4 year old hitting

[tron]

My DS is 4 next week - he's been going to nursey for a year and goes to proper school next september. he just hits/pushes all the other children - you can't take you eyes off him. he knows it's wrong but does it any way. he can't control his temper and get very very cross with whoever is there. he is only like this in big groups - with one or two others children he is usually ok. is there anything wrong with him. we are expecting baby number 2 in may and i'm just in tears all the time about this. i even had to take him home from a party last week end cos he just couldn't stop pushing the others kids - what can i do???

first question... how long ago did the hitting start? before or after you got pg?

Maybe he just feels a bit insecure in bigger groups and tries to make up for it by being bolshy?

Sorry I don't have any real advise here, I'm currently struggling myself with 4y dd and 16.5m old ds having push-festivals... and 'mine' 'mine' 'mine'

he was pushing last year when he first started nursery, but then he really improved - even his teacher said so. I suppose it's only been since i got pg again and people started fussing (i was showing really early on). I suppose he could be a bit insecure - or attention seeking. I got home yesterday and he said he'd been really really really really really naughty in nursery, so he's knows it wrong. I'm just getting to my wits end and have no clue how to stop it - i was in tears again last night cos i was so frustrated - i don't want him to be seen as a bully that no one wants to play with cos on his own with 1 or 2 others he can be really good, sharing and everything!

hmmmm if he knows he's naughty then he's defo seeking attention.

Maybe try and schedule some 'special' time with him? I know it's hard especially when pg and probably tired as, but it might help?

When dd had a naughty phase - she was screaming, kicking and just being plain dificult but only at home! I just said 'this is making mama very very very sad' whic worked for a while. Then I had to use more drastic measures... basically if she misbehaved, even if kicking me, after first warning, I pretended she wasn't there saying to her brother 'hmmm Jessika's gone hiding again and a little monster is running round. We'll see when she returns'. As I completely blanked her (which she hates) it took effect just after a few times. I had to try hard though not to grin and/or loose my patience. It's amazing what they come up with to get your attention! And then when she 'reappeared' in a better mood I'd make a big fuss and we'd sit down and read a book or play hide and seek etc

ps dd is a ring-leader trouble when only a few kids. But in bigger groups she goes quiet

he's really good when it's just the 2 of us - we bake cakes and do colouring. i take him just for a ride on the train (we don't even get off, the conductor thinks i'm nuts!). He can play with just a couple of kids really nicely. I hope it is just a phase. he hates being ignored when he's naughty but i suppose it's difficult to do that in a school/nursery setting. I just don't know how to tackle it. He's been invited to a party on sunday and i'm dreading going - last time he jumped on a little girls head on the bouncy castle!

ouch... did he do it on purpose? bouncy castles can be a bit wild.

As for the party on Sunday... maybe have a little chat with him that if he wants to go he has to promise to try and be good. If he's not you will remove him from the party straight away... works wonders for dd... but every kid's different

well the other kids mum said he did cos he was laughing - i actually didn't see it - she was a bit of a drama queen, he always picks the whingers to wind up and annoy! He was bit shocked by the mums reaction though and cried all afternoon cos he missed the rest of the party. He was also very subdued -

I'm dreading going though even though it's not a soft play party this time - some of the other kids mums are really sympathetic though cos they've seen him playing in a smaller group when he's good but it's so embarrassing

I might have a chat with his nursery teacher on monday (not the nursery nurse as she only ever gives you the negatives and never sees positive in anything and rarely smiles) work out some kind of stratergy.

He always promises to be good but then seems to forget what being good is and get carried away. He promises every morning to be a good boy.

Tron, how did it go at the party? did he 'behave'?

Then stop using the word 'good' - use more specific words and phrases, 'be gentle, which means no pushing or hitting' or 'watch where you are landing' or 'be kind' and give very specific praise for those attributes when you see them. Talk to him about how he feels when he hits/pushes - about what makes him feel cross and what to do with the cross feelings when he has them - tell you, go and do something else etc. I'd combine that with pretty much zero tolerance for hitting. ie one hit and straight home.

I'm struggling with the same issue with my ds. He is horribly violent and agressive with me, kicks, hits, pushes if he doesn't get his own way.His dd is SN and cannot fight back, so he is used to getting his own way/choice a lot. He is great with one or two kids, but in a group sharing situation,where things don't go his way, he is awful. I have taken him home from many parties due to his violence and like you, fear that no one will want to play with the bully. Indeed, one mum at playgroup left a softplay centre when I arrived with my kids - ds was excited to see his friend, but she said that she didn't like ds's behaviour and promptly left! I have recently started allocating him toys per day in a clear box, with toys confiscated for a week for violence. I think it may just be working, as the confiscated toy pile is bigger than his pool of playable toys, and he is seeeing definite cause and effect. No constructive advice, just saw this and wanted to say - you are not alone!

I have a revolting 4 year old as well. I love him so much and it really upsets me to see him alienating all the kids who would like to be his friends. He is apparantly much nicer when I am not around so I think it may be attention related. He never hits at home because it would not be tolerated. I can't give him time out at pre school though. People are starting to exclude him from play dates because of his behaviour and frankly I don't blame them one bit. I have never smacked him but when he swings a book into a two year olds face I really want to so that he knows how it feels. He makes me feel like a bad parent.

He didn't go to the party - he caught a tummy bug and was throwing up all weekend (sounds awful, but what a relief) . He has had stickers for being well behaved in nursery but yesterday him and his supposed 'bestfriend' had a disagreement about whose turn it was on the bike - it was 6 and two 3's but DS decided to push his friend into the railings and so had to be taken in doors to calm down. The friend had a big bump on his head.
I thought we were getting somewhere - me and DH have been heaping on the positive praise just like super nanny etc say but it feels like we are back to square one again.

Hi tron,

I just want to let you know that you are not alone, I also have a 4 yr old boy with similar behaviour in school. I could actually say he is an angel at home, and he is also great in small groups.

I have found that a start chart works well, but then again there are times when I feel we are back to square one.

My next strategy is to get him more involved with his school friends out of school which I'm hoping will work, if not we are considering seeking professional advice, i.e. child physchologist.

I just want to say that I have had lots of help reading Raising Boys and The Secrets of Happy Children, written by Steve Biddulph.

In a way you find a way to understand why they might behave this way and that you are not a bad parent, for example it talks about boys having a high level of testosterone which can lead to aggression.

Good Luck.