Play group etiquette

[RebeccaDanvers]

Took DD, 21 months, to a playgroup the other day.

I noticed a boy of about 2 shove her once, then twice, and then later on he pushed her to the ground and she cried. I also saw him pushing other children around.

His mother was there and supervising her baby, but when she noticed him pushing the children, she seemed embarrassed and told him off. (She didn't see him push DD over).

Was talking to DH later who said he'd have had a word with the mother, saying something along the lines of "he's done it several times now, you either need to teach him to behave better or remove him from the situation".

Personally, I hate confrontation so would be less likely to say anything - but of course I still feel awful for DD as I don't want her pushed around - she's a friendly little girl who just wants to play with the other children.

So what I'm asking in a long-winded way is what IS the best way to respond in this sort of situation? Should you confront the parent or just accept that some children behave like this, and will hopefully grow out of it?

Thanks in advance.

I would just say 'be careful of Lucy' to him. And if he did it again I would say 'no. Dont push Lucy.'

It could be a phase. Both of my dd's went through a hitting phase lasting a couple of weeks. It was mortifying.

God no, you couldn't possibly tell her to remove him. Kids push. Yes, he should be corrected but if the lady has a baby as well then it's hard. I would just tell him 'no' and move my child away. The mother will need support and understanding, not someone telling her to remove her child.

Definitely don't confront the mother, it will only end badly. I'd stick next to my child so I could a) lead them out of the way of the boisterous child, and b) defend my child should I need to. If it happens a few times I Wouk say it loudly so the mother would hear. You've got to have some sympathy for the mother, in that she's got to entertain a toddler whilst holding a baby and a playgroup is a perfect place for this. Also the boy may be adjusting to having a new sibling and being aggressive because of that. It's tricky keeping tabs on two, too.

it's very difficult to judge ages

I would accept that some children push, don't ''have a go'' at the mum, as savoy says, it's a stage; feel free to say to him careful, or gentle, as you would to any child

let's hope DD doesn't develop biting tendencies, eh

I agree with savoy and fish. The mum has shown she knows it's happening and has told off appropriately, so at least she's not one of those ignorers. The little brat boy is likely to be really acting up after arrival of baby in the family and driving his poor mum mad.

At least when she did notice she said something. I keep hearing on here about mothers who do nothing to correct bad behaviour so it's a change for the better. I'm willing to bet if she's embarrass

Arghhhh ! Bfing baby and hit send too soon!

If she's embarrassed by him she'll remove him without being asked to if he does it too often. I know when my DD was like this I would just pick her up and say my goodbyes, never mind all the screams and sorrys.

She hasn't done it for a while now.

It's a tricky one. Having been in similar situations myself, I know how anxious it can make you feel when your toddler gets shoved by slightly bigger children at playgroups and soft play, especially if s/he is your first child.

But with the benefit of hindsight, I also think that it would be terribly hard for another mum/dad if someone told them 'how to' raise their own kid. This mum had the good grace to look embarrassed and tell off her DS. She knows that he's been a bit of brat handful, but is probably finding it hard to watch him like a hawk if she has a younger child to watch too.

Perhaps you need to be extra vigilant with your DD (assuming you're not supervising a younger child too), be prepared to - in a smiling, but firm way - intervene if the other child 'bumps into' your DD. Unfortunately there are those little kids who do seem to deliberately hit or push other kids, and everyone knows who they are. It's a tough one, but criticising them to their parents' face can sometimes have devastating effects on the parents. I knew a mum who felt very isolated when someone made it clear to her that her DS had a reputation (at 2!!) for hitting. Sometimes the kids' aggressive behaviour can be as puzzling to their own parents as it is to you. (That said, if the parents are too busy reading the newspaper or seem to find it amusing, then I would have less of a problem saying something.)

In a couple of years time, your DD will probably be the 'big' 4 y.o. who occasionally careers around the soft play whilst other mums hold their breaths.

My view is that patents should be vigilant if their children are pushing/hitting etc but that if an appropriate response is made then that is part and parcel of toddler group life. Also, much as it can seem hard to believe if your child has always been gentle, at some point you may have things you would like patience and understanding of. Toddler groups are less formally structured than Pre schools and although you might approach the leader if you are really unhappy, generally children wouldn't be asked to leave.

Oh, and having had a child who has been the aggressor, I have actually sometimes left groups for the session or for a few weeks if vigilance wasn't enough. I have also been very grateful to those who, having seen me remove ds from play, get him to say sorry and then apologise myself to the parent, have been kind and understanding to me and not made me feel a failure.

I agree with the others. It sounds like she is making some effort to deal with his behaviour and tbh I think that if you start offering her unsolicited parenting advice you you will look horrible and will have done nothing to help the situation.

Thanks for the responses everyone - as I said before I don't like confrontation so would not naturally say anything, especially as the mother was telling her child off anyway; but I didn't want to feel guilty on DDs behalf for not doing anything when she was being pushed around.

I agree it would not help the situation to have a go at another mother, and yes, I have a second baby too so will find out for myself how hard watching two can be! (DD2 was asleep at the time!) I think DH is just being a bit over-protective!

Thanks again.

I don't mind if people come up and say "I'm sorry to bring this up, but your son just pushed my DD over"; that is fine. I want my child to apologise & face up & learn to do better.

I would resent it hugely if someone said "If you can't control your child he has to leave" which is the gist of the suggestion of OP's DH.

So there are good and bad ways to say something.

Not saying you did this, OP, but one time I was supervising DS closely in an overcrowded group, he was at my elbow (literally) but I was distracted for 20 seconds by another chatty tot, when he pushed a little girl over. The mother instantly hissed in my ear "Watch your child!": yet I could not have done more than I already was; I was not physically capable of closer supervision. What's more, the little girl had reversed a toycar into DS and all he really did was push back! I note that mother even now just doesn't see the provocative behaviour her own child gets up to (sigh).

Hmm when your DD is 2 remember this thread

2.5yo PlanetP, 2.5yo boys are nearly all thugs at heart ime.

Do not do as your dh says.

He obviously has never had to look after a baby and a toddler.

I was in exactly the same position as the mum you describe. I had a baby and a toddler under 2. She used to push at toddlers it was awful. I contemplated not going, in fact I contemplated not leaving the bloody house at all! My friends convinced me otherwise.
Why don't you engage with this other child and sit and allow him to play with your dd?He is crying out for attention, that is all.

As planetpotty says one day your dd will be 2 and wont stay perfect for ever!!!

Also my dd looked much older than she was and was very advanced for her age (aren't they all!) she could talk fluently at this age so probably seemed older to other parents.
She is now 15 and totally fine so it will be just a stage that the little boy is going through.

Ragged: 2.5yo PlanetP, 2.5yo boys are nearly all thugs at heart ime.

What utter stereotypical rubbish! I've seen just as many girls push Holden over at playgroup and DS1 is a kind hearted soul who is not a thug at heart, thank you very much.

Maybe it should be 2.5 yo are all thugs. Although my DS was more Kamikaze, he used to like to put his head on the bottom of the slide at toddlers.

Push holden? Sorry iPhone being crap. Push children.

Have to disagree that all Children are thugs at 2.5 but the majority of them have grown out of it by 4.

Of course 2.5 yr olds are not thugs-they are little more than babies! 2.5 girls can be just as bad!
Just supervise your DD and have a quiet word with the DS if he gets too boisterous.

As a toddler group leader I would never ever ask a parent to remove their child. Like has been metioned above the parent may remove herself as she was embarassed.

If you are really agitated by the child's behaviour have a word with the leader. Personally, I am very aware of all the children's behaviour in my group. If necessary I will hovver round pushing children and step in, but only if absolutely necessary. The leader may not be aware, but mention it to her, rather than the mother.

MrsJamin,was just thinking what an unusual name was Holden!!