is it normal for a two year old to be like this?

[petaluma]

I'm a little concerned about my ds who is 2.5 yrs. Although we have had periods of him being demanding and difficult (usually when he hits another developmental milestone), in general, he has always been a very happy smiley little boy.

Recently though, he seems to be always whinging and crying, completely uncooperative and generally a handful (roughly 'tickling' his baby sister when she cries, although he is kind to her most of the rest of the time, throwing things, and reverting back to hitting the occasional child at playgroup - he went through quite an intense phase of this 6 months ago but I thought he'd grown out of it).

He does a lot of play acting and is very quick to pretend he has hurt himself/says he's poorly, but within seconds he is back to bounding round the house.

I know it sounds quite classic attention seeking behaviour (4 month old sister on the scene) but I give him as much attention as I can - play trains, cars, take him to playgroups etc, but even those times are fraught with whingeing and shouting 'no!' frequently so it isn't always a pleasant experience. Unfortunately, more structured activities (painting, craft etc) he's not always keen on and with a baby to look after too, they often get interrupted which makes it worse. Even getting out for a walk is difficult as he is a bolter, and doesn't always like to wear his little backpack with reins on.

I try not to say no to him too much but talk to him about consequences, divert him to something else etc, etc, but it still feels my day is one long battle from morning until night and filled with negativity. It's hard to be upbeat and 'fun' mum when he's constantly testing me and being so contrary.

He was always so happy and now he just seems so discontented all the time. Where has my smiley little boy gone? I'm sad to admit I'm finding it hard to enjoy our time together at the moment.

Has anyone else gone through this and what did you do?

We're just coming out of a spell of this. DS is 2.4 and we have a 2 month old too.

We realised that DS was actually ill with low level colds etc and teething molars. This disrupted his sleep and made him very grumpy along with the changes due to new sister. I feel bad as would normally have clocked it earlier but I'm very tired.
I find that I have to change my approach - let DS help me with things, make a show of putting baby down to cuddle him if he asks, making sure he's well fed etc etc.

Then dealing with toddler behaviour - I usually try and avoid any confrontations. Eg if he's chucking toys, we'll move rooms (I'll say in a cheery voice "let's go and do x/y/z), trying to get out of the house more and try not to tell him off al the time (very hard). It doesn't always work but it's easier than setting him up to fail! Some things are non negotiable eg reins - but I'll say reins or pushchair? And let him run as soon as we get to the park!

Just wanted to show some solidarity as we are going through the same thing and I came on here looking for some advice!

DS is 2.10 and we have a 7 monther. I thought he had got over the peak of this difficult stage but he has got worse again and I feel like we are starting not to cope.

The behaviour sounds very similar to your two: a constant battle with the wailing starting from early morning. He will refuse when we offer to play with him on his own, and if I switch on the telly to get 5 minutes respite he switches it off again! The journey to playgroup is a 10-minute screamfest which I ignore (he keeps it up anyway) after doing the usual reasoning, discussing. Deliberate injuring of his sister which is classic attention seeking. We had been consistently removing him to another room for this but it is making no difference. I have lost it with him on a couple of occasions and shouted, which I am not proud of.

As you say petaluma, the days are just a chore and there is little enjoyment. I am ashamed to say that I look forward to the days his is in childcare at the moment (I am going back to work in couple of weeks).

do check for possible health related causes. One of my DCs had glue ear and would have several months of misery especially at this time of year and then back to happiest child ever for rest of year and then misery returned but finally outgrew it.

What are the symptoms of glue ear? DS has been holding his ear area - I thought it was teething of molars.

Thank you for your solidarity. Really interesting you mention glue ear. He had been treated for two ear infections in the last month and a half plus constant dripping nose and croup like cough. Docs have checked him over and given him antibiotics both times but maybe I need to go back. Thanks for the heads up.

again, just a show of solidarity. My 2.7 dd is a whinging screaming tantrumming nightmare at the moment, I'm exhausted from all the 'positive parenting' which Im doing as the tough love just seemed to escalate things. We have no new baby, there appears to be no reason except that her ego has had a growth spurt and we have a mini despot in the house. I too find it hard to like her in these instances, althought i remind myself i love her no matter what, but she is hard work and doesnt make time together that enjoyable most of the time. the same as others have said - you try and do something nice together - trips to the park, playing games, painting etc but it always ends in tears.
I'm hoping it is just a phase and will pass.
But you are definitely not alone and it helps to realise other people have the same experiences. Today I watched in awe as a mother sat and chatted happily to her two friends while her 2ish-year-old sat contentedly at the table entertaining herself. My one demanded full attention the whole time, wouldnt eat, cried, whinged and ended up in fullscale tantrum because I wouldn't let her lock herself in her own toilet cubicle.
aaaargh!

Feeling all you pain. Have ds who is 2 and a bit and a new baby. Ds1 has started sleeping badly and I know his molars are making a bid for freedom but I'm fed up of being hit, told to go away, laughed at when I tell him off, being told no luff mummy, occasionally bit and the screaming meltdowns when he doesn't get his way.

He used to he the sweetest little boy who listened to me and never did any of the above. I appreciate it is a combination of being 2, having a new baby, abandonment issues as I had a cs and then ds2 was admitted to hosp for 4 nights a week after he was born so mummy 'disappeared' twice. But I'm so fed up of screeching at him to behave. Would really like to be fun mummy again but the constant boundary setting is wearing me down. Should I let more slide so I'm not constantly telling him off or stick to my guns as it will get better eventually?

Today was a little better. Someone told me I should aim to spend at least 15 mins of uninterrupted time with him a day. Initially I thought "bloody hell, I spend loads more time with him than that each day!". However, when I actually thought about it, we haven't really spent much one on one time with him without me tidying, emptying the dishwasher, peppa pig soundtrack etc, so yesterday I took advantage if dh being around so ds and I could do something on our own. I asked him what he wanted to do and he said he wanted to go to the shops and buy some balloons. It really surprised me when we left as he said "baba not come?" so it clearly has affected him. He was really well behaved (ish)

Today, when dd was sleeping, I filled up the sink in the kitchen and put lots of utensils in for him to play with, stuck him on a chair, put an overall on him and let him splash about for half an hour. He loved it, and was so much more compliant the rest of the day.

I'm hoping it wasn't just a coincidence!

That sounds really good advice. I often think I don't give dd real attention, there is always something else to do - cooking, cleaning etc - as I only have one day off work a week and have loads to fit in, so she is generally playing alongside me rather than me with her. I am going to try doing this tomorrow as it's my day off.
thanks
glad you found something that worked - so far!

You;ve all made me feel a lot better - I logged in looking for advice on this very thing. I have a 2.5 year old, and a 4 mo old, and the 2.5 old has been distinctly out of sorts recently, partly due to constant colds/coughs etc. but also I'm sure due to feeling displaced by his little sister though he doesn't realise it. I've been feeling guilty about the lack of one-to -one attentnion he gets from me just now, but not sure how I can really change that just now...

thank you thank you thank you. I'm needing to hear I'm not alone and came on here to search. My little boy is 2 years 8 months and he cries for no reason at some point every day and it's makes us all feel pretty crappy, sad and fed up. I feel for my older two children. Last week we went to see the nurse at the surgery to get him checked over because I needed to rule out pain. I've had to send him to another room now because I find the crying is way too loud. I need a plan!!!

p.s just wanted to add that I know my DS would go mad for some sledging but he was even crying at that. "I don't want to wah wah wah" ok so I'll leave it here.... wah wah wah. "I want my sledge wah wah. Ok so mummy will get it wah wah "I don't want it" grrrrrrrrrrr To make matters worse he gets himself in a right state and starts to flap and hit and then 30 secs later is very apologetic. I don't think he understands it all. One very drained mummy!

stopthinkingsomuch ds1 is just the same with hitting. He would never have done it until a month or so ago but I just don't know how to deal with it. If I tell him off he just ignores me or laughs at me - anyone want to share their strategies.

Good day overall. Managed to get ds2 asleep in ge pushchair.and so could spend all morning we ds1 however, ds2 isn't putting on enough weight which I think is directly yet to how well I get on with ds

Mixed day yesterday again :( ds was actually in an ok mood but reverted to hitting a couple of kids at the softplay centre we went to. Actually thinking about it, he kept saying he wanted to stay in the house although he was not too bad once we were out. He doesnt randomly hit- he plays pretty well with other toddlers he knows but if he perceives a child is in 'his space' he lashes out. When he was smaller, it was hard but I got through it knowing he didn't really understand. Now, though, his understanding is much better but it appears his impulses are too strong to control. He's actually quite a sensitive little thing so he gets upset too when he doesn't like the situation he had created and I think he feels a little out of control.

He went through a phase of not doing it at all but seems to have regressed in the last couple of months.

I've just started giving him a vitamin tonic thing in a vain hope that it might help.

Just to add you are not alone!! DD1 turned twoyesterday. Most of the time she is adorable, funny, friendly and very swet natured but hr tantrums are definitely on th eincrease!! Yesterday a friend came over just as DD1 and DD2 ( 9 months) sat down to eat supper. DD1 whinged cried and shouted no all the way through supper, culminating in a big tantrum on the floor. Am sure it was an attention thing as it only started when my firend arrived. Today she cried non stop from when I picker her up at 12 from nursery to when she went to sleep after a battle at 1245. She is very exhausted from a busy weekend of family and birthday fun but is definitely getting more and more demanding at the moment!
Meanwhile she is an angel child at nursery on the two morning s a week she goes, a virtual angel child for DH (who she hardly sees in week as he works long hours so only sees him at weekend) and she saves all the tantrums whinging etc for me. I too am back to work part time in a couple of weeks after mat leave 2 and have to admit that I am quite looking forward to a break from the constant daily battles.

Thanks. It's good to know that I'm not alone. It always feels like my ds is behaving the worst whilst my friend's toddlers, even when my friends moan about them, seem to be all sweetness and light.

I'm really holding out for him turning three and hoping there will be a positive change. I'm so tired of the constant war of attrition in our household and the pseudo patience which never seems to help alter his behaviour.

I don't want to be the mum who just gets through the day, sighs relief at 7.30pm whilst slumping into the sofa with a glass of wine.

I, too, now want to go back to work, even though we can probably scrape by without me doing so. However, the thought of looking after both kids day in day out without any help (dh works late every night too) makes me quite terrified. I think I'll be a much better mum if I get a balance.

Just wanted to add that we are going through something similar. Ds is 2.7 and his behaviour has gone downhill over the last few weeks. I feel like I am always having to be super positive to keep him going. This is so draining plus the fact that I am 33 weeks pregnant im finding it difficult to keep it up.

His stubbornness has reached new heights and will refuse to say sorry for ages. Even missing out in something he would really enjoy instead of saying sorry. He really does understand what he has done wrong as we talk it through afterwards when he is calm. I do find getting him out and about really helps. This week I have also started to drop his daytime nap as bedtimes have got later and later. Yesterday went well and he was less hyper yesterday afternoon and we even sat and did puzzles nicely.

I'm also going to try and do a start chart for good behaviour as he seems to work well with bribes rewards. So no such advice just that I feel strangely reassured that we are not the only ones and hope everyone else does too!

Sounds v familiar. dS 2.11, is ill so off nursery, but I've been spending 15-30 mins with him 121 and it's helped massively - normall I do end up shouting but not for the last 2 days. We have a dd 7m too. You're not alone.

You're definitely not alone, your DS sounds just like mine. He's 2.6 and we have a 5mo DD. My placid little easy-going guy has gone and instead has been replaced with this wailing banshee of stubbornness.

He's been spending time with his very timid cousin of the same age and has learnt the charming phrase "get off me!" which he shouts at every available opportunity. I feed the baby and he's halfway up the curtains/in the washing machine/shredding the mail. I tried giving him a snack and a drink just before her feed so he's distracted and it just doesn't work. He's obsessed with the iPhone and will whine, beg, and plead for time playing with it. I let him when he's good but within limits, I have some kids apps with shapes and colours, nursery rhymes, etc. but as soon as his time is up or he isn't allowed it, out comes the tantrum. He's into everything, his energy is boundless and difficult to channel because he has the attention-span of a teaspoon.

I get "jokey" comments from the in-laws that are really getting me down. He's a handful, I know I've got him, he's a tornado, "quick hide the toys, he's coming!", the mess-maker, cloth ears, Captain Stubborn, and so on. One of DH's cousins has cognitive problems, behavioural issues, problems distinguishing fantasy vs reality, and is on the autism spectrum. MIL commented that DS reminds her of him at that age :( I know he's fine but the comments make me feel awful, like I'm failing him by letting him run around like a directionless whirlwind and failing as a mother because I can't control him.

He does listen to instructions, he just picks and chooses whether to follow them, I often say his problem is that he's got a heavy case of the twos. He and DH tend to butt heads a bit, DH isn't immune to embarrassment like I am. DS throws a tantrum in the supermarket and I just study the nearest shelf, ignoring him until he's done. DH gets a bit flustered and tries to stop him which just inflames the situation, he also takes PILs comments personally and worries he's not a good dad.

Today though we got a babysitter for DD (my mum!) and took DS out for the day, just the three of us. It was magic! Seriously magic. He was so good all day, did what he was asked, walked everywhere (often he takes the huff and wants a carry), played nicely, and went to bed with no demands we sleep with him. I think making time just for him could be the way forward. I've also enrolled him in pre-school two mornings a week as I think he could use the structure and the experience of learning to play with other children without grabbing them like he does now.

I'm so glad I'm not the only one thinking my lovely baby has been swapped for a demon!

Just marking my place, as you lot sound just like me! Very glad I've found this thread but battery about to die on iPad so will recharge and come back later! Offering empathy in the meantime...

Oh God, Thankyou, thankyou everyone. I logged on tonight as have had a very tough day with my twin boys who are 2.7. Its so nice to know others are going through the same. My boys are going through a very whiney, whingy stage at the mo, they have had a succession of winter colds and bugs and am wondering if they are run down with it all. They are very spirited and with two the same age they kind of egg each other on and really push boundaries. They definately get away with more because there's two, i tend to let a lot of bad behavior go just for an easier life and to get through each day, i have to pick my battles because to go up against them over every little thing would be so draining. The little monkeys undermine me as well over such as the naughty step for example, when one is on the naughty step the other is laughing and giggling in the background. I too am holding out a lot of hope that we will turn a corner sometime after they have turned 3, i feel it can only get better, surely not worse?! Apart from anything else in September they will get their 15 hours funding preschool place and so i will finally get a break from them for the first time in 3 years. I am a full time mum and dont feel guilty about looking forward to that!!

I second what everyone said above, so just here to offer empathy and say it sounds like you are already doing all the right things. Like everything else, this phase too will pass! Good luck.

Bit of a breakthrough this weekend! I'm hoping it's not a fluke ... but ds woke up yesterday morning with a pleasant "hello mummy" and a smile, not tbe usual whingemoanwhingemoan fest. He was (dare I say it) delightful pretty much all day. The one thing, apart from his better behaviour, was that it was almost like he had learned how to speak literally overnight. His speech has improved gradually after my initial concerns he was a little behind his peers a few months ago, but yesterday he started speaking in full sentences and hasn't stopped the whole weekend. He was the same when he learned to walk- whine, whine, whine while he staggered about like a drunk baby giraffe. One morning he woke up and could walk really well, and run, and has never stopped since. His mood dramatically improved.

I just wonder whether it is this that had helped - plus the fact that he seems to be almost recovered from a string of illnesses. I don't know if it's a happy coincidence but I've also been giving him a vitamin tonic as he hasn't been eating much recently. Maybe that has helped too?

Dh was talking to his mate the other night about our ds and his ds who is very similar in temperament. His wife is training to be a midwife and as part of her research, she's found that boys of toddler age can experience quite pronounced testosterone spikes, often coinciding with a leap in development. This really explains a lot of my ds's behaviour - increase in aggression, chaotic behaviour, frustration, awkwardness and anger.

I'm under no illusion that he will probably wake up tomorrow and have regressed but at least we have had a pleasant weekend.