The school has told me my daughter is rude :o(

[CorduroyAngel]

My 8 year old daughter came out of school today in tears saying that one of the female teachers had shouted at her and thrown her coat at her. On approaching the woman in question I was told by both her and a male teacher that my daughter is rude and chooses which teachers to respond to. Apparently she would not listen to instructions and was 'messing around' with her best friend in the changing rooms after swimming. The teacher said she had had enough and shouted at them. She denied throwing my child's coat at her. Now my little girl has always been rather shy and has suffered damage to her self esteem when I had post natal depression and was very stressed out and short tempered myself. She frequently seems to ignore my requests and finds it difficult to make eye contact with people sometimes. Her rudeness is my fault, and they clearly think so, too. The trouble is, I'm not sure how to correct things - what can I do now to prevent further difficulties for her in the future? I get the feeling that some of the teachers in her school just do not like her. Anyone else had this problem and found a way of dealing with it? I find it so hard to get through to her sometimes...

If it wereme, i would make an appointment to sit down with the teacher to agree a plan of action for your daughter.

My child is 8, i suffered PND but would not think that being rude to adults has anything to do with that tbh. Was your PND with your daughter or with a subsequent child?

It needs to be clrified and a solution sought but not for you to try to do alone.
Usually i would say what happens at school is dealt with at school, but clearly you too are having similar problems at home.
hth

Is it rudeness? Is she deliberately ignoring you/staff? Is it shyness? Hearing? Problems with attention span?
Being rude once does not make her a rude child! She needs to learn what is/is not OK. If she is so difficult why have they not contacted you before?

I agree, you definitely need to meet with her class teacher. It's too easy to "blame the parents" and try not to spend time negatively blaming yourself either, get on the case to make some positive changes. "Rude" is a big word, but also hides many different meanings, for an 8 yr old child it's obviously not just as simple as being 'rude' in the same way an adult would be. Her teachers should really be able to articulate this better, surely they know more about child development. I'

(sorry) I would work with the school, your daughter and at home to start tackling the problem. Best of luck with it.

Given the poor state of moral in teaching and the number of incompetent teachers in the profession, it may be far more to do with the teacher than with your child.

It shocks me how poor the teaching is in this country sometimes.

Assuming there's no underlying problem;
When she ignores you, how do you deal with it?

Of she is shy, the that can sometimes look like arrogance (this coming from a very shy person).

You need to sit her down and explain how sometimes, people can come across in the 'wrong' way. Get her to practise making eye contact - shops, bus driver, etc, and saying 'good morning, thank you, nice day isn't it? Etc. When you go to the shops, ask her to ask an assistant a question (obviously when you are close by) so it could be - have they got xx brand of biscuits or where's the sugar? Reward her for positive behaviour.

I would speak to the teacher and try to see if this was a one off (ie kids messing about and teacher having a bad day) or if there is something you need to address.

Does she do any drama, dance, etc outside of school? Something that she gets involved in where she is 'on show' can help the shyness.

for SoloD
Doesn't sound like a hearing problem if she communicates with friends.
The child was messing about.She wasn't doing as she was asked. She ignored instructions.She was holding up the rest of the class. This would be perceived as rude by most people.I think you need to work with the school and your DD.She needs to know that you and the school are working together.

I don't deal so much with children, but I was once told to "get rid of" an employee by any means. I did not like this so chose to work more closely and manage that person, it worked, they did will and no one talked about getting rid of them. I think sometimes it is far easier to blame some one else rather than admit you can't manage.

Learn this line "we are so concerned to hear about ... Please can you tell me what you are doing to help dd with this problem so that we can support as much as we can". Of course parents have a role but insist the school takes the lead.

Of course parents have a role but insist the school takes the lead.

IF and I mean if there is a problem with the child being rude why should the school take the lead? surely it's a parents responsibility to teach their child manners?

Thank you so much, everyone, for taking the time to think about this and reply to my post. I have had trouble with my daughter since her little brother was born (she was 15 months old) and I think some of it is carrying out the learned mothering that I received. We all end up auto-parenting in the style of our own parents and when that parenting was poor it sadly becomes a problem for the following generation :o( Her hearing is fine, in fact her previous class teacher gave us glowing reports of her behaviour saying he wished all his pupils were like her, so I think she does respond to a kind approach. I think she just switches off when a teacher takes a hard, 'shouty' line with her and this was a teacher who takes them for swimming. We at home tend to get very frustrated and lose our tempers when she misbehaves. Not great, and I hate myself for doing it, but try to give her all the love and encouragement I can otherwise. With reference to the poor standard of teaching, I have had to approach the head teacher about this just before Christmas as staff absences are high and she appears to be losing interest. She's a bright kid and needs challenging and it seems they're only interested in helping the averagely able. I'm possibly unpopular for making waves!

I agree, it is foremost the parent's responsibility to teach manners, and this should be reinforced at school. What concerns me is that the teachers are not dealing with her behaviour in a positive manner, they're merely echoing my own mistakes!

8 year olds are a pain, and often testing and appear rude and aloft. You need to make it clear this behaviour is not on, and work with the school.
She got told off for not doing as she's told, she needs to learn and hopefully the teacher can work with you to ensure her behaviour improves.

No one warns you about 8 year olds.
They tell you about newborns and the terrible twos and teenagers but they dont mention 8 year olds!

I think it is a very difficult age, particularly for girls.
They get lippy and moody and push their luck.

Its like they know they shouldnt say it but they just cant help themselves.
Ditto eyerolling and huffing.

My DD was a lovely girl and didnt give me any trouble apart from a brief period of horror when she hit that horrible age.

I remember being 8 and suprising myself at the stuff that came out of my mouth.

I don't mean that you should abdicate all responsibility for your dd's rudeness. However, I'm a teacher and if a child is rude to me, I take at least some responsibility for helping them not to be. So the school needs a strategy for helping when she's at school. If you are both taking the same approach and you're not blaming the school nor they you (and incidentally not blaming yourself would really help you too) then you're more likely to move forward.

I know I'm a little late with this response, but I think it's an important angle to think about: maybe she's different and the staff don't know how to handle her.

When I was little I asked a lot of questions and spoke up if I thought something was wrong. The teachers told my parents I 'needed to be taken down a peg or two'. I really, really didn't. I was just direct- more direct than they were used to a child being. I was always polite, but they didn't like being addressed by a child that way- it made them uncomfortable. They felt I was insubordinate and challenging their authority. I think this suggests that they were insecure and inwardly worried about their status. Like you say, I had teachers who thought I was lovely, but that's because they were solid enough to remain the adult in the scenario instead of allowing themselves to behave towards a child as another child would or as a parent (transactional analysis- a useful thing to know about if you don't already). Unfortunately the teachers I had the most trouble with were games/sports teachers who tended to favour the sporty and popular kids (and wanted to be popular with those children too) I don't know how relevant that is to you. Throwing your daughter's coat at her is not appropriate adult behaviour and that's what set alarm bells off in my head.

Apologies if my subtext is becoming text; all I know is that my mum and dad have always regretted listening to those teachers. They wish that they'd had more faith in me and indeed in their own instincts and spoken up. Instead I was systematically undermined at school by adults I should have been able to rely on and trust and look to for a balanced example. It damaged my self esteem a great deal.

Teachers a human too- and are therefore equally capable of being wonderful or fallible. And just because they are doing a bloody tough job, it doesn't mean they should be above reproach.

I would look a little further into things: it may be that your daughter isn't as firmly in the wrong as it at first seems.

All the best.