does anyone else have a shy 5 year old?

[leftmymistletoeatthedoor]

Ds has just turned 5. He has lots of friends, always has done, is lively and funny etc.

However, he is very shy with new adults although not as shy when I'm not there according to the school :)

He is also going through a very very clingy stage which is something he's never done before, ever.

Any tips on what I can do to help him? Or even just an reassurance I am not alone?

My almost 5 year old DS is very shy too.

He has loads of friends at School and judging by the amount of birthday party invites he gets, must be quite popular but when out with me in public, he can be painfully shy. He will outright ignore any new adults he has to interact with, turning away and refusing to acknowledge them at all. I'm always mortified as he must seem so rude but apart from putting him in similar situations over and over and encouraging (but not forcing) him to interact, I'm not sure what else I can do.

His end of pre school report said that he was very shy and withdrawn with them to begin with but as soon as he felt comfortable, he was happy to join in and happy to be the centre of attention. He's only been at school since September but on the one parents evening they've had so far, they seemed to say the same. I know he's now quite happy to stand up in front of the class and talk as he regularly asks to take things in for show and tell.

Yet this same boy will refuse to ask for the food he'd like in a restaurant and wouldn't even talk to Santa or his elves at the grotto we went to at Christmas. He just stares at the floor and refuses to acknowledge them. I know they can be scary situations but the waiter was a friend of DH's and was really trying and the rest of us were obviously comfortable with him and the elves were only passing him a bag to put "reindeer food" in which he wouldn't even take.

DH and I were both shy as children so I guess he must have gotten it from us but I wish I knew how to help him.

Sorry your ds is the same but glad my ds isn't the only one iyswim.

Ds actually spoke to santa this christmas just gone for the first time :)

He's been at school since August - he does show and tell etc.

You should see this years Santa photo! I had to buy it just because it was so comically awful. DS had tucked himself behind my thigh on the opposite side of me to Santa and refused to even look at the camera while I stand there holding a similarly unimpressed DD!

Everyone there was so lovely too.

I guess we just keep on encouraging them into these situations and supporting them until their confidence builds?

My ds is kind of the same. But I don't really encourage him to change. Some kids can just be too confident and arsey. I wouldn't expect a 5 yo to be able to ask for stuff in a restaurant.
I think it's healthy for the them to have a bit of fear of adults tbh.

Really?

What if they needed help sometime? Talking to doctors? What about having the confidence to tell people about things?

That's what we're for isn't it? I think in this day we expect our kids to grow up far too fast.

I agree Tracy BUT if he got lost I'd like hik to have the confidence to approach someone or if he was upset about something at school I'd like him to tell someone for example. I don't think its about growing up so much as being confident and I don't think that's the same thing at all. I'd love for other people to see the 'real ds' because he's so bright and funny but that doesn't come across because he's shy. Whilst at school hell do show and tell, read with the teacher etc he wouldn't approach her and say 'I did X at the weekend' or 'I like learning about Y' and he also gets embarrassed about getting things wrong when sounding out new words. I just wish he was a bit more confident.

DD1 (4.3) is similar. She does love adults, but only those she knows well. She will only very rarely answer a strange adult (even when it is a 'What is your name?' type question). But then will shout random things and act silly in order to get their attention - so it is as if she clams up when the focus is on her, but does actually want some attention, but only on her terms IYSWIM.

She is very contrary though, so I think at least some of it, is all about NOT doing what I/another want when I/another wants it. A combination of stubborn and shy, if you like. Can't think where she gets that from - thank goodness I grew out of the shyness!

I can completely commiserate with the Father Christmas visit. DD didn't speak when she was 2, nor when she was 3 (twice), and neither visit this year at 4. Wouldn't answer questions, nor take the (obviously very tempting) present. And, she sat stony-faced for the photograph which of course, we HAD to buy for prosperity.

I think all we can do is encourage these type of situations without making too much of a fuss, in order for them to gain confidence. Easier said than done.

I do understand about the 'wanting other people to know the real DC' mistletoe. Sometimes it is a bit heartbreaking. And utterly frustrating at the same time.

However. last week DD and I were out shopping. She wanted an apple, but the greengrocers is a bit difficult to navigate with the pram, so I suggested that DD take the bag of apples and the money into the shop and pay herself. Never in a million years did I think that she would. But she did! Unsmiling and completely silent, but she did it. And I thought I might burst with pride

It wasn't any old restaurant though Tracy, it was his favourite restaurant and the waiter was a friend of his fathers. Friend was talking to DS and asking him what he would like and he just sat staring at the floor refusing to answer. He wouldn't even say thank you when the food/drink arrived. I would expect a 5 year old to be able to say thank you surely? It seems rude otherwise.

blatherskite, re. the restaurant. DD will often refuse to take food from friends of the family. Very desirable food, from very child-friendly and well-known adults. She really, really wants it, but would rather go without than reach out her hand and take it. It all seems like it is too much pressure, too many people expecting too much. Do you see? Very odd.

And, I agree with the pleases and thank yous. We have exactly the same problem.

Glad I'm not alone!

Ds will now pay for things but won't talk to anyone during the exchange - its a step forward though I suppose!

At the school fair he wouldn't talk to the headmistress but she told me he chats away to her when I'm not there.

It so hard to know is it shyness / stubbornness / rudeness????

Dd is only 16 months and isn't shy at all but is very rude and glares at people or blows raspberries. She is only 16m though so that's ok isn't it? Doesn't mean I'm a total failure as a parent??!!

Oh and yy to refusing to talk to adults and thn acting up to get their attention - I HATE that.

That's exactly it Rainy! Friend brought him pepperoni pizza, his absolute favourite, but he would rather have not had it than have to look at Friend to get it! Once we'd taken it for him and put it down on the table, he devoured the lot so he definitely wanted it, he so long as he didn't have to take it.

Maybe it is too much pressure. We certainly weren't trying to pressure him but I could see how it could feel like that to him.

I certainly swing between feeling like it's shyness, stubbornness and rudeness too - it feels like all 3 at once sometimes.

We've been out this afternoon to a party and DS was fine - but then he was with his best friend and they were so engrossed in each other, I doubt they noticed anyone else. He was happy to pose for a photo at the front of a large group of adults and children he'd never met before without me being anywhere near which isn't like him but he was with his friend which maybe made the difference? Ah well, at least he did it I guess.

Ds2 was very shy both with adults and other children and, at 5, would never have spoken to a "strange" adult. At 14 he remains fairly shy but I don't really think it has held him back to his detriment, although I know there have been times when he has missed opportunities to do things by not speaking up. He has loads a of friends and takes part in all sorts of activities but can still be quiet in adult company.

TracyK whilst I am not keen on bold, pushy children, I'm afraid, in this day and age they are the ones that will get on. In my day it was best to be "seen and not heard" but now it's all about show and tell, presentations etc. In all my sons classes it has always been the ones with the most to say for themselves that have been chosen for everything.

I don't know what you do, but I do agree that you ought to do something.
Both DDs have had painfully shy friends and what's cute at 5 is bloody annoying at 10.
The trouble is that DD2s class have taken their very quiet girl under their wing, they are very protective of her. This is very sweet, but I do worry what will happen when she goes to a different senior school to them next year.

DS1 (12) is very shy. But I would rather that than some of the gobby 12 year olds that he mixes with.

DS1 (age 9) was painfully shy as a little boy. It was really unbearable.

We sent him to drama on Saturday mornings and he is a different child!!

It's not that I want him to be a big star and be on TV but for speaking out and building confidence it has been amazing.

He had the lead in the school play in May this year and speaks out loud to adults now. He played a trick on his teacher at the end of the year - he wrote a script for 'Quiz the Teacher', dressed in a shirt and tie and quizzed the teacher on all the things he might know about the children from the previous year.

He is about to audition for the School's **Got Talent' and is performing 'Horrible Histories King Charles the Second' and his confidence has soared.

It took some time but it has been remarkable.

He now goes to Razzamatazz Theatre School.

HTH

Bloody hell, collision I can't imagine DD at drama classes. Her 'organised events' history so far is: 4 swimming lessons, withdrew her as I couldn't stand watching her weep and cling to the teacher any longer; and dancing classes, tried about 3 or 4 weeks but eventually gave up as she stood by me at the edge the whole time. But as mistletoe suggests, I expect my presence influenced the outcome in both cases.

blatherskite, I really am becoming convinced that it is a strange combination of too much pressure, inherent shyness and a stubborn streak.

My DS is like this. Silly and then shy.

His teacher thought he couldn't speak.

He does go to a drama group and likes it, but when I went to the 'show' at the end of term he was very shy.

I'm sure he will grow out of it :)

DS is fine with swimming lessons - after the first one.

He's been swimming since he was 6 months old and started going in the pool on his own (with a teacher and about 5 other children) at 3. He's fine once he's settled but whenever we change classes, he spends the first lesson crying and refusing to join in. I thought I'd cracked it this term as I'd managed to get him back into the class of his favourite teacher who'd he'd been asking for ever since he moved but no, we were back to tears on the first lesson. The teacher even got me to leave poolside to see if it helped and he did stop for a while but started again soon after I came back.

2nd week - he was all smiles and loving it

Oh, DD swims (with armbands), jumps in etc. She is very confident when swimming with DH, but once in an organised lesson, clung weeping to the instructor like she'd never seen water before