Preschool friendships and playdates: what is normal? Help!

[alleykitten]

DS is 3.5. We moved to a rural community from London and I've found it difficult getting out there and meeting other parents, partly due to working and partly because I'm naturally quite shy and find hanging about at playgroups where everyone else knows each other stressful.

Recently I've felt that I should make more of an effort so DS knows some of the kids he'll be at school with in September. So far we've had two playdates, both of which were pretty awful. He goes to nursery and is happy there and gets on fine with the other kids, but at both playdates was grumpy, inflexible and rubbish at sharing, and there were multiple time outs and I'm sure the other mums and kids couldn't wait to escape. I feel like I've burnt bridges with 2 nice families and can't face doing it again.

Will he survive socially if he sees his friends at nursery and at his CM and hangs out with us the rest of the time? Will he grow into playing with other children at his/their home without it turning sour? Or do I need to make way more effort to integrate?

Thanks x

Can you find places to have playdates that aren't at someone's house eg; meet up at a soft play place or in a park or museum.

my dd (2.8) and her friends all get on really well but there are always arguments over toys with whosever house we're in - it always seems much easier when we're on neutral ground

Thanks, MrsDandBaby, that's a good idea for next time. When the weather's a bit better it'll be a lot easier, I guess.

Another vote for neutral ground - sharing their own toys is always harder.

I've found 3.5 a difficult age for sharing, they're old enough to know they should but not mature enough to actually do it. I would guess this behaviour is unlikely to be shocking to the other families, unless they don't get out much.

I've heard things get much better once they're at school.

I have two DDs - 5.5 and 4. DD1 has always been very sociable, however DD2 is only starting to be interested in friends after turning 4.

When your DS plays with other children at his CM and nursery I wouldn't worry about playdates at his age.

I'd see how it goes when he starts school, and if he has difficulties connecting with the other children, then organise playdates on a neutral ground.

Worry not. If he is at nursery he will be mixing with other children and learning social skills. My DD at this age was really not that interested in other children, but was quite happy to play alongside them. She is in Reception now and is happy and making friends, we have the occasional play date with school friends which is nice.
I think the whole social Mum/baby thing is yet another stick to beat ourselves with!

I'm sure the play dates didn't go as badly as you think - most 3yo are a bit rubbish at sharing, so the other mums will be used to time outs etc. Personally all I hope for from a playdate is that I get on well with the other mum and our DCs don't hurt each other - anything else is a bonus!

One idea is to invite over 2 other mums and their DSs - then if 1 mum has to reprimand her DS (or take him to the loo etc), the other 2 can chat together and give her space rather than sit there waiting for her to finish. Also if you're shy, it takes the pressure off you in terms of making conversation.

I agree with other posters that play dates are likely to get easier, and also that they aren't necessary at this age if you hate them. However, would you like to meet some local people for your own benefit? If so, the parents of DS's friends are a great place to start. If you invite them over on play dates to start with, some may turn into proper adult friends, and at least you'll know some of the faces at the school gates come September. So you might want to persevere for that reason, not just for your DS's sake?

Hey, thanks v much all for advice and reassurance. Feel a bit better about it now. I think I'm just going to relax a bit and let him get on with nursery and then if there are invites we'll steer them into some sort of group activity instead as suggested.

Group idea interesting too. I saw threads that said groups were more problematic, but maybe that's once they're at that feudy primary school stage. Eek.

In my v ltd experience (!) I've found playdates the least effective way of getting to know someone because I'm constantly intervening to stop DS from being a monster and lose the thread of conversation, which means meaningless smalltalk on autopilot. But maybe in a group, with wine... and a 3.5yo sized cage...

Although I still fail constantly to take my own advice neutral ground is the way to go. Dd is 6 and still struggles. Not at the other persons house though. If it must be at yours, try to provide neutral activities rather than expecting dc to share special toys. I think of my I phone and how I would feel if a guest wanted first dibs on it. Would cope - but not like and I
am considerably older than my dc (obviously!).

I would persevere with playdates at home. My DD (3.5) has playdates every week since she started preschool in September and the first 4 or 5 playdates were quite stressful for all as the children got used to playing togethet and sharing toys and taking turns. Now they play so much better together though there are still tears and the odd tantrum at each playdate with one or more of the girls (we tend to have two or three of her friends round at a time).

We also meet up at parks/cafes/neutral spaces. But I like the fact that DD has learned now to share her toys and her space and to play well with others so playdates at home will continue.