Nightmare mornings with 3 year old son: at wit's end! LONG sorry

[ChangyMcNamechangerson]

Background: my son has some minor speech problems, possible glue ear, and has been assessed by a paediatrician/Ed Psych/ SALT etc. and is developmentally normal.

He has always had an iron will, very determined, single-minded etc. However, he is also very affectionate, sweet etc.

But mornings are horrific. He refuses to get dressed; won't wear a coat, hat or gloves. So I wrap him in a big cardigan and lots of layers and after lots of fights we make our way to nursery. the ten minute walk is a nightmare- he refuses to come unless I pretend to walk off; farts around with his scooter; wants carrying etc etc. He loves nursery so I don't get it.

Anyway, I got to breaking pont this morning. Had to sit on him to get him dressed; then took him outisde. As usual he refuses to walk until I virtually disappear round the corner. Then he comes, but is freezing because he has no coat and gloves or hat on (we all know how cold it is today). Of course, I am carrying these items, so try to put them on. No dice, and he sits on the pavement, crying, freezing, wanting to be carried etc. This goes on and on and in the end I march him home for his Dad to take in. (This is in front of dozens of morning commuters for whom I am now Bad Mother of the Year).

This happens every day and I am at the end of my tether. What can I do?! Any suggestions welcome. It doesn't sound so bad when I write it down but honestly, I am like a boiling volcano at the moment and have turned into 'shouty Mummy'. I hate shouting but it is happening daily. This morning he said 'Mummy is cross'. Yes, I am. But I am also puzzled as to what to do next- even today's freezing temperatures won't make him co-operate.

I suppose the problem isn't the coats etc. per se but the utter lack of co-operation. He can be like this about other things e.g. apron on at nursery, hand-washing and so on. (Won't wear a coat at nursery either.)

afraid I dont have any advice just empathy. Sounds awful completely get why your at your at your wits end, its the repetiveness of it. Reason I reply is your description of your son at the start is the mirror of mine, poor speech due to ear issues, will of steel but kind etc. He is 2 and 3 months and has also does the coat thing and not wanting to walk. cooperates at nursery though and like yours loves it. weirdly always balked about getting dressed. We got round the coat hat and gloves by taking him shopping for them this time. He picked from a selection I offered having looked previously. Dont know if that might help.

be interested if anyone knows if the ears and behaviour thing are linked. I wondered if hes trying to express himself as can't in other ways. know alot of kids with poor speech hit, tantrum etc. luckily he doesn't at mo and hoping to fix problem before he gets there. he is improving massively.

Hi tricksy, are you me?!! Empathy coming your way too: hard, isn't it?

Yes, i think the speech and behaviour and kind of linked....but aside from the incidents I mentioned above, he is fine. So why coats, aprons, handwashing? I guess what they have in common is that things are being put on him...but he doesn't mind PJs. Hmmm.

We got round the coat hat and gloves by taking him shopping for them this time. He picked from a selection I offered having looked previously. Dont know if that might help.

Thanks, yes, I tried that and thought it would help....but I have ended up with a massive pile of stuff, none of which he would wear! I actually made a few pounds eBaying some of his 1-2 year old stuff that was never worn. Every cloud has a silver lining!

Glad your son is improving. Mine does hit, tantrum etc. but only really with us at the times I described, so I gess it could be worse.

speech and behaviour are kind of linked....sorry for typing.

Have you tried stickers/rewards (probably!)

lots empathy,iron willed kids here too!

i found making a list things we pass helped one of mine walk to school

drew pictures(but if you have a printer could just print and cut them out) and put them in order.it worked as a distracton and worked for us racing to find the next one on the list like it was a pirates map for treasure

maybe my kids are just easily flim flammedmaybe worth a try though

Pigeon, yeah, but no luck. He likes playing with the chart and the stickers but he is not at all motivated by external rewards.

liveinazoo, that sounds good, thanks! We do have certain 'landmarks' that he likes but I din't really think of doing it more systematically. Worth a try, thanks.

My son (who is 2.6 yo) went through a phase of hating wearing coats, when I got him a fleecy type thing for the autumn and then when he got his winter coat. He also point blank refuses to wear hats, scarves and gloves. I decided that it's important that he wears a coat just to keep him generally warm and so literally shove it on him and tell him he has no choice but to wear it. Over time he has to come to accept that the coat is not up for discussion. However I can't be bothered to argue with him about the hat, scarf and gloves so I don't. I ask him if he wants to wear them, he usually doesn't and so off he goes, it's just not worth the hassle. Recently he has become more amenable to gloves but not all the time!

My dd is the same, she is 4.5 yo, she is fine with coat but rarely wears hat etc. I make sure she always has gloves in her pocket at school but yesterday she didn't wear them at all and it was freezing! At the weekend when we were walking around town she took her coat off and wandered round in a T-shirt - OK it wasn't quite as cold as today but wasn't warm either. Sometimes it is not worth the battle but it does depend on what the circumstance/issue is, i.e. the sun was out on Saturday, it wasn't freezing cold and also she is older so will just say if she starts to get cold that she wants her coat back on.

Ds is not keen on wearing aprons so I tell him if he wants to help me do baking then he has to wear one, which usually works. He is a pain for running off when trying to dress him but I just pin him down and do it, sometimes this involves shouting from me although I desperately try not to, and I just ignore him whilst he protests. Maybe try saying very little or trying not to shout as much (not slating you for shouting as it's almost impossible not to and so often I have to stop myself!) but just ignore him and get him dressed, shove his coat on. Maybe it's partly an attention thing, as he knows he'll get attention, albeit negative, from you by not co-operating. What about saying, 'do you want to go to nursery?' hopefully he will say 'yes' and then you say 'well if you want to go then you need to get dressed/put coat on/scoot along/catch me up etc'. I try and phrase requests etc in a more positive way, i.e. do you want to/if you want to and then saying well then you need to do this rather than saying 'if you don't get dressed you can't go to nursery etc'

Maybe it is to do with not being able to communicate easily with you and a connection between speech and ear problems combined with the boundary testing they constantly through at you at this age. DS is much more unco-operative, stroppy, iron-willed then dd ever was at this age but at the same time is generally a lovely, sweet boy.

Hope this helps a bit, sorry if it's useless advice but you are not alone.

Sorry for long post above, just to pick up on what other posters have said, maybe make walk to nursery a challenge, e.g. have a race to a certain landmark, even if it's just a lamp post, play spot the bus/lorry/car of a certain colour, see who is the first to see the 'pink house' or other landmark. I do this with ds when trying to get him to walk rather than go in pushchair to school.

It sounds very much like my 17m DS, I know he is younger, but after seeing the health visitor (also at my wits end) our plan of action included winding up to doing things, eg; if leaving the house at 8.40am, start by telling him at 8.15am that it is nearly time to go, then at 8.20wks asking him if he can find his coat/shoes/hat etc, then I often give him a snack while dressing him.

I have found he needs a lot of warning before doing things and although it is an added thing to do, it does make things go a lot smoother.

Good luck :)

That should be am, not wks (bloody auto-correct!)

My good friend has a son who sounds very like this. He'll wear his coat, etc to go outside, but he has delayed speech due to hearing problems and he's an extremely challenging child at times (though sweet and kind and actually very lovely at others). He wilfully broke, ripped, smashed all kinds of stuff at their house and at others, would get on his scooter and roar off down the (mercifully quiet) road outside their house, refused to go to bed and screamed, ran around the house every evening for hours until he exhausted himself. In short, it was horrendous and it lasted from about 2 - 3.5 years when his behaviour improved as a result of having gromits (sp?) fitted. He could finally hear properly, understand instructions, join in nicely with other kids' play, and his speech has come on in leaps and bounds. He's still quite destructive and has an iron will, but the other issues are a lot better. Are you addressing your DS's hearing issues? I was amazed at what a difference that one little operation made to my friend's son (who I was convinced had SN of some kind before that!)

My 4 year old DS ( no hearing problems) was like this last year and he's so much better now. I found immediate rewards helped; get dressed quickly and we'll have time to play for 10 minutes before leaving, get to nursery quickly and we'll have time to spend 5 minutes on the playground. Also agree with playing a game while you walk; first to touch something green, first to spot a cat etc, pretend to be batman and robin

Even with this we still had some terrible rages mainly because some days I just didn't have the energy to make it all into a game and we'd get stuck in a downward spiral. It is a lot easier now he's that bit older.

maxmissie: thank you so much for the detailed respons eand it is very useful so please don't apologise! I try not to say anything whilst dressing him but sometimes (too often) my temper gets the better of me. :( Coat...yes, I did make this non-negotiable for a while but the Early Years advisor said to just ignore the issue and it would resolve itself (the nursery, rightly, did not want to 'force' him into it.) So I have given up altogether on the coat as I don't want to do different things to the nursery. I like the emphasis on poitive language; I do try this but I'm not always successful.

Yes, I think it is the combination of hearing problems plus boundary-testing.

Thanks dedalus?yes, we are trying hard to ?signpost? things early i.e. that we are going to nursery; then break the morning down into steps like you do. I don?t always do this but I try and I agree that it is useful.

Juneau- thanks, he has been assessed by Audiology and has a follow-up to check that the glue ear is not just a response to a heavy cold. If it is confirmed at the next appointment (March) he will be referred to ENT. I saw the GP about it yesterday who informed me that they have been told by the PCT (or whatever they are called now) that ENT referrals have to go down.  I?m pleased for your friend?it must be such a relief. Yes, grommets will be an option for us if glue ear is confirmed.

Thanks steviesmith: the short-term/immediate rewards thing sounds good. But yes, we too have some terrible rages that make me very upset (don?t bother my DH; he says? that?s just the way he is?.) Then I get upset and it?s a downward spiral, as you say.

I think he may grow out of it (I hope) and if the hearing is addressed quickly that would help. It?s just so terribly wearing, even if it is only a phase. To be fair, he does get over the anger extremely quickly.

I don't think his speech has anything to do with it. He's just testing you.

I'd get a pushchair. If he won't walk with you I'd put in the pushchair. He then knows he has a choice. He either behaves or goes in the pushchair.

When he is being naughty (for attention) ignore that behaviour and focus on something good he is doing and praise him for that. It can help to break the cycle of always feeling you are telling him off in the morning.

Sooooooooooooo the same with us and DD who, at 2.6, could easily beat Mr Stubborn (winner of the stubbornest stubborn creature in donkey land 2011) into second place. She has no ear/speech issues; she has met all of her milestones and in all other ways is a terrific little girl. She shares nicely, she is polite, she is an angel for her grandparents, she is kind to the animals even reading the dog stories. Try to get her dressed in the morning or clean her teeth and she turns into a banshee shaped ball of tantrum.
Stickers have helped the getting ready to come back from the childminder's.
In the last couple of days we have had breakfast and then gone straight to get ready beforewe do a puzzle thus giving the incentive of playing without interruption before going to childminder's.
I don't know if it helps you to know you're not alone and it all sounds fairly normal looking at all your replies but it's really going to help me and DH.
:)

Thanks Journey: Really? He is the size of a 5 year old (98th centile for height and weight)...it would look a bit bizarre. (And then there is the issue of physically forcing him into the pushchair, which is what I would have to do).

Thanks for the reminder about positive reinforcement. It is soemthing we do but yes, we do often focus on the negative aspects of what he is doing. It's interesting; he is completely flummoxed when I ignore him!

But at the end of the day he has to get dressed and has to go to nursery so there is a limit to what can be ignored, I guess.

Thanks pootie....yes, it helps so much to know it's not just me. I feel like it's all my fault. :( Thanks to everyone; it is very comforting (as well as useful!)

I think a positive incentive i.e. puzzle or a bit of Abney and Teal before we go might help....so, get ready, then we watch A & T. Might help.

you're right, you are me! my son also being assessed in march for grommets. was offered them in november but as only just 2 wanted to wait and see if improved was getting better over the summer. Obviously now winter bugs in full swing his hearings bad again.

Have you tried giving him neurofen when he plays up? know it sounds odd but i find when he behaves badly he often is better after neurofen. used to take him to docs at that point and always confirmed ear infection even though no temp. don't take him now unless goes on for a while as nothing they can do unless bacterial and they were giving him antibiotics every other week, literally. now I only go when i dont think it's clearing up. He doesnt cry but mum says when i was little i had countless ear infections as well and never cried until really extreme. Sure you've probably tried this but just incase, as know its a little contravercial to medicate without temp but might be worth a try. (spelling is dreadful sorry) Also must be ibruprofen not paracetamol as it works on the swelling. Again sure you know but just in case.

Liveinazoo Love the idea of the landmark map, thanks x

bless you. i also have a stubborn 3 year old ds1. i do think his hearing is behind some of it, try sticking cottonwool in your ears for a day and see how frustrated you feel! for the mornings would having a visual timetable help? Photo's of what you need to do next then stick them up\take them down once done? also a first and then book, basically a page with a photo on (say of getting dressed) you point and say first we need to do this and then....on the other page you would have something he like's doing. used both strategies with children with delayed speech with lot's of success.

Tricksy, so sorry to hear about the ear infections; they are so painful! Poor mite. Hope the grommets help if he needs them.

Yes, I give Calpol on occasion becuse at the moment he is constantly full of colds and so it does make him feel better.

I have made a landmark map using PowerPoint! Liveinazoo you are a genius.

Thanks everyone. I feel a bit better now and I feel like I have some strategies.

dribbleface- yes, we are working on visual timetables with the early Intervention officer and the nursery. But I think I'll crack on with it now....might as well do it myself!! Thanks! :)

I am loving these visual stratagies huge thanks. kind of do it at bed time (where there's no issue) but for some reason never thought of it for morning. hopefully will work.

Thanks changy as would never have seen/heard them without your origonal post. My ds also on 98th centile. if yours is blonde too then this is getting freaky. defo try swapping calpol for neurofen. calpol makes no difference to mine. also constantly got cold and these cause his ears to get sore. not so bad as to cause night waking etc but enough to make him more wilful than usual. as they sound similar might help you. obviously doesnt make him perfect but takes out the touchyness strops about being changed etc leaving just the poor behaviour so less chastising and more chance to praise.

journey just to clarify not saying the kids arn't trying it on or that it doesn't need addressing. just saying that it might be why they play up sometimes. my son does football ( loosest sence of the word. basically games fors toddlers) and to an on looker at first he'd have looked like a really naughty boy as wasn't following the instructions. I explained to the coach that he didn't understand them so now they show the instructions and tap him to get his attention etc. different child.

Yes, thanks- the visual strategies are soooo helpful. I've had a fun day making these things! :)

Thanks everyone and good luck tricksy and everyone else in this situation! Some great ideas here. :)

Just wanted to come back and up date the thread.

I did a visual timetable of the mornings: from mil right through to scooter and out the door, and we ticked off each item as it was achived! Worked like a dream (apart from the coat). :D

Then, I made a visual map of local landmarks on the way to nursery, numbered them, and again we found them on the way there. Wonderful- was brilliant.

I swear Mumsnet is full of geniuses! Thanks so much! :) Early days but a promising start!