15.5month old cries and whinges ALL the time

[auburnlizzy78]

My DH and I are broken and miserable. It's been going on for months now. He has been constantly ill with colds, coughs, sore throats, hand foot and mouth etc since October. Illness itself not major but DS is a pretty grumpy patient. I think we have had about 14 days in 4 months where he has been completely 100% well. Also the big molars have been coming through and DS is a TERRIBLE teether. So that explains about half the problem I guess, but not all.....

We play with him, hang out in the playroom, give him nice healthy food, read to him, cuddle him (although he's not much of a cuddler - never has been). So why is it that EVERY day from the time he gets up to the time he goes to bed, even when fed, watered, dosed with painkillers when that's clearly been the issue, amused, well-rested etc he cries for at least a minute over something - usually not clear what - 10-20 times an hour? Only when it's just us. Nursery said recently they were "shocked" to hear him cry (he had a tummy bug). Never cries when with family, out at baby groups/with friends. Developmentally he seems normal, not walking unaided yet, babbling and pointing to communicate but not talking. Can be very cheerful and funny but those glorious moments are few and far between. WTF are we doing wrong? Surely this is not normal!

In case relevant - DH is SAHD/part time student, I work 3 days a week. DS goes to nursery which he loves 2 mornings a week - so he spends most of every day with one or both of us.

Oh this sounds so sad and frustrating. I hope someone can help with this. have you spoken to your health worker or doctor?

Have you tried one of you (you or DH) observing how the other of you and he are, when out and at home to see if there is some difference in the way either you react to him or he perceives his surroundings? Does he cry when out in the pram or just at home? And what kind of cry? Is it a pained cry or a bored cry?
Is he overstimulated by you and actually needs a bit of space? Or is there something in the house making him uncomfortable?
Maybe he's developed it as a way of getting your attention and you give the right kind of attention (to his eyes) when he cries? If that's the case (and you are SURE he's not in pain or really scared/ anxious about something) I'd work on positive reinforcement of non-crying. i.e. talk to him, make lots of eye contact, play etc like you do but if he cries (in an attention seeking way) look away and pretend to be doing something else until he stops, then make a fuss of him not crying.

I'm not judging you in any way if this sounds like I am. I can just see how unhappy you sound and hope I can suggest something to help.
Good luck.

Thank you - very helpful and will take on board. We have spoken to doctor who refers us back to HV. HV lovely but nothing much has helped so far.

I think the house is fine, not too hot or cold, clean, no pets...(but will bear in mind). I try not to be in his face too much and just sit in the playroom and interact when he comes to me - which is most of the time). He tends to be fine when out and about unless he is in the buggy too long. We go straight to him when he cries, comfort doesn't always help. Best method is distraction. Sometimes it looks like pain, or boredom, sometimes just a completely random tantrum.....but he is our first, so maybe we still don't have a clue about obvious things!

I read some good info about crying on www.attachmentparenting.org in the calming your baby/toddler section. hope it helps??

That does sound a lot. Ds is a couple of months older and he was very frustrated at that age not being able to communicate (although he had a couple of signs - milk! milk! milk! and also brushing teeth ). He has a few words now but the real lying on the floor writhing tantrums have started.

Its a tricky age (aren't they all) as they are growing out of the baby world but not really capable physically or mentally to do child stuff yet. Totally normal to be less whingy out of the house and with others ime. Its a good sign really that he trust you - like moaning to your mum or partner cos they know you best. And if you can't talk yet, crying / whinging is your only way to say "I'm having a cruddy day."

If you are distracting and giving meds when appropriate I can't really think of more you can do, sorry. Personally I wouldn't ignore tantrums at this age as I think they really are still too young to be manipulative, especially if ill he may just really need your comfort and reassurance.

Bit of music and dancing usually cheers up this house.

well... some children are just whingers and moaners... do you think he would fall into that category? My DS1 is but not my DS2.
DS1 shifted behaviour a few months before turning 3. he still tends to cry/whinge more, but at least it is manageable (it used to drive me insane).

if he doesnt cry/whinge when not with you and if you go to him everytime he whinges, then are you encouraging him to do so?
we did send DS1 to his room ( when he was older) everytime he was whingeing to teach him that it is not an acceptable behabiour.

having Ds2 made me realise that alot of it was just his personality and not my fault. i have two boys, 16 months gap, i did everything the same but one is super smiley, very outgoing and the other one tends to be on the grumpy/whiney side.

maybe you have a different problem, it is hard to tell, but i thought id share in case you do have the same Whingy DS.

My DS is 18 months. We had hand foot and mouth and spent Christmas and New Years popping three molars so I get it. You can't take it personally and you must get some breaks occasionally as it is hard work. They don't mean to miserable and it's not forever!

How difficult for all of you.

Round about that age my DD was ghastly. Turns out her shoes were too tight, her hair was in her eyes and she had a UTI and couldn't tell me any of these things! So do check the obvious stuff!

Unfortunately I think if he has been ill then you have to lap it up, the poor little mite. Then to start more of the not-dashing-to-him every time when you think he is physically in good shape. He is still very young so not to be treated in the same way as, say a 2.5 year old.

Great advice. Thanks very much everyone, and I will check out that link er1507.

Today we have what looks like the start of chicken pox, so maybe that's been the issue for a few days even when there was nothing to see and no temperature.... Can't believe he's ill so much but hopefully soon he will have had every virus in the world and be forever bulletproof!

Thank you for the point about him trusting us Albrecht. Makes me feel like maybe we're ok parents not shit ones.

Oh you don't sound like shit parents at all - you sound like you really love him and care for him.

Hope things improve and it really is that he has been ill and miserable for so long (and bloody chicken pox! after all that lot!) We had the same run - conjunctivitis, hand foot and mouth, chicken pox, stomach bug when my first started at nursery - all in 5 weeks! Hope things improve and he's not too ill with this one.