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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Shall I tell my friend that her son is rude to me?

23 replies

muttimalzwei · 19/01/2012 13:09

I look after and sometimes babysit for a friend's son. He is 7. Quite often he doesn't greet me or even look up to see who is there. He seems to think not greeting someone is fine, even when they are standing in front of him. The other night I babysat and cheerfully asked him if he wanted a drink. 'No'. Any requests were met with annoyance, sneers or looks of 'oh God, does she think I'm stupid?' (ie, have you brushed your teeth? Are you building a truck with your lego? Do you want your door left open?). I know this could just be grumpy behaviour but the thing that wound me up the most was when I went to ask him to go to bed (he was playing in his room but I knew 9pm was lights out time) He just looked at me and said 'Book?'. I said 'I'm sorry?'. He then tutted and said 'er, book?'. By this he was asking me to read him a story. I said, ok, but can you ask nicely please? To which he said 'can I have a story?'. I read him a story but he was contradicting things I said about the book and saying 'no, that's not right'. I saw him at school and said Hello (name), you ok? And he ignored me. I said Hello (name), didn't you hear me? He said 'yes, I heard you'!!

Now I am quite prepared to accept that he may just dislike me for whatever reason but I really do find the way he speaks to me fairly unacceptable and I think he may be talking to other adults in a similar way. I'm not sure if I should say something to his mum or to tackle it myself. ('Please don't talk rudely to me' etc) Or just leave it well alone?

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psketti · 19/01/2012 13:37

Two of my daughter's friends (age 6) I've done babysitting for - and both of them were rude to me - I would just tackle it there and then and politely request that they ask nicely or they don't get. I wouldn't take it personally - I don't think it's anything to do with liking/not liking you - it's just pushing boundaries I'd say.

brass · 19/01/2012 13:45

I can understand one grumpy evening but if he always relates to you like that then something needs to be said. It's not for you to establish his boundaries or his manners. Yes you can ask him to be polite but it sounds like he has a problem with something (not necessarily you) so you should speak to the mum to make her realise what's happening (if she doesn't know already) and that it isn't acceptable or appropriate.

Original poster

muttimalzwei · 19/01/2012 19:46

Thanks, I really want to give him the benefit of the doubt but he is in danger of making himself a bit unpopular. Just rude really. I have no idea how to approach his Mum about it. She probably knows already...

OP posts:

brass · 19/01/2012 19:54

you could say something like

is he ok? he seems very grumpy/angry/whatever whenever I'm with him and I hate to say it but sometimes quite rude when I'm looking after him. I'm worried about him. Is he like that with you too?

then just give her space to reply and listen carefully to how she answers that. She may or may not want you to know of course in which case you'll have to play it by ear.

thisisyesterday · 19/01/2012 19:59

he sounds exactly like my ds, who has ASD.
a possibility perhaps?

that isn't to say that it's ok for him to be rude but it could explain it.

otherwise yeh, maybe go with what brass says if you want to approach the mother about it. although it may be easier to just tackle it as it occurs (ie, no book until you've asked nicely)

Sleepyspaniel · 19/01/2012 20:16

I think you can and should address this but, to be tactful, an indirect approach is probably best so it doesn't feel like an attack.

i.e. "Gosh, (DS) is really mature for his age, isn't he? Sometimes I can't believe he is only 7. He really doesn't like being asked about cleaning teeth any more, does he?! I suppose he's too grown up to be asked... do you still ask him? He's a little bit "rolly-eyed" when I ask him those sorts of things when I babysit, I'm not sure if he feels I'm patronising him, but he doesn't take it too well.... am I doing it wrong?" That's a good opener and once the conversation has got going you might feel able to add that he's a bit grumpy (I would try & avoid saying he is "rude" as she will probably feel more defensive over that than grumpy, which can sort of be cute IYKNIM).

I would avoid anything to heavy ie worried about him etc, unless she confides the same during the course of the conversation.

Then you have a base to build on if he continues to be rude to you. A little word from his mum might be all that's necessary.

Probably it's not that he doesn't like you, it's just that he wants his mum and is disguising it by behaving badly with you. Maybe, if he's nasty to you, you won't come any more and his mum won't go out without him....

Original poster

muttimalzwei · 19/01/2012 20:23

He is very intelligent and has an amazing memory. I know nursery said he didn't socialise very well but since he's been at school I haven't heard any more about it. I think I will tackle him myself and sleepy you coudl have a point that he wants his mum!

OP posts:

HouseworkProcrastinator · 19/01/2012 20:30

I say just tell him off yourself, if you have been asked to look after him then you are in charge. I have my friends daughter once a week while she is working and have no trouble telling her off, while with me it's my rules.

Lucy88 · 19/01/2012 21:50

Agree with Houseworkprocrastinator here - with me, my rules.

I look after my Nephew every month for a full weekend and he went through a phase of being sullen and rude to me. He doesn't have ASD or anything similar, he was just plain rude. I tackled it myself and pulled him straight away when he spoke to me in a rude tone of voice and if he didn't ask nicely, using good manners I just walked away from him. If he continued, then he went on time-out.

Took 2 weekends of me doing this and a number of times in time-out and he soon changed his tune. He's lovely now. Never said anything to my sister, as she is really defensive about her DS and accepts his rude behaviour.

LibbyJ · 19/01/2012 22:04

Well I wouldnt go there with telling your friend.....nobody wants to hear things like that about their child, true or not, and it could strain your friendship. All I can say is, it is up to the Mum to correct him when he is rude when out with her, but when you look after him, you every right to correct him and tell him off for rudeness etc......Sounds like your friend could do with going on a course for parenting...... Bottom line, it really is down to the parents how the child responds etc. Parenting is not easy and takes alot of energy and effort to get it right and many do get it right, but sadly many dont. Good manners go such a long way in life. All the best.

festi · 19/01/2012 22:27

i would tell friend actually and would expect to be told my self if dd behaved like this. Does friend ask how he was, was he good etc? if so just say, oh he was a bit moody when asked or told xyz, so this is how I managed it...!, the hopfully friend will say oh is that so, wait untill I have a word he wont dare talk to you like that again..., well in an ideal world.

My dd refuses to say hello to the lollypop lady some times, it is embarrasing and drives me nutts. I have no idea why she does it but it started to become a bit of a battle untill I decided to not bother with the battle and show up of say hello etc etc, so now I ignore dd say sorry, isnt dd very rude lollipop lady and then when dd asks me for a treat etc after school I ignore her or just so no im not prepared to give you what you want unless you can be respectfull to lolipop lady so not today maybe tomorrow if you are kind to her. maybe you could respond the same to him, and say well I dont think you have been very respectfull so no story sorry, but next time I babysit I will gladly read to you if you are respectfull to me.

do you babysit often as if so, he maybe feeling a little put out he is left with you on a regular basis.

Kiwiinkits · 20/01/2012 16:45

I think its very rude for children not to be taught to say a proper hello and goodbye to somebody. I'm not sure on the other things, but I think you ought to muster up the courage to talk to your friend about this issue. Perhaps say "It's really hard for me to say this but I feel put out when your DS doesn't greet me properly when I come over. Is it okay if I say something to him next time?"
Good manners do go a long way in life, and a 7 year old should be taught the very basics IMO.

CupOfBrownJoy · 20/01/2012 16:50

Why on earth would you accept being spoken to like this from a 7 year old??

Tell the mother or don't, but what's wrong with having a bit of a stern word with him yourself about the way he was acting and speaking to you?

No way would i have let that go

Original poster

muttimalzwei · 20/01/2012 19:05

Thanks all. Next time I babysit I won't put up with it. Agree telling his mum is not best way forward but he needs to know that he can't treat ' general' people like this.

OP posts:

HouseworkProcrastinator · 20/01/2012 22:07

festi is it only the lolly pop lady you child won't speak to? My eldest can be painfully shy sometimes and when adults say hello to her she most often won't talk back to them and no amount of encouraging her will work. This can come across as rude but she doesn't mean to be.

hmc · 20/01/2012 22:19

I wouldn't tell the friend, I would just pull the child up on his inappropriate behaviour myself, in a direct no nonsense way....e.g. "you do realise that it is rude not to acknowledge someone" ...and in your book example "would you kindly not keep interrupting whilst I am reading or I'll stop" (whilst fixing him with a severe expression). Ds has a friend (also 7) who is 'precocious' / not socially skilled (and also very bright) - I've had to take him to task a few times, works for me, he handles it all quite well, seems to take it on board and still wants to come over to play so isn't to traumatised

hmc · 20/01/2012 22:19

'too'

katiecoocoo · 05/02/2012 11:40

I think Brass is right in how to approach it if u do decide to tell his mum..which I think you should, incase she doesn't know...wouldn't you prefer to be made aware of it if it was your child behaving that way so you cld do something about it before dc gets the impression that its acceptable..If my friends kids behave negatively when I'm responsible for them I always let them know because they have a right to know to do whatever they will with that information..especially if there may be a reason for it with which the kid needs some sort of additional support etc etc..IyswIm. If it was my kids I'd rather be told.

Amaretti · 05/02/2012 11:50

I agree - don't accept the behaviour from him. Pull him up on it in the same way a teacher would, very calmly. I wouldn't mention it to his mum.

MollieO · 05/02/2012 11:53

Does he say please and thank you to his parents? Ds is 7 and I'm amazed at how monosyllabic some of his friends are. If one of them doesn't say please or thank you I correct them automatically (as I would do with my own ds).

OriginalJamie · 05/02/2012 15:10

I never have raised this with another parent, but I don't let rudeness slide if a child is in my care.

If a child is always unpleasant, I have tended to have them round less. It's unfair really, now I think about it, because I'd want to know if my child is being rude.

oldmum42 · 05/02/2012 15:37

OP, is he being rude, or might he have Asperger's? That kind of lack of "social grace" in a 7yo is a bit of a red flag - as you describe it, it does sound like he's not "getting" social interaction (my DS has Asperger's and your descriptions sound very like him at that age). Whether your friend will be receptive to the idea of her DS maybe, perhaps, needing a bit of help socially is something only you can decide....... but there is are many ways to help him develop a little bit socially (whether or not he has ASD, it sounds like he needs a little bit of help to develop himself socially). You could help by not assuming he's ignoring you/being rude, and assuming instead that he doesn't know he's doing anything wrong.... then you can try using the form of words you expect him to use. ie "friendsDC, it's polite to say Good morning/afternoon X, how are you today, it lets the other person know you are thinking of them". And so on, social chitchat is a really difficult thing for a lot of kids to grasp.

If he doesn't actually UNDERSTAND he's coming across as rude, telling him he's rude without helping him understand why you think that will be really hurtful to him (it was incredibly upsetting for my DS to be told off by teachers/family members for exactly the kinds of things you describe, when he didn't have a clue WHY people were upset).

OTOH, maybe he is a rude little s**t, but please consider the other possibilities too!

Oblomov · 05/02/2012 21:32

I don't know what kind of 'friends' you have, but if someone couldn't tell me that my son had been rude to them, and if they really wrere a friend, I would be mortified. Infact anyone, any mum i the playground, who I had barely said good morning to, I would expect them to tell me.
My son has Aspergers. He swore at one of his closest friends dads. He nearly didn't tell my dh, but my dh insisted, we were mortified and made ds apologise to friends dad the next day. what sort of friend are you? or what sort of 'friends' do you have? not the sort of friendships I wish for, obviously.

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