All my children are massively dependent and clingy, I don't know what I've done wrong :(

[itsonlyyearfour]

I have 4 children, aged 7, 5, 4 and 2. ALL of them are massively clingy to me and will not leave my side, they need me with them all the time. I am exhausted as I never get a second to myself and I am starting to feel extremely resentful and beginning to feel I don't enjoy my time with them anymore.

Example, my 7 year old will not even go to the toilet by herself, she needs me to go with her, she won't go to her bedroom she won't be in any room of the house without an adult with her, she won't practise anything or do any reading or homework without someone sat there for her and it goes on.

All the other children are the same - I thought they'd grow out of it but it's worse and worse. It's not like they don't get individual attention, they get loads because both DH and I work from home so when they come home from school/nursery etc we are always there for them, 1 adult to 2 children is not a bad ratio! Also we spend all the school holidays with them etc

Also the two younger ones get two full days a week in the week with me as I only work 3 days. But even then the 4 and 2 year old would not even let me go to the toilet without shouting for me, they will NEVER play on their own, not even for one second. Is this normal and if not what can I do?

With the 7 year old we've tried lots of things but nothing works and the 5 year old is the same. I just got to the point where I am starting to regret all the attention I have given them as I think it is backfiring, maybe they would have benefitted more if I had been out of the house a lot more and learned to be more independent?

One last point; it drives me even more nuts in the summer as we have a good sized garden but none of them will step in it unless I am there with them, despite it being enclosed so I could let them go without any supervision....

HELP PLEASE!!!!

What happens if you say no, as in I'm not coming to the toilet with you. What does your daughter do?

Just say no.

Me and DW also work at home and sometimes we have to order the DSs out into the garden to play. Children need to learn that sometimes their parents need time to themselves.

It is not being cruel. Just make an agreement with your DH and implement.

We try constantly with DD1 and then we end up being mean or threatening and then she will do it but not after a huge standoff. So it feels like I am either giving in or having fights with her - is it just them being naughty then? (I am talking about the older two at least!)

A friend has a similar problem with her children. I have observed though that she doesn't really set boundaries with them and stick to them. So, for example, if she were to go to the loo, rather than saying "No, mummy needs some privacy for a few minutes" and to shut the door, she will give in and let them her accompany her- so they always do. It's like she can't bear to ever see them upset so she always capitulates and lets them do as they wish. Sometimes you have to say "no" and mean it. They may cry or have a screaming tantrum but after a few episodes of this they will get the message. And it doesn't do they any favours in the long run to always do as they wish.

Now, of course, this might not be your situation, but I have observed this with my friend.

I think it's illuminating that you consider that you are being "mean" or "threatening". How so? Do you mean you won't just do as she wishes, or do you mean you say nasty things or threaten her in some other way?

Don't rise to it - just say no nicely and carry on with what you are doing. Don't give in and don't fight either. If she needs a wee, she will go to the toilet. I wouldn't call it naughty, but they have learnt that they either get lots of attention from you (by the argument) or what they want, which is your constant attention (by going with them).
I think you need to wean your kids off this gently. I find when I'm at home with my DD during the holidays for the first few days the more attention she has from me, the more she wants, but it does level out and she is actually very good at playing by herself.
Maybe it's worse because you have 4 kids and they are seeing each other as rivals for your attention.

Sometimes children compete for attention too. With 4 children that may well be the case. In our expereince, DS2 in particular played 'the baby' to get attention and demand the sort of supervision that a toddler needs even at age 7 in order to get us away from DS1 and monopolise us.

Children can be quite manipulative. Set boundaries. Agree with DH.

I think you probably have to have the fights to begin with, to set the boundaries. It might feel really mean at first but you have to start saying no to them - that you can't come up to the toilet/out in the garden - you've got other stuff to do (make something up if you have to!) so off they go. That's that. Your 7 year old must go to the toilet independently at school - and what about at friend's houses or when they have friends round.

Sounds like they're playing you - get a bit tougher and set some rules for the 7, 5 and 4 year olds at least about what they do on their own. Go for it!

My DS (23 MO) is like this, if he had his way we'd have never cut the umbilical cord!

The only successful strategy I have used is setting a time limit on how long he is going to be by himself (e.g. when I am cooking his tea). I'll show him the clock and where the big hand is, then show him where the big hand will be when tea is ready and I come to get him. He spent the first few sessions whinging and watching the clock, but it is starting to get better. It works particularly well if the big hand is going to end up on either 8 or 10 as these are his favourite numbers (!)

If it's a particularly bad day then I put an episode of Thomas the bloody Tank Engine on and he will watch that while i run around like a headless chicken making sandwiches.

This is really illuminating thanks. Weirdly we set boundaries for everything else but never for this particular thing as I always thought that children naturally as they grew older started to gain independence as opposed to it being "taught". Also, like others mentioned, I have always felt guilty about not giving enough attention to all 4 of them, so I guess this hasn't been something I have been very good at managing!

I feel this is particularly bad with my 7 year old as I end up spending loads of stuff doing things with her and my 5 year old then gets very little time. I think we have been soft with her as she says she is "scared" of being on her own but really there should be no reason for her to be scared and also like others said, she copes fine at school and at other people's houses so it's probably just an excuse!

I think DH and I are going to have to get tough and sort this out, thanks for the advice!!

Are you and your husband very confident types?

Hopefully all the :) :) :) :) will soften the words but I suspect that the problem is with you as opposed to the children. I mean, if one or two DC was like this then maybe one can argue that it comes from being the oldest/youngest etc but for all four .....

When they were young the children would wake up in the mornings and sometimes climb into bed with us. Sleeping with us overnight was never an option. If they woke up with a bad dream then we would stay with them in THEIR room until they fell asleep. I remember a mum saying that it was cruel of us to do that but then she was the one complaining that she rarely got uninterrupted sleep because the children keep coming to them in the middle of the night :)

From your post it is obvious that you are a caring and loving mum but some tough love is required here.

I am very confident although not in an "in your face" sort of way, my DH I would say I would say similar to me. I'd say none of the children is that confident and we don't really know why - although my DD1 is getting better now which is a huge relief!

I am going to be blunt, and I hope not brutal.

Refuse point blank to accompany your 7 and 5 year olds to the toilet. If they won't go alone, (and m,ake sure lights work etc) they will just have to sit and piddle themselves. Which I guarantee you they will not do.

I strongly suspect you are giving in to them, which is why they demand so much from you. If they demand that you accompany them to the garden, say no. If they continue, tell them to stop being such babies.

My Ds1, who has ASD, has been playing out safely in the garden since five. Your children are being silly, but only because you're allowing it.

What happens at school? If your older ones will happily go to the loo etc without you at school then I'm afriad it's something that you're going to have to go through a bit of pain through - parents do have to be 'mean' in the short term sometimes - when it's for the best in the long term.

Very old thread by now but jumping on on the off chance you still follow it to see if it ever improved? I have a 3 and 5 year old and am in a very similar situation