When will the fighting stop?!

[lozzyblue]

Hi, as the title says I'm getting pretty frustrated with my two older DC. DD 4.6 and DS 2.10 have started to constantly annoy each other and as a result end up shouting and chasing each other around the house! DD2is 8 months and to be fair they are both pretty great with her but the fights even start over who is spending time with her at that particular moment.

I feel my DD1 should know better than to purposely wind up her little brother - am I being unfair and expecting too much?

I see other siblings who are much calmer together whereas mine seem very physical in the way they play and interact.

Ok, seems to have turned into a mini rant! Just looking for some support I guess - my head hurts from all the screaming and constant refereeing!

I have 2 boys, 2.7 years apart. As I recall, they wer at their worst at around this age. Physical fights, literally could not be left alone for 5 minutes. I despaired that they would ever get on. Worried that the older one did not evn like his brother.

As far as I could see, no-one else's DCs were like this (they were).

It gradually got better. Do not add to the emotional temperature by worrying. Mine are 11 and nearly 9 now, and many many people remark on how well they get on. They are very different characters, and they have had to learn a lot of lessons about compromise and understanding. They have occasional shouting matches, but almost no fighting. They love and help each other.

Quite early on, I instigated family meetings, where each person gets a turn to speak. They hold a wooden spoon and only the person holding it gets to talk. Get them involved in games where they have to take turns, eg I had Pop up Pirates. Sit with them and model how to play the game, very explicitly

Must wash off hair dye now, but will come back later !

Regarding expecting too much from the older one. I think with this sort of age gap, whatever you might like in terms of the older one being caring and supportive, they don't see themselves as being much older. Although the older one should have more self control, little bros. can be expert winder-uppers. Don't be soft on physical violence, but if you don't know for sure it's one sided, separate them. Try and get in before it comes to blows.

When my youngest was about 3 I used to go in to the room if I heard a row brewinge and tell them to sort it out between them or I'd sort it out! This was amazingly effective but you have to get in early.

Other usual sibling advice - give them each attention on their own and time to play on their own . My ds1 really needed his own space. Still does.

It got radically better when they were about 4 and 6. Bo at school, both with a bit more self control and their own little lives a bit more.

Thanks jamie I have 2 DS with a similar age gap and similar issues to OP - but think I'm stopping at 2 as bringing a 3rd into the house might break me!

Thank you OriginalJamie. I think you're right in that they see themselves as the same in many ways... Ie without the age gap. DD used to be so much more sensible but has recently started pushing boundaries and what I find really annoying is her tendency to encourage DS to join her (like he needs much encouragement)

I do try to leave them to fight their own battles as much as possible but probably do need to be better at giving them more individual attention...

I think one of the things I find the hardest is I have not got a good tolerance for noise ... *lozzyblue starts to wonder why she had 3 kids...?!?!

I have low noise tolerance too .... Mine are making a load of racket playing happily and I'm irritated . I try not to show it though

Maybe that's where I'm going wrong... I do ignore for a time and then tend to blow sounds like I need to leave them to get on as maybe I'm just causing stress by telling them to be quiet when they just seem to be incapable of volume control!!