Help! How on earth do you calm (or prevent!) tantrums in toddlers with barely any speech/understanding?

[fuzzpig]

DS (2.5) has a speech delay, I'd guess he has about 30 words or so. Lately he doesn't seem to understand much more than that either, although it's hard to tell TBH.

It is so much harder than it was with DD - she wasn't a great talker (unlike now...) but she still understood from a young age when we said No/Stop, and I could reason with her to some extent. All that Supernanny stuff - getting down on their level, clear consequences for bad behaviour etc - it worked for DD. Not a chance in hell of it working for DS though. He just screams and fights and nothing will calm him down except (a long) time.

I am going to ask for a hearing test in case that is causing a problem, but in the meantime, any advice please?

Anyone? :)

Hi fuzzpig

My DS2 is 2.4. His speech is a little ahead of your DS's (he has made a lot of progress in the last couple of months), but it's not great and certainly far behind my DS1 and DD at the same age. I also find the same as you - that he is more prone to tantrums than they were, and less easy to reason with.

Like you, I have a tendency to assume that his understanding is behind theirs, as well as his speech. However, I'm not sure that is true and I think it's something we need to be careful with, as you can end up excusing bad behaviour on the basis that 'he's too little to understand'. After all, even if his speech and understanding is poorer than theirs, and even if he has hearing problems (worth checking out of course), he should still understand the word 'NO', spoken clearly and accompanied by a shake of the head, shouldn't he?

My DS2 is fiercely independent, much more so than my elder two were. Often his tantrums occur because he wants to put on his coat by himself (or similar), and I'm too busy pulling it on him to realise that's what he wants. Because his speech is poor, I have to take the time to kneel down next to him and figure out what he is trying to tell me by a mixture of words and actions. He is very determined, but I definitely see an improvement in his behaviour if he feels I am trying to listen to him and communicate with him.

Different children do respond differently to discipline methods (eg some children respond better to a reward chart than the naughty step), so I think you can't assume that what worked for your DD will work for your DS. You may have to be creative in coming up with some new disciplining techniques and ideas. The golden rules stay the same though - stay calm, be consistent, follow through on warnings.

My DS2 is much harder work than DS1 or DD, so I do sympathise with you. I try to see his good points though - he is very affectionate and sociable - after all, it would be boring if they were all the same!

Hearing test definately a good idea if you think he is not understanding. Tantrums may be worse as he's in pain (eg ear infections) or because he can't communicate with you.

Ds is 18 months and has about half that number of words but can understand a lot more (eg will go and fetch x from another room). Tantrums I just treat as if he's got out of control emotions rather than bad behaviour as I think he's too young for acting up type tantrums. They are worse when tired or hungry or overstimulated (eg from christmas) so try and make sure he gets enough sleep, carry snacks everywhere and keep exciting stuff in short bursts.

When he does start to get narky, try and distract (with ds he likes to stamp on the floor, so I ask if he'd like to come over here and STAMP on bath mat etc - getting out of the bath is one of our problem points). If it gets full blown I try and reassure him and say what I think he is feeling, "You're angry because you wanted to play with that thing! I want it! I want it!" Weirdly seems to work a lot of the time. Otherwise just stay with him and reassure until it passes.

As I say this is what I do with him but until you find out what is going on with your ds, maybe best to treat him as a younger child? There is time for learning consequences when he is older.

Are you getting help with the speech delay? Maybe they have come across similar?

It was the same for me. Absolutely get hearing test though it was no use for us because it consisted of the audiologist trying to...... play a game with complex instructions - which of course DS2 didn't understand. She sent us out of the room saying ~"talk to him about what's going to happen next time" grrrrrrr.

Recommendations:
1 DVD: "teach me to listen and obey" available from website www.teachmetotalk.com. This is perfect for you - I'd buy both DVDs.

2 Hanen: "It Takes Two to Talk" available for £32 from Winslow publications. Will help you refine and redo your own techniques.

1. Get visual. I communicated things like what was going to happen next, the fact that something was not allowed right now, and critical things like "First X, then Y" etc,etc, through visual aids for a good two years. It saved my sanity and brought DS2's language on (they call it a visual "scaffold" for the child to climb up). Lots and lots of advice on this in my old posts on special needs. I was "linglette" and "backtolingle" for a while. If you aren't freaked out by books that mention (only mention) syndromes,etc. buy Linda Hodson's "Visual Strategies for Improving Communication" and Hanen's "More than Words" which shows you exactly why you use visuals and how. Essentially all the stuff they recommend for kids with ASD is also useful for kids with issues understanding language.

if you want to talk more shout and keep shouting adn I'll dig out some old threads for you.

good luck

Have you tried a social story? Google Carol Gray and social stories or more info.

I think there are four methods and you have to switch them around a bit depending on what has set them off and what kind of a tantrum they're having/ how far into the tantrum they've gone. Age and understanding also plays a part.

With mine (admittedly he's much younger, but boy can he throw a tantrum when he's in the wrong mood) i either:

Cuddle - if he's gone out of control and can't calm himself down effectively (i do this a lot because DS is only 14 months and so has no concept of bad behaviour or right and wrong. He just sees everything as his and it's unfair that mummy is taking something away or saying 'no')

Ignore - if there are no tears and he's clearly trying it on just because i said 'no' but he's not actually too bothered if i give him something else to distract him

Whisper to him - so he has to calm down enough to hear what i'm saying to him, which opens the door to either a cuddle or the following:

Act really silly to make him laugh instead - i do things like wear his nappy on my head or copy his tantrum (providing we're at home and not in public!) so i throw myself on the floor and kick my legs and arms around. This is a great one to do because humour is an excellent way of breaking down barriers and releasing your own stress too. A tantruming toddler is very stressful to you as well as them. I sound all hippy i know, but it does work providing he's not yet got into the 'out of control' phase.