HELP!!! My 2 year old ds has been asked not to come back to school

[ettaandrews]

I have taken my son to play groups since he was able to walk, we used to go 5 times a week but not long after he started going he would hit other children and push them, for no reason at all, he would just go out of his way to push people over.

I have tried every thing to get it to stop, i tried being calm saying "no we dont push " and then moving him away, getting him to say sorry, I have tried time outs , i have taken him in to other rooms, I have tried one strike and your out, where when he has hit someone i say , " you have hit so now we are going home" I have tried saying if your good you can have a toy"

I started him at the school by me, for 2 mornings a week and he has been the same there and they told me that time out wont work on him because he doesn't care one bit that he is in there, and they have told me they don't know what i can do. they asked me today not to take him back anymore because he is upsetting and hurting the other children to much :(

I am all out of ideas, I must be doing something wrong because all the other mothers just don't have this problem, some times the other children will hit or push but its for a reason like they want a toy.

any ideas would be great right about now because i have now been truly beat!

Some go through a phase of biting or hitting or pushing. I don't think you're alone at all - a friend of mine's dd went round biting people randomly for the best part of a year for no particular reason then running off laughing. She grew out of it although it was mortifying for her mum for quite a while.

Sorry I can't think of a solution you haven't tried - I think it's a bit poor of the school to not just work on it - they must've seen this before. I would perhaps go and try some other nurseries and have a chat with them. Or leave it a while until he goes back to pre-school/nursery. It might just be that he's a little bit too young to cope with this setting.

I do know it's nothing you've done or not done - some are just like this for a while. They don't really learn empathy for a while yet. Try not to worry - it does pass. Maybe it would help to take him to places where he can expend more energy - like the park or soft play, rather than playgroup settings.

I agree with psketti. Some children go through this phase - my DS2 was like this for over a year. I tried everything you have mentioned and suddenly, when he was 2 years 2 month, he just stopped. I think maybe he was finally old enough for these disciplining methods to be effective? He still pushes occasionally, but I think that's normal.

I do sort of agree that the school should be able to cope with it, but I also think that maybe it is best for your son and the other children if he doesn't return for a while - it will be hard for him to make friends and settle in while he is in this phase. Unless it causes real problems for you (ie you need the childcare) I would remove him for a few months and keep trying to solve the problem at home.

You say he doesn't care about being in time out, so it's not a real punishment for him. Can you think of anything he would care about if you removed it? A favourite toy or activity, a favourite TV programme, bedtime story, special treat of any kind?

I don't really think that there is much you can do that you haven't already tried.

2yo bite and push sometimes. It is a phase some go through and while it is horrible for you, you just have to keep telling him that it is not nice and that it hurts the other children.

It will sink in eventually.

The nursery don't sound liek they are much good, tbh. This cannot be the first tiem this has come up.

My DS (third child) is now nearly 3. This time last year and up until a few months ago really, he was a nightmare - pushing and shoving and hitting anyone smaller (or bigger) than him for no obvious reason. When we went to friends' houses I had to watch him like a hawk and I felt embarrassed too as other parents would never leave their toddler alone in the room with him (justifiably to be honest) and would hover helicopter like whenever we were around. My older two children were not like this (so I don't think it has anything to do with parenting as I didn't treat him any differently - don't beat yourself up). Now, he's nearly three he would never ever behave like this. I almost find it hard to remember how he used to be - he is such a sweet little thing it is hard to imagine him pushing and hitting all the time like he used to.

Does he have to go to the school yet? If it's not completely necessary (e.g. for you to get work done) I would definitely leave it for a few more months. From the experience with my DS I think maybe what worked for him was a bit less socialisation until he was ready for it. He didn't really like other toddlers, didn't like sharing etc, just wanted to potter around with me. He seemed to have a huge developmental shift a few months ago where he suddenly realised what friendship was about and now he is great friends with a few of my friends' children and talks always about 'my friend x....' very proudly and is really looking forward to starting nursery school next term. There is no way he could have gone into nursery earlier - it would have been a disaster given how he was behaving (although my two DDs went for a few mornings a week from when they were 2 and a bit and loved it).

I would stick to removing him from the situation rather than attempting too much on the punishment side for now.

thanks guys you have been a big help, he doesn't need to be in school right now, it was just for him to get used to it early and for me to have a few hours off, but im going to take him out of the school and stay away from play groups for a while, you have all made me feel much better about it, knowing that im not alone in this. :)

I remember leaving playgroups in tears sometimes - mine was always the one that wouldn't join in with the singing, was raging round the room, or was stamping on a library book at rhyme time. Some scenarios just don't suit some children I think. Their brains aren't quite ready. She's six now and doing really well - no problems at all. Hang in there!

yes coming home for a good cry is normal in this house, i think its hard because some times i think i make a bigger deal out of it than i should just to show the other mothers that im trying to do the right thing and show him that he isn't aloud to do that, and im sure it really hasn't helped. its just so hard watching all the other mothers than have children that just play and them looking at me thinking im a bad mum, lol roll of 6 years old ;)

Taking him out of whatever the school was is probably for the best if it wasn't working out, but don't keep him out of playgroups if he enjoys them.

He's 2 - it's good for him to learn how to be around other children.

You'll be there to monitor him.

Don't worry about people thinking he's a bad kid. He's 2 - they're all bad so little and most toddlers of that age are trouble in their own way.

Nobody at playgroup is a position to judge.