. We don't have battles every morning about getting dressed. And I certainly never get into a homework battle.

And I never have a battle about saying please and thank you. It's just not important.

When my DS has a strop over the WII or whatever, I tell him the living room is for the whole family, and if he wants to behave like that he has to leave the living room.

So I never punish him or make him go to the naughty step, but he has to behave in an acceptable way in the living room, or go elsewhere.