dd is just 3 - dd2 arrived at the start of December but the behaviour I am describing predates that, although it has escalated since. The main thing is that despite consistency over, say, picking up the cat, she still keeps doing it. Same thing with numerous flashpoints - hair brushing, etc. She is (I think) perfectly intelligent (e.g. can follow quite complex instructions, makes perceptive observations), but seems incapable of doing as she is told. I often have to repeat things over and over to get her attention - I don't really know if I am worried about her as such, but she is behaving pretty badly at the moment and at the root of it is her inability to listen and do as she is told. I might add that she is apparently very well behaved at nursery, and is usually as good as gold when you take her out and about. Some of this is normal toddler stuff, but the inability to learn (or to really care if you are cross) does concern me.
I am feeling like a very frazzled and very bad parent at the moment, as I can't get a handle on what approach is needed and how to make her happier (well, lots of chocolate would make her happy, but that's not what I mean). She reacts very badly to being told 'no' as well, although I do this when required