Severely clingy 18 month old

[PorridgeBrain]

Hi all, posting for some advice as am out of options. Dd2 is 18 months and for the last 9 months has been severely clingy towards me. She basically wants a 'cuddle' constantly and if not being cuddled is screaming the house down. This is constant throughout the day unless she is eating, watching tv or am sat in one place in which case she may eventually leave my side.

However if I am stood up and not cuddling her she is screaming. Inenvitably with a part time job and a 4 year old there are many many times of the day that this needs to happen - cooking, dishes, washing up, seeing to a 4 year old, getting ready for school run/work etc etc, coupled with the fact that I am only comfortable with very limited periods of tv time in the day.

I have tried dropping everything and cuddling on demand so she is reassured to the opposite of putting her away from me in her cot for a minute at a time to convey that the constant crying around mummy is not acceptable but for my and dd1's sanity also.

I have spoken to a health Visitor who watched her in action and said it was controlling behaviour and I shouldn't pander to her and pick up but I can't never pick her up so am struggling to get the balance right and make sure I am not sending mixed messages.

Incidentally, when I am not around, she is fine and happy (my husband looks after her one day a week and childminder two days a week with only the occasional clingy episode). But if I am there too, she won't go to anyone else, including my dh.

I desperately need a solution, the constant crying is getting us all down and it's affecting my eldest dd. I experienced the standard short periods of separation anxiety with dd1 but this is something else and seems like an unhealthy obsession. Am I missing a technique that I should be applying that I have not yet tried??

Any advice gratefully received if you are still reading!

Sounds like she is controlling you. Can you pick her up for a cuddle when she is not crying? Then ignore her when she is having a tantrum. I have dd2 who will go out of her way to try and control me. When she was 3 I tried the naughty step. We had just had new carpet on the stairs. I sat her on the bottom stair and she looked me in the eye and said "i will wee on it" and she did!! The most important thing is to be consistant. If you ignore her crying 90% of the time but pick her up 10% of the time, she will just keep trying. It's so hard sometimes not to give in for a quiet life. Good luck.

Thank you for your reply. I guess what I meant in my post is that she is always asking for cuddles, ie she asks without crying and the crying only comes when I say I can't as I am doing xxx. I don't want to be in a position where she thinks I don't want to cuddle her ever as that's a parents job to give a child love and reassurance but equally because of the situation now feel like I shoudn't be picking her up at all even when she is asking and not crying and I can pick her up because she will think its ok to keep asking for cuddles constantly. Does that make sense? Do you think putting her in her cot when she won't give in and the screaming is stopping everyone from functioning is the right or wrong approach? Its done after warnings but not sure she understands the point. I know ignoring is the ideal approach but it has such an impact on everyone that the consant crying gets too much.

To be honist they aren't really capable of that sort of complicated controling behavoir at that age. Sounds like normal separation anxiety espicaly if it's been going on since around 9months as that is when it tends to start.

Some toddlers are just more clingy then others. Responding to her needs is more likly to help. I know that's hard with an older one and needing to get things done. You could try a sling, back carry type. She mite enjoy being able to partisipate in what you are doing.

I do this with DS when he gets grumpy although he's been quit a chilled baby do don't to it to often. I have a friend who always has to cook tea with her toddler on her back or he's just cry the whole time.

it's not controlling, she has a need. now why? possible reasons are she might be overtired - is she getting enough sleep? or could she be in pain? are you sure she is alright and healthy? also, it sounds like you are very busy... is she okay when you are on the playground or when you have other children around the house or meeting with other mums/families? is she clingy even then?

for a HV to just say she is controlling you really upsets me, she should try to get to the heart of the problem rather than blaming the child. maybe the questions will help you figure out what's going on...

She's a good sleeper and happy when out and about at other people's houses when lots of people are around, but then I am likely to be sat down then. She doesn't seem to like me standing up which I am doing a lot of the time at home. she's a v big baby and far too heavy to carry around. Not really sure how to make myself less busy - I have a cleaner but I have to cook, tidy up and wash up. If I sit down, she won't play, just sits on me.

I think she is teething this week so it probably explains why she is worse this week but this has been a long term thing so not sure pain is particularly te cause. She is a v good talker.

My DD 20month is the same............

Nothing works, I now reassure her as much as possible and slowly she will go off and play... but she doesn't like it sometimes when I cook and I pass her to my husband she gets very "angry" but she is fine if he takes her away upstairs and plays/puts TV on ......

But she will come and seek me as well! So any tips are welcome from me too!!!!!!!!!!

Dd2 was like this. She is now nearly 3. I cannot believe your hv said that she was controlling you! What a ridiculous thing to say about a very small child. I know its very wearing but actuaLly there is very little you can do, except to give her lots of physical closeness. Dd2 was like this until she was about 2 and then very shy following this. She would stay by my legs rather than just try to keep climbing up them! She's now 2 and 9 months and can see her get more confident. She will go off and play in toddler groups and be quite vocal and confident with people and surroundings she knows.

It sounds like she has a need to be close to you - you need to find a way to give her that closeness whilst also tending to your own needs and those of your DD1. A sling is the best option. I found with my own DD that using it to get around meant that she had her contact needs met and was more likely to seperate when we arrived at our destination - eg slinging around the shops meant she'd be happy enough to play seperately for a little while when we got home. The opposite was also true. I could wash up and cook dinner and do anything else required without a toddler climbing up my legs, whinging and getting in the way, and she was happy because she was involved in what I was doing and at adult eye-level.

Give her what she needs and she'll likely grow out of it soon enough, as long as she knows she's always got the option to return to you/your arms/the sling.

I have exactly the same issue with my 19mo dd. I agree with what's been said about the hv, agh, they make me so mad! I havnt seen mine since dd was 11mo and she came round and talked at me, giving me the worst, shocking advice ever! I wonder though, is carrying them in a sling really the best thing to do? I know they love it, I carry dd when we're out for a bit, but I'm 5mths pregnant and she is just too heavy to carry her whilst doing the housework. Even without being pregnant I think this is too much. I wish there was another solution!

She is not 'controlling' you, what a ridiculous concept.
My DSs1 and 4 were/are like this. DS4 is 22 months
If he is distracted then he will happily play away on his own or with his sibs.

As soon as I enter his sphere of awareness ie he sees/hears/remembers me, he cries unless picked up. He is also utterly intolerant of the sight of my back ie I cannot turn around and walk out of a room.

I, too, see it as a need of his and I try to respond to it. Sometimes with more patience than at other times, mind .

I take comfort from the fact that even DS1 aka DramaQueen and Screamer eventually grew out of it.
I find having him sit on the kitchen worktop next to me preparing dinner etc is helpful. I also have wee bowls of dry Cheerios all over the house which are deployed as bribery - hey, needs, must, and all that.

I keep telling myself that by the time he is 16, he will not want his old mother around all the time ....

I understand that this is an old thread, replying for the benefit of those who might be still reading it in 2018

I come from a society where all the children lived and looked after their parents when they get old, it is only in my generation that we moved to cities to earn n live in a nuclear family setting. In the city by ourselves DH goes to work and I look after my 18 month old daughter. She clings on to me throughout the day. When we go home for a holiday though to grandparents home in the country, she forgets all about us and explores the new place, interacts with granny, follows grandpa around, feeds the chickens and chases cats. Complete transformation.
I must mention that it is customary to say greetings
to whoever you meet on the way whether you know them or not. It seems my daughter picks on all these small differences and take less time to open up to people. Eversince our visit home she has become friendlier with people.

Also I've noticed that she's most clingy when there are just two of us in the house with all these toys around she does not explore but only cling on to me. When there are at least three adults home, she transforms, gets all excited and brings out all her toys and starts playing with the new guests. But with mother/ primary caregiver around .So clearly they pick on these small cues, they feel whatever we feel as adults, loneliness, boredom from the same routine.