To see or not to see....a psychologist

[hocuspocus]

My dh and I have a dilemma.

We are struggling to maintain a happy home at the moment due to the strain of dealing with the challenging behaviour of my ds(4). On a good day, ds is charming, great fun, and of course devilishly handsome . The not so good days (more often that not) are filled with conflict whenever we ask ds to do something which he doesn't want to do.

We have tried to combat the tantrums (screaming, laying on the floor etc) by use of time out and sticker charts in the past - but the reality is starting to sink in that we don't really seem to be making much headway. Dh and I have always consoled ourselves that ds will grow out of this behaviour (or it would as least improve!) as he got older....but our optimism is now fading.

We are also getting more concerned as ds is due to start school in September and we anxious that he will be labelled as a "problem child". His behaviour is also having more impact now on dd (1), as I feel that she gets an unfairly small portion of our time as so much energy is directed at keeping ds under control.

In desperation, we have thought about seeing a pyschologist. I have no experience in thie field. Do they really help? I wonder whether we will just hear the same advice (star charts etc) that we have already followed - or is it worth a try?

I am also worried that a consultation at this stage will form part of his records when he starts school - and would like to avoid this if possible.

Can anyone help?

glad to see thread returned to rightful owner

hows the book?

Marytee,

Book looks promising....I tried one strategy today - best summary is empathising when ds is cross instead of me just getting exasperated -and it totally floored him! Certainly worked by diffusing the situation, so I shall try some of the other suggestions (once I get a chance to read them ).

BTW, I have now ordered a book called the Incredible Years (not related to The Incredibles, I hope ), which I understand is written by Caroline Webster-Stratton, mentioned in one of your earlier posts. I did try and source a Webster-Stratton parenting class as you suggested but the only ones I could find were rather far away (Scotland and Wales respectively!)

If anybody is up for getting a group together in London on a weekend for a parenting course I would be happy to facilitate, i.e. teach. Just let me know when and where!

Usual course lasts about 6 weeks with a 2 hour session each week. Suitable for around 10-12 parents and minimum of 6-8 parents.

That is with reference to hocuspocus's search for courses NOT in Scotland!

I think I may buy the book.

We could start a parenting virtual book group via these boards! Week one - the pros and cons of Gina Ford, Week 2 Miriam Stoppard gets it all wrong? Discuss....

I may have gone mad, please excuse me.

hocuspocus glad to hear that your book arived. I have been trying the empathy strategy on ds and it is already paying huge dividends-I have diffused soooo many potential blow ups already-For once I think ds realises that I am on his side. I recognise a lot of my responses to ds from the first pages of the book!
still a long way to go though-let me know how you are doing

Marytee,

Book looks promising....I tried one strategy today - best summary is empathising when ds is cross instead of me just getting exasperated -and it totally floored him! Certainly worked by diffusing the situation, so I shall try some of the other suggestions (once I get a chance to read them ).

BTW, I have now ordered a book called the Incredible Years (not related to The Incredibles, I hope ), which I understand is written by Caroline Webster-Stratton, mentioned in one of your earlier posts. I did try and source a Webster-Stratton parenting class as you suggested but the only ones I could find were rather far away (Scotland and Wales respectively!)

Oohps, sorry about double posting...

Chipkid,

I did have to laugh at the illustrations in the book as the expression on the cross mum's face must look exactly like mine (although she appears to be blonde, not a sultry brunette ). The empathy thing really does seem to work, doesn't it?

We've had a bit of a do tonight about ds going to sleep. Nine o'clock came and went with ds still making regular appearances downstairs. Dh tried to intervene, and got cross when ds started complaining about everything under the sun being wrong (you know, wrong pyjamas, not enough cuddlies etc)- cue inevitable wailing.

The "old" me - now known as cross faced mum - would have also got cross by this stage. But "new" mum (using new empathy skills) defused wailing ds within minutes and then he fell fast asleep!

There is hope yet it seems....onto the next strategy.....

well done-!!!my dh with whom I have yet to share my newly acquired pearls of wisdom thinks I have taken something sedative-like, as my cross face has been replaced by sympathetic smiley "mmmm" face!

Ds is really playing up for the nanny at the minute-he is cross that I am at work three days a week! I am approaching the issue on that basis-"I understand why you might resent the nanny bla bla" ratehr than "if you don't stop behaving like this you'll just have to go into late room at school bla bla

keep up the good work! (lets see who is the first to revert back to old ways and blow!)

Chipkid,

Lets see if we can do a whole 24 hours without slipping up!

I suspect that my dh will also think that I have taken some sort of illicit mushroom - but hey ho, he'll have to tow the line or else sit on the naughty step

The working thing is also a tricky issue with my ds (I also work 3 days). Who knows, the empathic approach may work wonders here too..keep me posted.

oh my god we really do lead parallel lives!!!!!

Chipkid,

I'm off to bed now so I guess you are too!

lol

is this the book how to talk so kids will etc??? if it is i'm so pleased it's proving useful!!!!

sophable it is-the book you reccommended-it really is great and I have only read the first bit. It has changed my approach to ds overnight and what a difference it has made to how he responds to me. lets hope I can keep it up!