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Original poster

Meeting with school nurse and dd's teacher.....

22 replies

katymac · 19/01/2006 13:45

I'm having a meeting with these 2 next week I've tried to write a bit about the situation....what do you think?

DD was being bullied both at home & at school. We discovered this last February, the child doing the bullying left our childminding and it was effectively dealt with at school.

A few weeks later another child at school bullied her again. This was when the bed-wetting started. This went on for some time with incidents like the ?brown XXXX? conversation happening. Around this time DD had diarrhoea for about 9 weeks ? the Doctor assured us that this had no medical basis, but was stress related or caused by an emotional problem.

It was suggested that home might be more ?fun? than school, I discussed that with her that evening I said "how wonderful and exciting it would be with her at home all summer as we could C/M together and she can play with the babies etc" she said "Mum, I don't want to upset you.... but.... school is more fun than home".

Her end of term report mentioned ?not badly behaved but seems to lack motivation? ?minor rebellious phases? ?erratic work? and that she is not ?enthuse(d)?.

Until recently whilst subdued at home she is relatively easy to cheer up and enjoys all the normal little girl activities, however both brownies and some adult leaders of youth club have expressed concerns.

I was concerned that she was participating in too many out of school activities so I reduced them.

She used to do:
Swimming two or three times a week
Dancing twice a week (plus at school)
Brownies
Youth Club
Piano Lessons
Gym club

This has reduced to:
Dancing
Brownies
Youth Club
Piano Lessons
Gym Club

I cannot reduce these classes further as she gets upset when I suggest it.

She attended an African Dance day in October half term ? which she loved. It was a session with 15 -20 girls which she went to by herself, without a suggestion of nervousness or problems with confidence. She has also attended private sailing lessons at Whittlingham Broad (one to one) without any problems.

At a party with DH?s family during the summer holiday ? she seemed surprised that there were so many ?beautiful brown? ladies and girls. She asked if ?brown? people were allowed to be beautiful, when reassured that they were she was shocked. She had a significant problem at the end of the last school year with body image and ?hated? her brown hair and skin. However due to this party, lots of work (scrap-booking) and discussing, along with an encouraging a positive self image. This does seem to be better at the moment.

I took her to the Indigo Dyslexia Centre to be checked. I was told she was not dyslexic (but had problems pronouncing some words ? apparently often due to reading (silently) above her age), but was extremely bright especially in Maths. A teacher who visits our house regularily has also told me this. She considers DD?s understanding of Maths and mathematical concepts to be excellent.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this I just wanted to write it all down & see what it looks like (and get other perspectives)

OP posts:
beasmum · 19/01/2006 14:43

Wow, she's lucky to have such a caring mum! She won't go far wrong because you are so sensitive to what she needs, so I wouldn't worry - what you've described here sounds like a girl who is happy for much of the time. How old is she?

The school remarks sound not too terrible - and lots of kids aren't enthused by school!

Even if she is a much older child she is still doing lots of activities. I know you say she is upset if you suggest cutting any more down but I think if you strongly feel this will help then go for it and get her to prioritise with you what she absolutely can't bear to stop. She loved the African dance so much, are there any regular classes locally? Maybe she could do that instead of a couple of other activities, because the lift in her self esteem from it will bring dividends as you've already found.

On the self esteem thing, if she is an older child how about grooming/pamper sessions with you at a local beautician or nail bar or something? It's one on one time with you and celebrating the fact that brown people ARE beautiful (bless her!)!!

What do you think of these thoughts??

rummum · 19/01/2006 15:05

Katymac.... What do you want the school to do??

Elibean · 19/01/2006 16:04

She sounds lovely, and so does her Mum. Just occurred to me, if she's very bright, could she be bored at school? And hence needing/wanting a lot of extra activities, too?

Also wondered whether, now the bullying has stopped and it feels 'safe' to feel what it was like (IYSWIM), she is just bound to have a sort of after-effect at school in particular...bit like bereavement having stages after the event. Sorry, rushing and not expressing myself well - just wanted to answer in case no time later!

Original poster
katymac · 19/01/2006 20:50

She has taken much more interest in her appearance over the last few months and she got lots of scarves, belts, hair stuff etc for her birthday in Nov - she was dry for over 4 weeks then on the last Friday of school "something" happened and she started wetting again.

Sha also had a spa day at my mums last weekend (with 2 of her friends)

She has started modern dance (waiting to see if she enjoys it) - she's 8 btw

I want the school to accept that she doesn't want to be there and maybe give her extra work or different work - as I do think she is bright and bored

Thank you all for your comments - it's nice to get other views

OP posts:
Icemum · 19/01/2006 21:07

Hi Katy,

It is just a thought but does your DD need to be doing/learning something all the time and if so is this reflected in the work she is set at school?. It could be that your DD is one of the gifted and talented ones and if the school isn't picking up on this (which they should) then she is going to be bored at school with all the associated problems that go with it.

Original poster
katymac · 19/01/2006 21:23

Well that's what I think

But the school don't agree - apparently her work is barely adequate

OP posts:
Original poster
katymac · 19/01/2006 21:38

She stops wetting during all school holidays too

It's so frustrating

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batters · 19/01/2006 22:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
katymac · 19/01/2006 22:38

Thanks Batters - they won't accept the Dyslexia thing (I paid for it so it's biased)

They keep insisting that she is "average, coping and her work is adequate"

But last week she did a piece of work which was so good it went on the "golden wall" and she got a certificate of outstanding achievment - which pisses the life out of me as she does much better work at home but won't let me show the school

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Original poster
katymac · 19/01/2006 22:39

I'm hoping that we will get a referral to the family support team

Failing that I'm going to move her to a new school in September

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Blu · 19/01/2006 22:48

katymac - this does sound very upsetting for all of you.

Am I right in thinking that her Dad is black? What is her relationship like with him? Could he do more one to one activities with her? Does she have any other black friends? (I think you live in Norfolk?).
Some of the things you have said do make me think that she does increase her confidence when she has support for her colour - the party with DH's relatives, etc.

I'm not saying it is ALL about this, but it does sound like a significant factor.

Bring her to a London meet-up, and maybe she could develop a pen-friend!

Original poster
katymac · 19/01/2006 22:57

Am I right in thinking that her Dad is black? - YEP he is Jamaican

What is her relationship like with him? Great - however she is realising that she is brighter than he is (which is kinda sad)

Could he do more one to one activities with her? They do lots of stuff together and he does most of the running round with her - for her clubs etc

Does she have any other black friends? No - and I can't ring round asking for mixed race children - we are in Norfolk

Some of the things you have said do make me think that she does increase her confidence when she has support for her colour - the party with DH's relatives, etc. YEP - again I agree and I am hoping/wishing that the other (larger) school might be (slightly)more multicultural

I'm not saying it is ALL about this, but it does sound like a significant factor.

Bring her to a London meet-up, and maybe she could develop a pen-friend! She has several thanks

OP posts:
batters · 20/01/2006 08:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bobbybobbobbingalong · 20/01/2006 08:35

When I read your post - my first thought was "bored at school".

Then I reread the bit about barely adequate.

Pop-pyschology. I think she is bright, but doesn't think she is entitled to be (worries about brown skin and appearance were a flag for me) and so makes no attempt to stand out and ends up barely existing, gets a average/poor mark. Bizarrly she has succeeded in getting the feedback she wanted (average mark) but is almost surprised still because she does know somewhere deep down that she is bright.

Did any of that make sense?

Original poster
katymac · 20/01/2006 18:53

I think I understand what you mean

She doesn't expect to get high marks
She is surprised she gets average marks because she knows she can do better?

Or did I get that wrong?

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Icemum · 21/01/2006 14:27

Katy, i have minded a G & T child and also have a G & T daughter myself,the sign that really points them out is their ability to tailor their work so that they get the results that they want, i.e they will work to get an average mark so that they don't stand out from the rest of the peer group. Do you think that this is what your DD is doing? By the way we ha no idea that our DD was G&T until the special needs co-orinator pointed this out.

Elibean · 21/01/2006 15:04

Katymac, I remember trying not to do too well at school because it made me less popular. It wasn't a very conscious thing, but I know I did it. So its very possible that your dd is doing all she can to 'fit in', which would also make sense in relation to her lack of confidence re colour. I wish I had some brilliant ideas for tackling this, other than moving schools, but clearly, in terms of brightness...I peaked early.

Have you had a look at the other possible school, at all?

Elibean · 21/01/2006 15:05

meaning, 'getting high marks was unpopular'

PrettyCandles · 21/01/2006 17:56

I came across a card for this today, and it reminded me of this thread. It's a film festival, but also has workshops for children.

Hope it's of some help.

Original poster
katymac · 21/01/2006 20:32

Thanks for all this support ladies

Of course there is the significant possibility that I totally wrong - and that DD is barely average and not bright at all

I don't know if I need to put extra stuff into my list (not to read out but to jog my memory(

OP posts:
Original poster
katymac · 22/01/2006 19:54

My dad thinks I should just pay and go and see an educational psychologist

But I'm not sure

We think she is bright & bored - what if the Ed Psy finds something else or just doesn't agree with us?

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Original poster
katymac · 22/01/2006 21:36

If I do this

  1. How do I find an Educational Psychologist
  2. How much will it cost
  3. Is there likely to be a waiting list even privatly

TIA

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