Advice with 10 year old behaviour

[claireinmodena]

Would to kniw uf anyone has any advice please re my dds behaviour as sometimes I'm totally at a loss as to what to do.

Today she was given a lift back home by one of her mums friends and they asked if they could do homework together and I said no because I'd made plans to help her clear out hers and dd2s room as dh is fitting a new wardrobe tmrw while they are in school (we are abroad different system). He will have help in the morning only so the room needed to be done tiday, I' d told her yesterday.

I tried ti explain it to her but she started having a tantrum and denying I'd told her, being very rude to me snd saying she had so much homework that she would not havd had time to do anything else. I said that was fine, but I thought it'd be quicker to do her homework on her own. She was still having a go at me and I told her we could arrange another time for them to be together, and she was likd "I know its never going to happen!" and saying she wasnt sngry because if that but because she was right in thinking that doing homework with a friend would have takdn longer snd I was wrong. This was clearly NOT the case but I am at a loss as to dhat to say she blatznhly denies stg so obvious!

I think she knows deep down she was wrong but she wouldnt admit it and she does this all the time. In the end I let it go and told her to just go and do her homework because there was nothing to gain ftom the discussion.

I like to explain everything I deny/give to thdm as I hate the "because I say so" thing, but by doing so she then drags me into endless discussions as she always an answer fof anything and will rarely admit to being in the wrong.

It drives me mad because we end up having long arguments about silly things, when uf could hzve been sorted in 2 minutes.

I hope I madd myself clear and that someone has some advice...
Ps she's sctually nearly 11

Sorry typo there: " she was maintaining that doing homework with a friend would NOT have taken longer" its what I meang to write!

She is hormonal?
Mt Dd hasn't got there yet but DS is 11 and he would argue black was white if it suited his purpose and I let him.

I too hate saying "because I said so" but there are times when it isn't worth the long argument and because I said so will have to do.

I think that if you had made other plans and told her then however much she doesn't like it she will have to accept it.

Personally I would later be having the talk about how I don't like to be spoken to that just because he wasn't getting his own way and laying out consequences for being spoken to like that in front of someone else if I had managed not to do that in front of the friend already that is .

have 12yrs ds and i have the same problems as u guys!!! friends with older children tell me she will be much better when she starts her periods, not sure about this, it all started about 10 and shes still going gulp!! i wish u both luck i think most girls seem to be like this at this age testing the boundries etc and thinking they are all grown up! chin up mums its got to get better at some point!!

I have found with our 12 yr old that if you get drawn into an argument/discussion it will end badly. Now I tend to stick with the facts and point blank refuse to discuss it there and then, calmly stating the facts about what we are doing and walking away/getting on with it...or whatever is appropriate.

If When she starts kicking off I let her know that while I am happy to discuss it calmly later, I will not be shouted/screamed/stamped at in the meantime and suggest she takes herself off to rant/calm down alone. If she continues to shout yell then I let her know that one more outburst will lead to a consequence then I walk away.

I find that after a few weeks of this approach many of the flare ups are reducing and the screaming and yelling has been considerably reduced. She still stopms to her room and slams the door and rants to her pillow but I can love with that.

I always talk to her later when we are both calm and explain my reasoning but also give her the chance to have her say as well, but calmly rsther than yelling.

I never say the consequence there and then either but I let her know later what it will be if she has carried on. This is because I find when I get mad I am prone to say ridiculous things such as "you will NEVER go out again!!" If she is late back and not showing remorse for example. It's daft becasue she knows I don't mean it - this way she knows there will be something and I can get my sensible head on and actually give a more appropriate punishment such as not going out for 2 nights, or whatever.....

It's not a cure all, but not getting sucked into an argument in the heat of the moment really does help

Thanks everyone for your comments, its nice to know I am not alone!!

She may be hormonal but tbh, she's always been a but like this, her tsntrums as a toddler could last for hours (and I never gave in to what I believed were unreasonable requests). I think she is a nervous and iversensitive child and she can have some really ott reactions tk things that she'd normslly just accept.

Shd knows I do not like improvised playdates and that it is a 50/50 chance that I might agree. I think yesterday she may sldo have been very tired.

I know I should not get into s long argument but shebis do clever at twisting things sometimes I am not aware until its too late ! I also probablh dwell too much on explanations, anc as the last poster said (sorry on my phone and cant go back to thread to check names) just state facts and walk away. I suppose I should also not react if she stomps slams doors etc, which I find hard to refrain from.

I am so dreading her becoming a teenager, I hope I can snip off somd of this unpleasant behavior now, but I fear it will only get worse!!!!