Advice Please - 6 year old behaviour

[CatDim]

Please anyone with some advice would be greatly appreciated!!

My DS will be 6 this week, we have been having problems since he started school with his behaviour, they kept saying its an attention and age thing. He throws tempertanturms when he isn't happy such as not wanting to try something new. He is above average ability and the teacher is sure it is for attention. He is a very loving and well mannered child; but he just has these tempertanturms and can be very silly at times such as throwing food or being silly and mucking about. I have come to the end of my tether now, I don't know what do to with him the school are moaning about the behaviour but yet I can't see what I can do when he only does it for them.

Yes he is naughty for me but not in such as away that is disruptive to everyone else so I mange it with time out and a reward chart which works fine at home. I Just don't know what to do, to help thing improve else where. Sorry for the rant I just feel like I am going round in circles at the moment

OMG - I weas just about to post about my ds 5 yrs. I find his behaviour exasperating to say the least. He seems extremely highly strung at times and his reaction to certain situations is off the scale in proportion to what is happening iyseim. If you don;t understand what he means first time, or if the game is not going in his favour, or if the tc channel gets changed by mistake because a cat has walked over the remote etc etc, he getss so wired. To be honest I am not enjoying parenting him because of this. I have said some thing to him to calmy try to retrieve the situation but often end up telling him that I cannot cope with this behaviour any more and that I will have to cal the police/his teacher/the doctor etc. to see if they can calm him down. It really does wind me up chornically and i feel completey drained on occasion. I told him today that he is taking the joy out of my life because of it. I mean. what a thing to say!!!!!! But he actually is.... I love him dearly and am so protective of him because he can be quite difficult to 'get' but he is fiercly intelligent, very independent (yet clingy) and seems older than his 5 years in lots of ways. I so want to have fun with him and laugh together but in all honesty he makes this very very difficult. It feels like I am doing this all wrong

My DD is bright and highly strung. I'm looking at her diet. i've been advised to cut all refined sugar. If I am honest then she eats FAR too much of this. Biscuits and cakes etc. She's one of hotse skinny, starving kids and when she's always hungry it's too easy to let her have a biscuit....but I'm getting on it.

How is your sons' diet?

We have looked at diet, but other than the occasional glass of juice I have always been good on that front. I have to say I do think so of this is Sleep induced behaviour as he doesn't want to go to bed and then will be up at 6am bouncing off the walls.

BANDOF MOTHERS - my son gets offered good food but would prefer to eat crap all day if given the chance. he eats whatever I cook (good food) but doesn;t touch a vegetable EVER (only sweetcorn or whatever I can disguise in pasta sauces) . He does probably eat far too much sugar. I know he will eat it so I give it to him as it is the path of least resistance. He does always get good lunches (school) and good evening meals but yeah, I'll take a look at teh rest of it. Do youthink it realy has an impact?

It has a massive impact apparently....I've known this but like you, I can't be bothered to argue sometimes! I'm swapping cereal bars and biscuits in her lunch bag for home made flapjacks with no sugar...only honey and maybe dried fruit like raisins.

I give mine natural greek yoghurt with smashed strawberries or a spoon of honey in...I put it in a glass to make it a bit fancy looking and she likes that.

But now on there will be no more sugary junk in her lunchbag or in her brekkie. Aftyer her dinner in the evening I am offerng only fruit and then none of that after 6.00pm because even that has a lot of sugar in. Some nuts and raisins are another snack. If they are hungry enough they'll eat it.

Organic peanut butter and granary bread...watch the sugar in bread too...it has a lot.

wow BandM - that is really impressive! I will watch this space to see how it affects your dd and I will defo take a leaf out of your book and do the same. I'd love that to be teh case anyway as I love good pure food - he's the only one in our family who eats so poorly. it makes perfect sense - doh me!

Well don't get too impressed! I've not really begun yet! Monday is my first day as I'm just gathering my ingredients and shopping over the weekend!

My DD is over tired and school has commented on it affecting her. If the crap isn't in the cupboards they'll have to eat what theyre given won't they? I expect SOME complaining and I will have to tell my Mum no more sweets!

I hope you get her sorted, for both your sakes. My son is absolutely great at school, never a prolem. did you follow a particular dietary plan

or just good common sense?

If it happens in school times then it's a school matter to deal with, all you can do is support/back them up/talk with him about why he should want to behave well, and what the consequences are for misbehaviour.

They shouldn't ask you for solutions, OP, they should come up with ideas they want to try & you support them as much as possible. That's how it works.

Do you walk to school?
Does your child get enough exercise?
Does your child eat a good balanced and filling meal?
Do you have a tidy house?
Do you have decent routines?
Is he naughty at home?
Is he naughty at school?
Does bad behaviour get treated consistently?
Do you and your partner have a good relationship?

Make sure this is in place before looking for other reasons.

TBH I have four dcs and none of them have ever been naughty at school. I think this is down to a decent discipline at home that is balanced, not too strict, good open communication and reasoning.

If I read the thread properly OP doesn't have problems at home, behaviour problems are at school only.
Some people solve this type of problem, quite effectively, by moving schools!

WEll I know a child who is only naughty at school because he's under loads of pressure at home and there's no room for error.

Posie what's a tidy house got to do with it? My house is always a mess. Doesn't that go with the territory of having small children? Particularly if both parents work?

You seem to be handling this well at home OP. So it seems that the school have to pull their finger out and put some plan into action.
Have they thought about contacting the School Ed Pyshcologist? Ours is great and everytime we have a meeting with her and the Head, she always comes up with new ideas to help with DS's behavioural probs.
ATM, the school are doing a Buddy Circle where a handfil of DS's friends meet with hime every week. They sit and talk to him about the previous week and how his behaviour has affected them in school. It's not ALL negative feedback, sometimes they thank him for helping them with a maths problem, for example, or for playing nicely at break time.
I think it's good because the feedback is coming from his peers, not just his teachers or parents, so he tends to take more notice of their comments as he wants to 'fit in' with them.
Your school should try something and not expect you to monitor his behaviur in school.

Jospeh Rowntree Research showed that chaotic lives (which was lack of routine and disorganised household) is the largest contributor to behavioural issues and relationships.

Unless there are LDs a child that misbehaves at school has not had the correct building blocks at home, be that inconsistency, overly strict, rowing parents or ineffective parenting or something else. It is not just one of those things.

Interesting stuff Posie.

OP

My son is in exactly this situation and it is truly the worst thing I have ever had to deal with. My Ds is much worse than yours however as he is aggressive. He current has a statement of needs based on his behaviour at school. We are in the process of finalising a diagnosis of autism for him

Please don't worry that I am suggesting this is the problem with your son. I am not, but I am trying to say that there are many reasons this could be happening at school, many of which may not be in your control, despite what most other parents think.

Posie Parker has suggested some good questions to ask yourself, but if your answers to all of those is satisfactory (as our were) I would look further afield for reasons such as:

Does he have undiagnosed difficulties with school work? DS is very bright and has good language skills so on the surface he seems fine, in fact even very advance for his age, but he has difficulties with subtleties that other children his age might not have. He is also almost certainly dyslexic, which makes school very stressful and frustrating for him.

Does he have more difficulties with social skills than other children his age? Remember that at home these social skills are not tested to the same extent as they are at home.

These are questions that you may need professional help with. However before going down that route (before people start accusing me of pathologising bad behaviour), I would go into school and work out a good system of communication with the school.

Use a home school book and implement some home reward systems for your ds's behaviour at school as you have done for his behaviour at home. We have had some success with this with DS. To do this though you need to work closely with the school and you need a decent relationship with them. Give this a chance first before calling in anyone else.

If the school won't do this, I would seriously consider changing schools sooner rather than later. If you have a child that struggles behaviourally in school but not so much at home, it may not be anything you are doing but may be that he finds something in the school environment very difficult to cope with and the school needs to work with you to help him mangae this better. If they won't do this but continue to blame your son (and of course you by default) for all of his behaviour then you need to find a school that will take this on in a more positive frame of mind.

If after a few weeks/months of this you see no improvement then I would suggest asking the school to get the educational psychologist to see your son and to give some recommendations.

I agree with ashamed.
I think the school should be tackling this problem.
Of course they are right to keep you informed and check to make sure there is no significant factor at home causing this behaviour.
I would ask the school what behaviour policies are in place SPECIFICALLY for you child and then tell them that you will continue/enforce this at home so that there is consistency.

I disagree about all children behaving the same at school as they do at home. My ds is absolutely no problem at home yet I received a phone call before Christmas from his French teacher about his unacceptable behaviour whilst in her class.

She laid out exactly what she would do, I backed her up. I then spoke to ds about it, who was shocked that she had rung. We had parents evening last week and she said that he was like a completely different child. His grades had shot up and he was no longer mis behaving.

I told her, infront of ds that I was so glad she had kept me informed and in a nut shell if he stepped out of line that both his dad and I wanted the heavy handed treatment dished out to him. I told her we would back her.

You need to let the school know that you will support them, not all parents do!! This should prompt them into a more concise, disciplined approach.

""Unless there are LDs a child that misbehaves at school has not had the correct building blocks at home, be that inconsistency, overly strict, rowing parents or ineffective parenting or something else. It is not just one of those things""

Well this may be true for a child who misbehaves everywhere, but if your child really only badly misbehaves at school maybe it is the school environment (which is after all a demanding one)that they are struggling to cope with.

I find it astonishing that parents really are blamed for all behaviour: Do the following arguments not strike anyone as inconsistent:

Child misbehaves at home and at school - Parent's fault because the child must have a chaotic home life with no boundaries (this probably has some truth but not always)

Child misbehaves at home but not at school - Parent's fault because they are not managing the behaviour well, after all if school can manage to control them why can't the parent?

Child misbehaves at school but not at home - -Also Parent fault because they are either

Lying (this one really annoys me)
Over controlling so that the child acts out at school (So parents are over controlling but when the opposite happens, the school is just applying good boundaries - give me a break!)

If a parent says the worst behaviour is happening at school, the school does need to be involved in finding the solution . If they refuse to engage with this they are a bad school - end of

And as lurkinginthebackgound has said. Work with the school and support them.

Ds is never in any doubt that we support the school in any sanction they have applied for his behaviour.

In fact his teachers and headteachers have often thanked us for our support. They don't blame us and we don't blame them. We/they don't even really blame DS. The school does sanction him (as do we for his worst behaviour at school) but the school also makes accommodations for him to help him manage things better. The school acknowledges that ds finds controlling his behaviour at school difficult and works towards helping him learn the skills he needs in order to do this.

Unless the school is having trouble with all children's behaviour or has a terrible child in the class who is disruptive and not being dealt with, I think it is that simple.

Oh and I do expect a secure child to save their worst behaviour for home.

People (kids) are not robots, they don't all react the same to the same inputs or even the same quality of inputs.
Some kids are more nervous than others, plus some are much more "secure" at home than they could ever be away from home, & especially at school. Some react to challenges by developing coping skills, or going quiet, others react by acting out badly. Fraternal twins can adopt very different strategies because of hard-wired differences. There is no one-answer-to-explain-all.
(Sigh)