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Baby Bonding and Attachment

17 replies

Spike09 · 23/01/2012 15:02

Hi everyone, I just read this article on 'attachment' and as a social worker think that it is really useful stuff - does anyone else have any more information as I would love to know more but don't know where to start looking!!!!

funkygiraffebibs.co.uk/secure-attachment/blog_22.html

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Spike09 · 23/01/2012 15:04

Sorry - forgot to mention that I am a mum of one also, and a working parent whose son had to be in child care from aged 4!! But work with lots of parents with kids of all ages now!

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EBDteacher · 23/01/2012 16:02

It's a bit of a worry to me that attachment theory is new to you as a scoial worker. Is there really nothing about it in the social work qualifications? (Not having a go at you BTW, just Hmm that it isn't part of a social worker's basic training).

Loads on Amazon

Spike09 · 23/01/2012 16:40

Yes - but only in a very loose form, social workers are taught about Bowlby etc but sadly not the real nitty gritty whys and wherefors that this article is presenting- there is just so much to cover I suppose :(

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Wigeon · 23/01/2012 17:10

Some very accessible stuff on attachment theory here too.

EBDteacher · 23/01/2012 18:02

You are right, the neuroscience is facinating.

What about this book?

EBDteacher · 23/01/2012 18:06

Would be good if I could spell fascinating!

Also here is a free review on the subject from pubmed:

Pubmed

er1507 · 23/01/2012 22:52

what a great little piece, I actually bought bibs off those guys before Xmas lol.

HappyJoyful · 24/01/2012 15:58

I find this subject facinating too as have a very dear friend who is loosely following some of the principles of attachment parenting - child of almost 3 co-sleeps, extended bf, she and her husband are the childs only caregivers, she's never been left with other family members or friends for more than a few hours.. managed 20 minutes at a local nursery and was beside herself so they took her out.. I struggle massively to see the benefits and whilst don't not respect my friends choice of parenting it does make it difficult to spend time with her and an incredibly demanding child, I think also my biggest anxiety is I don't see any benefits to the child.

I find the statement below from the article to be absolutely contradictory to the child I see. I'm curious, perhaps in the long run she will benefit and yes she might be more 'mature' in some ways - but is that always a good thing ? and she is certainly bossy and attention seeking during conversations. However, right now the child can only be described as lacking in confidence, un-trustworthy of everyone, limited abilty to play with others and is lacks in general social skills.. obviously some is nature (shy child) etc etc but curious to know if others think some of it is to do with the style of parenting ?

"Children who are able to develop a ?Secure? attachment with their caregivers are likely to me more empathetic, play better with others, they are likely to be less aggressive, less disruptive and more mature than children with a less positive attachment. Adults who have secure attachments in their early years tend to find it far easier to develop trusting, long-term relationships with others. They are also more likely to have higher self-confidence and self-esteem, are able to develop supportive relationships with others and share their feelings and emotions"

Really interested to hear what others think or have experienced..

Spike09 · 24/01/2012 18:42

I think that 'attachment parenting' is more than just being available for your child's every whim 24/7 Wink . A child without boundaries will not be happy or secure, if this little one is calling all the shots - that surely isn't attachment parenting - which is about being able to meet a child's needs in an emotionally responsive way - that includes their need for good routines and boundaries!

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Loopymumsy · 24/01/2012 18:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EBDteacher · 24/01/2012 19:18

What Spike09 said.

AnaisB · 24/01/2012 20:01

Attachment theory is long established and well researched. It is not the same as attachment parenting. Children's attachment style probably has more to do with their primary caregivers' attachment style than any school of parenting that they decide to follow.

MrsJamin · 24/01/2012 20:09

What AnaisB said. Attachment parenting has no research basis but attachment theory has been solidly built upon since the 1950s.

I think AP is pretty silly to be honest. What is important is to be a consistent, responsive, loving parent who becomes the starting point for security, and that the safe environment that the parent provides for the child widens as the child grows, so there is a constant flux between the "I want to be with you" and "I want to experience the world". AP seems to say "I am your world until I am ready for you to leave", and seems pretty claustrophobic. DS1 was utterly independent and I call DS2 my shadow or limpet, one parenting technique would have not worked for both!

SoloD · 25/01/2012 22:50

HappyJoyful
From my own experience of a (fairly) attachment based parenting approach is to give support to my child but within boundaries.

While I may give him a choice with food, it is a choice of 2 things, and if he wants neither there is no other choices offered. Brushing teeth is non negotiable. When we have given in it breaks down but a consistent approach works well.

When it came to nursery, my son howled the first time I left him, but we picked nursery with exceptional staff, who picked him up hugged him and gave him the love and support that he needed, within one week he was happy and looking forward to going. It was interesting to watch today as my 3 1/2 YO was playing with a 4 year old German boy in the park how well they were able to communicate whilst neither spoke the language of the other.

Fundermentally my experience is simply that, it proves very little, But to me giving more love, more hugs and kisses, more talking, more support makes sense. But within consistent boundaries

Sparklyboots · 26/01/2012 01:10

I like AP because it articulates alternatives to sleep training, questions commonly held assumptions about how babies are manipulating their caregivers into picking them up and generally encourages parents to follow their instincts. It has not been my experience that AP = "I am your world until you are ready to leave" - that would seem to me to be indicating that the parent has some sort of unresolved issue and is naming a parenting ethos to explain away the way that that is affecting their relationship.

I think that there is overlap between attachment theory and attachment parenting insofar as there is common concern for the child's need not to be refused attachment or comfort in order to teach 'independence' or 'self-settling' etc. But I also think that it would be possible to practice co-sleeping and baby-wearing (both central AP practices) without fostering attachment in the way that attachment theory might suggest is important. For example, adults who are not very good at regulating their own frustrations or who are conflict-averse may well struggle effectively to contain a child's frustrations whether or not they are baby-wearing or co-sleeping.

At the same time, no part of baby-wearing/ co-sleeping implies that a child should be raised without effective emotional boundaries. I think that this is a misapprehension which occurs because there is a tendency in APers to offer comfort when a child experiences disappointment, rage, frustration, upset etc. when those boundaries are reached. But sympathising with a child who is hugely frustrated when they have something they want taken off them (mobile phone, anyone?) is not the same as giving them the item back or offering an equally valued item to placate the child. But sympathy in this context and helping the child to become soothed and calm again would make the care-giver a reliable partner and so therefore would foster good attachment.

Spike09 · 26/01/2012 19:29

Thanks EBDteacher - bought it!! It is fantastic :-) Have recently become a big Dan Hughes fan too, he makes SUCH sense!!

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Spike09 · 01/02/2012 20:11

Does anyone have a view on co sleeping?

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