5 year old ds who says he hates his 3yr old brother, please help

[tiger66]

My ds who started reception this year is constantly bossing his little brother around and being really unkind to him. They used to be so close and in the holidays get that closeness back but during school term time my eldest is so jealous that ds 2 (3) gets to be at home with me. He says horrid things that make me really upset. We have designated an extra half hour after ds2 has gone to bed where ds1 gets 1:1 quality time but he still continues. I don't know how to move forwards. Can anyone offer me any help?

Much appreciated if you can as it is making me upset by it and also really affecting ds relationship.

Ah, it's understandable. Tell him how much you both miss him and look forward to him coming home, and point out as often as you can the benefits of growing up - anything from fairground rides that the other one is still too small for, to drinking from a proper cup or watching certain favourite TV programmes because he's old enough now he goes to school. Remind him that his little brother will have to wait until he goes to school for these things.

If you haven't yet, can you start him on some pocket money? Now he's at school, he's old enough but his brother is too little to have cash.

When you collect him, try saying that his brother has missed him and can't wait to hug him after you've had your turn, rather than asking him to be nice to his brother. making a bit of a fuss of him when he gets out of school might help.

I have a friend who is having similar troubles with Her sons of the same age - so you are definitely not alone. My ds and dd (same ages as yours) thankfully haven't gone through this (yet) though my ds does tell me he wishes he has more "mummy days" like she does, and gets teary about it from time to time.

My guess is he's trying to assert his new "big boy" status in the family, and he's enjoying being top of the hierarchy, unlike in the playground where he's probably constantly battleing to get up there! maybe ask your eldest if he'd like to help ds2 understand what school is like, and get ds1 to play at being teacher, with you and ds2 his pupils? you and ds2 can raise your hands to answer his questions, and do what your told! ask ds1 to give you a P.E lesson, an art lesson (give hima whiteboards and pen to demonstrate) and read you a story and ask questions.

That sort of thing may help him understand that he can be "bossy" and "the big boy" without being horrid! Give him other responsibilities if he wants them "are you old enough to mash the potatoes? here's the masher and a cloth to hold the pan, put in a teaspoon of butter and pour in the jug of milk, cna you grind the pepper?" etc etc.

good luck - no answers... but it's just a phase and will pass!

My DS1 asked me why DD and DS2 are allowed to be at home with me while he has to go to school. I found that a really simple explanation helped 'when you were that age you didn't go to school; when they are your age they will go to school too'. Sorry if that sounds really obvious! I also sometimes talk about the future, when DS1 will be in year 4 and can look after his little sister in year 2 and brother in reception - he loves that idea!

You probably find the word 'hate' very emotional, because you picture them growing up hating each other, but don't take it to mean more than it really does. Kids throw around words like I love you and I hate you just to make an impact - he doesn't really mean it!

To quote my eldest when she was 4 years old.
"Why did you have to get DS1? Why couldn't we have a dog? I LIKE dogs!'

Summed my eldest two's relationship for years! They were fiercely jealous of each other and bickered a LOT. However when they were at school..oh that was different. If someone picked on DD1's little brother she was straight there to defend him!

Now they are older teens and as close as I could possibly wish for!
It will pass..honest!

Mine are 4.5 and 2 and the older one did the same when she started reception, saying she no longer likes her sister etc. I acknowledged what she said but usually did not answer or told her that it was a real shame because her sister really really likes her and is sad that she feels that way. I also made a big deal of telling dd1 that her sister really missed her terribly while she was at school. She hasn't said it again so far this term and maybe it was a reaction to being at school all day and every day and imagining her sister is getting preferential treatment by being with me/in nursery. I think the best thing is to say that yes, you hear what he says but not comment too much on it.

Today we had a better day. Last night I got to have an extra half hour with lots of cuddles and today my littlest was at nursery so after school we had 2 hours together. DS1 made DS 2 a present by choice and was excited about picking him up from nursery and they played nicely together.

Think the answer may all be in giving ds1 more 1:1 attention when possible. Thanks for all your advice. Very much appreciated