My son really doesnt like his grandmother..does anyone else have this problem?

[MentalMuslimMummy]

My son has such a dislike towards his grandmother..she is his fathers mum. He cannot bear her hugging him or kissing him and even if she talks to him sometimes he is sooo rude to her. He is to be fair not even three yet (he's three in march) and when he is not in the grandmother's house, a generally very well behaved and nice little boy. The grandmother is a lovely woman, really helpful and kind, if a tiny bit overbearing in terms of always wanting to kiss him and that, but since he took such a dislike to her she very rarely attempts any affection towards him anymore.

To make things worse Ive just given birth (well 4 months ago to be exact) so the attention is mainly on my little girl. DS gets loads of attention from me as I like to do activities at home with him and take him out places, and his dad absolutely dotes on him. He has an amazing and very close relationship with my own mum who lives in sussex (we live in london) which is an hour's drive away and we dont see them often, just once a month.

any advice or experiences mummies?

No real advice I'm afraid. But, in my opinion rudeness isn't to be tolerated at all. I'd be mortified if my DS was rude to anyone, particularly his grandparents and certainly isn't something I'd allow. Do you actually do anything about that? At 3, should be capable of knowing that speaking in a certain manner is rude and not acceptable.

Your post is a bit unclear though. How exactly is he rude? You say he's well behaved when not in her house, so what's he doing, other than rudeness, to misbehave there?

It sounds to me like he isn't a cuddly type of child (?) and I'd just explain this to her whenever she tries to get kisses & cuddles and he refuses. He probably just doesn't like it and feels a bit 'suffocated' by affection. If he's now getting less attention with your DD being born, how has he taken this? If he generally doesn't like all the affection, I'd have thought he might be happier she's leaving him alone a bit more.

If she's very kind etc, could it be that he thinks he can get away with more when in her company than when home with you so tries it on a bit more?

Obviously I am very strict with him and tell him off. There's no way in hell I tolerate rudeness from him. At his grandmothers unfortunately, its a different story because he rules the roost. He is the first grandchild and has been spoilt with attention from everybody, but thankfully he has manners around me, his father and the general public at least!

You say you would be 'mortified' if your ds was rude to anyone. I am not mortified, rather I am slightly embarassed when he does this. Bearing in mind he is not yet three and still a very small child, he still has much to learn about manners and etiquette. I got spat on yesterday by a three year old who thought that was acceptable to do even though he clearly knew right from wrong, and that is, in my opinion, worse than saying 'I dont like you' like my ds does to his grandmother. If he spat on her I would be mortified. But he wont because that would never ever be tolerated. Perhaps he is, as you say, feeling suffocated, that would explain some behaviour I see.

my son was exactly like this I started a thread about it yrs ago. He's now 9 so got over it yrs ago.

He was scared of my mum , his great-grandmother and any elderly lady that approached him. Very embarassing in supermarket . It started at about 8 mos iirc. He would frown and push them away , when he was very young it was crying and hysterics, so real fear.
My mother was devastated because she lives in canada and would only see him for a few weeks a yr. He eventually just grew out of it, by about 4/5yrs.

I too reprimanded his rudeness depite knowing it was a fear.So embarassing!

So no answers I'm afraid just letting you know it was a weird phase.

I do, but I understand cos my mother in law is a bitch

I would have a word with MIL and tell her that he needs space. Get her to give him time to do things at his own pace. Does she read to him-play games? Lots of children don't want to be kissed and cuddled-it isn't something that you can force.

My nephew HATED anyone hugging him, and he'd lash out even as a very little child.

So I started the "half a hug" - I explained I wanted a hug and he didn't (he agreed) so how's about we met half way and have half a hug? He agreed and we've been having "half a hug" ever since.

I'd have a word to MIL that it's not her (even though it is) and could she start with a handshake and explain to DS that he doesn't have to hug MIL but that he MUST be polite and at least shake hands. Maybe once he's comfortable with that she could work him up to half a hug

My nephew is now a strapping 6' teenager and I still get half a hug.

I think you need to reset the boundaries a bit with your MIL to stop here being excessively physical with your DS. Whether we like it or not elderly people can be a bit scary at times to small children. I remember being made to kiss my great-grandmother and I hated it. I just thought that she looked like a witch. I would set the tone for both of them. No initiating physical contact from mil and ds is expected to be pleasant.

I always say that people get silly with babies, but it all eases off because as the baby grows they don't put up with it!
She is the adult-she needs to get to know him without wanting to cuddle.

My DD was like this with MIL and my dad just because, I think, she could sense how 'needy' they were - if they didn't get a hug or a kiss they would go ON and ON 'poor grandma' 'poor grandad' 'grandad's going to cry' etc. etc. I still find it hard with my MIL if DD (now 4) is being 'off' with her but explained to my own dad that he had to earn DD's trust and respect not just demand cuddles and then sulk and play up when he didn't get them. DD adores my own mum (despite at this point last year telling her to go away and that she didn't like her) because mum always listened to her. She never put up with any overt rudeness but always respected DDs personal space and was always smiley and kind even if DD had a tantrum on her 5 minutes previously. tbh think DD would much rather spend time with my mum than ME on many occasions. I talked to MIL (much more diplomatically than my own dad) and she and DD made biscuits together which they both loved. Maybe a shared activity would be a good way to 'bond' them... or just give it time - things change soooo quickly. Maybe your DS will surprise your MIL by giving her a hug when he's ready.
good luck!

is it just the hugging and kissing he doesn't like or is there more?

I think it's fair enough to not like to be hugged and kissed by all and sundry, as adults we can set our own boundaries on that score so why not as children. So wrt the affection I would just say to mil that on the whole he's not an affectionate child and doesn't want to be hugged/kissed all the time.

But if there's more, other rudeness and in terms of him telling your mil that he doesn't like her, he also needs to learn that that isn't tolerated and that no matter how much you dislike someone, you just don't tell them because it makes them sad.

"My son has such a dislike towards his grandmother..she is his fathers mum. He cannot bear her hugging him or kissing him and even if she talks to him sometimes he is sooo rude to her. He is to be fair not even three yet (he's three in march) and when he is not in the grandmother's house, a generally very well behaved and nice little boy."

Just joined so this is 12 years back so hoping by now the spoiled brat, your first born son has started to love his grandmother. Good parenting wouldn't allow any rudeness towards her either at her home, in front of you or at your home but the toddler by "ruling the roost" as you call it hasn't learned any manners!

If my grandson acted this rudely he wouldn't be dumped over to my house to babysit as I'd expect more of a loving toddler not this lit'l monster of yours!