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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Talk to be about 'normal' 4 year old behaviour

15 replies

Shouldibuy · 04/02/2012 07:14

Ds1 is 4.5. He is a bit of a puzzle to me at times, so I just wanted to see from you more experienced mums, whether its normal 4 year old behaviour?

Background is that he has had severe eczema - started at 8 weeks old, but the severe stuff was from about 2 - 3.5. Lots of hospital visitis, wearing bandages all day and night, being creamed regularly - in a lot of pain a lot of the time etc. Sedatives at night for quite a while.

Now his skin is improving although the eczema still ticks along, but more manageable.

Its hard to try and summarise his behaviour, but some days he wakes up hapoy and we have a good day. Other days from the second he wakes up, we know it will be a harder day, and it doesnt matter what we do (lots of attention, or leaving him to play himself etc ) he is grumpy, angry, aggressive etc.

We go to a toddler group twice a week, and if its a bad day, I really dread it. We have discussed that he is one of the oldest now, and while its not ok for other children to grab a toy off him, its also not appropriate for him to hit them if they do. I play with him at the group when he wants me to, and keep an eye on him the whole time, but I cant watch him 100% of the time, and I just dread hearing a child cry incase it's ds1 that caused it (it's not always him by any means by the way).

I wonder if he has missed a bit of gaining maturity by being unwell for a prolonged period, but if so, I'm not sure how to help him gain maturity - or is it something you can't do much about?

Just wondered if other 4 year olds go from being incredibly selfish and moody, to being a lovely cuddly caring boy, constantly?

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OneLieIn · 04/02/2012 07:22

My ds had similar eczema.

I doubt your ds's behaviour has too much to do with eczema. Someone once said to me that it wasn't the terrible twos but the fecking fours and they were quite right. Four year olds have little to no sense!

Original poster

Shouldibuy · 04/02/2012 07:30

Certainly he didnt seem to get the terrible twos so maybe this is the trade off. So is it just the old - consistency and sticking to boundaries?

I know a lot of siblings fight, but he seems to want to be physical with lots of people and consantly sits on, or tries to fight with ds2 (2) - and if an adult comes to house ( particularly male) he climbs all over them and almost goads them - he does it to dh too, and dh will sometimes engage him in a bit of a wrestle, so maybe he is trying to do the same wih other adult, but he just doesnt seem to listen when we discuss what is appropriate behaviour with othee children/adults.

He just seems very selfish at times.

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WeekendsAreTooShort · 04/02/2012 07:32

My ds age 4 is awful just now. We are doing 123 magic book, watching diet, enough sleep, outdoor play, fish oils etc etc. I totally live in fear of the next meltdown/ tantrum! They are hideous. I have asked for a medical review due to the fact this has been going on a yr but he is fine at nursery. It is affecting our life so much. I hope that it is the fecking fours but can't wait for it to stop!!

Original poster

Shouldibuy · 04/02/2012 07:45

Yup weekends - I once read that boys are a bit like dogs - need to be walked regularly - we certainly know when we have got to the point in th day when they need to be run outside.

Does anybody use time-out? My question about it is the whole warning thing - if it is something they know they are not allowed to do ( like hit ds2 with a car etc) do you have to do the warning or do you send them straight to time out?

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WeekendsAreTooShort · 04/02/2012 07:53

We do 123 magic book. They get a 'that's 1' then if it continues 'that's 2' then if we get to 3 that's a 4 min time out. Usually in room with door shut as refuses to even go to step. It is helping but we have always given warnings...dd age 2 copies him so it is really exhausting!

Original poster

Shouldibuy · 04/02/2012 08:00

Ah - I've never heard of that - sounds interesting. I will have a look as time out works ok for us but not brilliantly, so am always keen to try new things. Thanks.

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OneLieIn · 04/02/2012 09:03

We used time out religiously. It works bitingly if you are consistent.

We also have a family law that everyone reads and signs. This has been really effective. Breaking the family law is BOG BIG BIG trouble, but worst if all, they have to stand on front of it and read it, talk about why they have done and why it is wrong.

Original poster

Shouldibuy · 04/02/2012 11:03

What age did you start using the family law from oneliein?

Ds1 knows what is right and wrong, and we can have long chats about how to react if another child grabs a toy etc, but as soon as he is actually around other children, it doesnt always work, and sometimes his first instinct is to lash out.

We are consistent about using time out - eg warning, if it happens again, he goe to the step and is returned till he stays. My issue is really whether you can put them to the step without a warning eg be on a permanent warning for certain repeat offences, or if it only works with a warning?

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heliumballoon · 04/02/2012 11:13

At 4.5 do you think maybe he has grown out of toddler group and might prefer something a bit more structured? Swimming lessons or something (sorry if bad example with eczema). My 4 yr old was really starting to get bored and naughty in free play toddler groups, she wanted to play with kids her own age or preferably a little older. She would definitely get pissed off with littlies ruining her games.

Notinmykitchen · 04/02/2012 11:22

I don't see any harm in doing time out for certain things without a warning. Maybe have a chat with him and make sure he understands that is the rule. If he hits for example I would think it is better to go straight to time out to stop it happening again. I certainly do that with my 4 year old, although probably only for hitting. I think the important thing is that he knows the rules, and the consequences stay consistant

Original poster

Shouldibuy · 04/02/2012 11:23

Yup helium - that's a really good point actually. He maybe is a bit bored. His cousin went to school at about his age and was young for the year but loved it, and I think he would probably get on well with some more structure.

He certainly seems to behave at nursery. He does go to swimming lessons (just restarted since the skin is a bit better) and a singing thing at the weekend, and certainly enjoys them and seems to thrive on them - but I have two younger children, so the toddler group works for them - maybe I need to do something more structured with him while the toddler group is going on.

I will have a think about what else we could do while the group is on.

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Original poster

Shouldibuy · 04/02/2012 11:27

Can I ask notinmykitchen - how often would you say your four year old hits - would it be a very rare occurence, or fairly regular?

It feels more natural to put him straight to time out for things that he does know are wrong, and we have consistently talked to him about. He understands perfectly well that certain things are not allowed, so I think we need to step it up slightly and although we are fairly consitent, we could probably improve it a bit.

Thanks for all the suggestions - it's very useful to hear what others do.

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Notinmykitchen · 04/02/2012 14:03

Mine doesn't hit very often at all now. He went through a horrible phase of hitting me every time he got in a strop recently. It was happening a couple of times a day for a while. Thankfully he has stopped it again, so certainly for us straight to time out for that worked.

BarbarianMum · 04/02/2012 14:44

We had the terrible twos with ds2 but that is nothing to what we are getting now: the stropping 4s.

Ds2 does have mild eczema but the only clear link to his behaviour is when it has been disturbing his sleep ie he behaves worse when tired.

He has good days and bad days, behaviour wise but parenting him is certainly tough at the moment. He does hit, but only his (older) brother rather than other children, and goes straight into time out for that. This happens several times a day week.

OneLieIn · 05/02/2012 15:31

The family law we have used since ds was about three? It works a treat.

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