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9 y.o daughter - tantrums worsening

21 replies

CarlWalterss · 25/01/2012 11:00

Hello,

I'm writing as a dad rather than a mum I'm afraid.

We're currently having major difficulties with our 9 year old daughter, Tilly.

Over the last 6 to 8 months her temper tantrums have been getting markedly worse.
She has always been quite strong willed, but recently it has been getting very
wearing. There are no behavioural issues at school, where she is bright and has
a close circle of good friends (all girls). However at home her behaviour
has deteriorated markefly. Very small things will set her off. Last night it
was a request to at least try some of the vegetables on her plate (she is
generally not too bad an eater and loves her fresh fruit, salads and meat). Her
initial refusal will not change, despite repeated requests. She will work
herself up into a state whereby she is completely unresponsive to reason. She
ends up sitting in the middle of the floor, shrieking and squealing. After being
taken to her room to calm down she will eventually do so, after 20-30 minutes.
These episodes are becoming more frequent, probably every week, and we are at
a loss as to how to proceed.

As far as we know she is not under any stress. She enjoys her extra-curricular
activities, Brownies, Piano (except for practicising scales), Ballet etc, There
was a brief period a few weeks ago when she thought her best friend was going
to change schools but that is no longer happening. As well as school homework,
which is generally one maths or english exercice a week, we are also working
through some preparation books for 11+, but she seems to enjoy these, more so than
school homework in fact. She also generally gets on well with her older brother,
Gus, who is 12.

Any advice would be very gratefully received.

OP posts:
StrandedBear · 25/01/2012 11:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

alison222 · 25/01/2012 11:12

I know its early but could it be hormones? I have heard the mums of the girls in DS class ( yr 6 now) complaining about tempers and tantrums for the last year or so - mainly connected with he onset of puberty as it later turns out to be.

titchy · 25/01/2012 11:13

Once a week isn't really that much tbh! Remain VERY calm and ignore ignore ignore.

Adn yes pick your battles! If she eats well normally and doesn't want to eat her veg occassionally it's not the end of the world.

Don't forget hormones are happening either!

CarlWalterss · 25/01/2012 12:32

thanks for all the replies so far :)

[StrandedBear] I agree tantrums at 9 are absolutely not on. Our usual course of action is to try reasoning, which usually doesn't work, then when she gets to the shrieking state then its time to put her in her room until she calms down and apologizes grudgingly.

[alison22] I hadn't even thought about hormones being a possible cause to be honest. Isn't 9 (and 4 months) a bit early?

[titchy] I know once a week doesn't sound too bad, but my concern is that it is increasing in frequency as she is getting older and not decreasing as I might expect. Ignoring is sometimes possible but not always, when you're trying to maintain a policy of eating as a family and the meal is being disrupted by shrieking an squealing :(. Again I hadn't even considered hormones as a factor.

OP posts:
alison222 · 25/01/2012 12:57

Yes it is a little early but looking but possible. I have a friend who has a child almost 10 (year 5) and apparently he has said that some of the conversations at school have been things like how many pubes various children have etc... typical boy fascination so don't know how true this is, but definitely my very nearly 9 year old is a little like this too with no obvious cause.
She stomped off the other day over not wanting to do something or other I had asked her to do. I found her sitting on the stairs sulking as I went up and told her to stop practicing acting like a sulky teenager as she had a few years before she got there. I got a sheepish grin - but she still sat there a bit longer....

StrandedBear · 25/01/2012 13:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CarlWalterss · 25/01/2012 13:59

Thanks again everyone.

[Strandedbear] We do indeed use sanctions, this usually loss of TV privileges. Earlier bedtime is also used when this happens, 20:30 is a typical bedtime but I know that she does like to read later than this. She generally eats well, breakfast, school dinner, afternoon snack/fruit and dinner as a family. No problems getting her to eat fruit/salad/meat. She drinks plenty of fluid (water except for fruit juice at breakfast time). Obviously if asked then she'd prefer more sweets, but doesn't often get them.

OP posts:
PushyDad · 25/01/2012 14:49

The school presumably have no complaints about her behaviour. There are no obvious stress-ers in her life. Sounds like she only wheels out the tantrums at home when mum or dad tells her to do something she doesn't want to do. This rules out any underlying personality problems.

At about 9 my son went through a period where is was mouthy and rude at home. We did what the experts tell us to do ie we tried to reason with him, explained that such behaviour was rude and disrepectful. It got us nowhere. After a while we cut out the bargaining/understanding stage and went straight to the Go to Your Room! stage. Got a few slammed doors which we didn't rise to. After a few months the problem resolved itself.

I don't profess to know what goes inside a child's head but in the case of my son the touchy feely kumbaya approach :) didnt work.

CarlWalterss · 25/01/2012 15:15

[PushyDad] No, no complaints at all from school and no obvious (to us) stress factors. In the case of your son was it him testing the boundaries of what was and wasn't acceptable behaviour?

OP posts:
PushyDad · 25/01/2012 15:24

Probably. In some perverse way he fed of us, trying to get a reaction off us. When all he got was Time Out in his room and no speeches or conjoling from us, he decided it was no longer 'fun' and stopped his anti social behaviour.

If there was some underlying behavioural problem then you would be getting phone calls from school. I suspect that the tantrums are directed at you for no reason that makes sense to someone 11 or older. So I wouldn't spend too much time agonising over what the root case may be.

If she wants to curl up on the kitchen floor and not eat her dinner I would just bin her dinner, leave her there and carry on.

exoticfruits · 25/01/2012 15:58

She is fine at school because she knows the boundaries. She is getting a huge amount of attention at home for negative behaviour, and upsetting the whole household for long periods of time.
With the meal I wouldn't fight. Serve the meal and she eats it or she doesn't. Take it away without comment if she doesn't eat it. Serve pudding and ditto. DO NOT GIVE ALTERNATIVES OR SNACKS. If she complains later that she is hungry just say , in mild surprise, 'well you would be, you didn't eat your dinner'. She will get the message in time. If pushed do my take, 'I shop, cook, serve up and clear away-it is up to you if you eat it-I have done my bit'.

I wouldn't even put her in her room, just walk around her and ignore totally. When she eventually stops ask her what it was about, what she hoped to achieve and suggest better ways for 9yr old to deal with it.

I would make sure that you give her attention when she is behaving well. Do something with her and make comments like 'this is so much better when we can enjoy each other's company'.

exoticfruits · 25/01/2012 15:59

Cross posted with Pushydad who was very sensible.

exoticfruits · 25/01/2012 16:02

Are you giving her some responsibility and independence? Let her cook the dinner with a bit of supervision sometimes.

exoticfruits · 25/01/2012 16:10

You could also discuss it with her afterwards and come up with some alternatives e.g. everyone gets frustrated sometimes-you could go off and thump a bean bag. Grin

LouMacca · 25/01/2012 16:14

Great advice exotic

OP we are going through a similar situation with our 9 year DD, infact I could have written your post!!

I have taken on board a lot of the advice you have been given. Hormones was actually my first thought and I'm convinced that's what it is.

newgirl · 25/01/2012 16:18

I have a 9 year old dd. It sounds like she is growing up and on this issue you are treating her like a baby and she is reacting with frustration. I agree giving her cooking to do, having more say in what is for tea etc - she's ready for more independence

pictish · 25/01/2012 16:19

Film her.
Let her see how ridiculous she looks.

Ask her if she'd like her friends to see it.

pictish · 25/01/2012 16:27

In what way is she being treated like a baby?

I don't think that urging your child to eat veg is babying them.

newgirl · 25/01/2012 18:16

I guess op been having the same veg convo since she was 2 the strategy isn't working. At 9 kids I know are cooking the dinner and it might help to re engage her - parents treat her like toddler and she's acting like one

CarlWalterss · 25/01/2012 21:05

[newgirl] I honestly don't understand how we are treating her like a baby, by asking her to at least try the food. Anyway I think you may be missing the point somewhat. The vegetables example was just that a single example. It certainly isn't always triggered by mealtimes and she hasn't been eating the same sort of food since she was 2.

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 27/01/2012 07:45

Don't ask her to try it-it gives attention to it. Take it away without comment if she doesn't eat it. Just don't serve anything else and don't discuss. She will get on and eat meals once she gets the message that you are 'not playing the game.'

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