How to deal with DS (3) who decided this morning he would not keep a seatbelt on?

[bintofbohemia]

He's such a stubborn little so and so, everything is a battle with him and he doesn't respond to discipline in the same way that his big brother does.

This morning DH was running late and tried to strap DS2 into his car seat. He was fighting and struggling and every time DH got it fastened DS undid it. DH came storming in the house and said "I'll have to leave him here as I need to get to work." I work from home and am on a deadline today but even so it's not really the point.

I told him to put the 3 point babyseat back in the car if DS won't go in his big seat, which I presume he did as they've gone now.

But this is typical of DS and sometimes we're both at a loss at how to deal with him. All the normal stuff doesn't seem to work with him, ie time out, taking toys away etc as he just doesn't seem to care and won't co-operate.

ANyone else got one of these? What do you do?

Yep my DD2 used to be like that, had to find the tightest stiffest buckle to stop her undoing it but that only made my fingers hurt!

Go back to the babyseat, tell him he'll stay in it until he can be a big boy like his brother. No discussion no attention to his protests, bung him in and strap him up.

Another phase to get through, drives you spare doesn't it?

Christ, I've never known anything like it! This phase seems to have been going for a good year now.

He's going to school in September and he'll have only just turned 4 by about a week. I know it's a way off but I dread to think how he's going to get on. Nursery have already asked us how we deal with him - apparently they were getting ready to wrap up what they were doing to go on to PE and he just said NO and wouldn't. That's just one example....

Did your DD grow out of it a bit? If so, what age ?

obviously not something that can work when you are running late, but you could try planning a trip to somewhere you know he enjoys. if he takes his seatbelt off, stop the car and wait. tell him once (neutrally) to put hs seatbelt on, and remind him you cannot go to X until he does.

then wait it out.

and do it each time he undoes his belt.

or put him back in the smaller seat, but that wil have a limited shelf life.

if he needs to be in the bigger seat weight/height wise, then there are other options available, some mundane, some drastic.

there are guards you can get to go over the seatbelt fastener (think jojomamnbebe used to do them) to stop little fingers meddling, and then a variety of things right up to extra harnesses (but wouldnt recommend one of those without a serious need - eg my dd1 uses one, but she has severe ASD and therefore delayed understanding _ i reckon she would finally be ok without one, but she is now 7.6)

Hi silverfrog - thanks for the advice. If he tries that one again I'll look into those guards, I've never heard of those before. I've just remembered DS1 managed to learn how to undo his 3 point seat buckle when he was just turned two, and I used to have to wrap a scarf around the buckle to stop him escaping. But he was very young and once it was explained to him he grew out of it.

I sometimes worry DS2 has ODD although I know three might be a bit early to be thinking about it? Reading that link reminded me - on Saturday I wouldn't let DS2 watch tv until he'd finished his tea, and he got really wound up and frustrated and you could see him racking his brains for what he could say to me; he came out with "shut up, you....STUPID POO!" (I had to go away and laugh unfortunately but this is what he's like.)

(He can also be absolutely lovely obviously - but we're constantly on eggshells around him because he'll kick off about anything.

My DS used to do that when he was about 3 years. Once when i was parked on our local high street he refused to keep his seat belt on. A community officer happened to be standing close by watching the drama. I called her over and told her that my son will not obey the law. She just told him softly to put his belt on and he did so fast, without a sound. DS knew then that obeying the law was important otherwise the police will take you to prison! This worked wonders. To this day (DS is now 7) he puts his belt on religiously.

bintofbohemia, 3 is not too young to be thinking about anyhting, if you are having concerns. to be frank, the sooner you are in the system (if you are going to need to be) the better - there are numerous built in delays etc.

if you are concerned (beyond 'oh, god, he is being 3 and I am at my wits' end") maybe try popping over to the SN section, and laying out what bothers you? there is a whole wealth of experience over there, and we have been through most things behaviour-wise. this doesn't mena I think you need to talk to people on SN, btw, but you'll get some shit-hot advice on how to deal with a whole range of behaviours, stemming from a whole range of causes (from being 3, to being a younger sibling, to possibly having some issues - whatever they may be - and so on)

It's really really hard with a child like this.
With dd we tried two things at once-huge amounts of positive attention, crucially letting her get on with things whenever possible eg she's 7 and has been getting her own breakfast for years-she needs to be independent whenever possible.
Conversely with things like road safety/refusing to do something that then holds us up- I totally ignored any tantrumming and basicly made her realise that whatever i said was going to happen whether she liked it or not- I would explain calmly why and then, even it took carrying her, would carry on. I had to put up with the looks when this happened outside, but it's better now.I am the boss and they need to understand that.
Sometimes I would lose it though. When she undid the carseat, I pulled over, got her out of the car and shouted at her -not a tecnique I'd say was great but I know friends who marched their kids into the police station and that seemed to work.
Timeout works with dd now she is 7-eg if she fights with her brothers on the way home from school she has to spend 5 minutes in her bedroom when she gets home and she hates it, but she does do it.When she was 3 I would remove her from the situation and stay with her in a quiet place (hard to find in our house)whilst she calmed down and then talk it through with her-so not a punishment as such.
Do you mean he won't cooperate generally or won't cooperate with sanctions?
I went to school a month after my 4th birthday and I was ok, fell asleep in my dinner every night, and being worn out is no bad thing!

bint I ca't remember when she grew out of it exactly as there was something else to challenge us by then!

Just different approaches needed with each child (just when you think you've learnt a thing or two...HA!)

DD1 could always be persuaded to "help" and loved doing things alongside you.
DD2 was "don't want to....no" which lead to confrontation all the time at first till I got tired of being cross all the time. We noticed she loved a challenge or race so we'd say "bet I can put more toys away than you" or "quick first one up the stairs is the winner" which worked most of the time!

She STILL baulks at doing stuff at times (15 now) so bribery works quite well. She is ruthless in sharing/only doing her half so I get both of them to empty the dishwasher,one does top one does bottom, or walk the dog, one does am walk one does pm. God forbid she does anything unprompted but at least it does get done,mostly.

DS had to learn that this was NOT negotiable. During this phase I would build in a few minutes (ie head to the car a bit earlier than needed). When he refused to put seatbelt on I would simply tell him we weren't going anywhere until he put it on and then I sat on the pavement while he had his tant. The longest I ever did this was about 20 minutes. I'd say we had about 15-20 incidences like this and he eventually learnt I wasn't going to budge. Now the odd reminder that the policemen will stop mommy if you're not wearing your seatbelt works.

Thanks everyone. I think he's got away with murder (both here and at nursery) from time to time as he's such hard work to discipline but I think we definitely need to set very very clear boundaries and stick to them. He refused to eat his tea last night but then started demanding pudding - another thing that he does is repeats himself over and over and over again, so he'll ask for something and doesn't stop asking for ridiculous amounts of time. Plus he'll ask a question, you answer him and he'll ask the same question again over and over - in the end I just give up answering him and ignore it but the repetition really ups my blood pressure!

Hopefully, it will all be a stage, but I'm keeping my eye on things...