DS (4) dawdling/stopping on way to/from school driving me mad, any ideas?

[MyOtherNameIsBetter]

DS used to be fine at walking but lately is using it as power play I think. I am 32 wks pregnant and he knows I can't/won't pick him up. On the way to school I have to chivvy him along so much it is just embarrassing. He is intentionally slow, I guess he knows it gets him attention. I have tried various tactics which can work eg: he pretends to be a train pulling me along or he gets a pen tick on the hand if he's walked well. I've tried walking off without him but TBH am not ballsy enough to do it much as there are lots roads on our estate and he is a stubborn so and so and I know he just wouldn't move.

Sometimes when he's tired/hungry on the way home from childminders, he'll just stop dead and refuse to walk. I just feel so powerless. I try the games but tonight he was so stroppy... I was doing the game 'wrong' and there was only so much being bossed about in public by a 4 year old I could take before I snapped. I tried to pull/drag him home but he just sat on the floor or held on to railings. I must admit I lost my patience and carried him home in the end (no mean feat with a 40" pregnant tum) and we had a screaming match when we got home as I was so wound up. I was far too heavy handed with him I know - he was hitting me and I was screaming in his face and holding his arms by his side.

In the interests of full disclosure DH left about 6 weeks ago, although DS seems to be coping fine (DH was not hands on at all). Also I do give DS positive attention, we had a 1 hour bath together last night. He couldn't understand why I wouldn't give him a 'treat' of getting in the bath with him tonight (!)

Any new tactics or advice would be really appreciated - feeling pretty low and lonely not to mention dreading the school run tomorrow. Today it had been raining and I mentioned getting his umbrella out... it had stopped by the time we were out the door but he still used his umbrella (fine). However he wasn't walking well and insisted I got out my umbrella for him to walk properly, which I did and he did walk better. But I just felt like such a plonker, how have I let this 4yo be in charge?! Maybe I need to get cross & pull rank more often?

Scooter? Has worked with my ds. If he messes around he doesn't get to use it the next day. I also give him a choice as to way we walk. He often choses on the way home to walk past a house which has a dog he likes often in the window. it's a bit further than just going straight, but it still makes us quicker.

Poor both of you really - he may seem to be ok, but the departure of Dad and the new baby on the horizon must be affecting him.
How about leaving home 10 minutes earlier in the morning and just letting him dawdle without pulling him up on it..? If it gets less attention he might stop doing it so much.
And have something to temp him to keep moving on the way home, is there any activity he especially likes - like baking, or watching a DVD together - and you could say to him, lets get home quickly tonight and we could do X together, or ask him if there is something he would like to do when you get back?
At times of need, I'm all for a bit of bribery - if lets go home via the sweet shop (if you don't play up) works, then do that.

TBH this is one where I would try to find a way to be patient - I wouldn't always manage it though, none of us would. it's such a nightmare. I think the umbrella idea was a really good one, and didn't mean he was in charge at all. Could you meet another parent and child on the way maybe, or offer to walk another child with him? If not, build in double time so that you're not under pressure (could you notify work that you may have to take an extra half hour or so for a few weeks?) take snacks and drinks and maybe something to sit on so that if he stops dead, you can just sit down, have something to eat, offer him something, chat normally, just generally reduce the emotional temperature.

Wow. Thank you all for being so quick and kind

Some great ideas thank you. I have tried tempting him with things at home which works sometime but not always. No sweety shop on way home from CMs - it's literally a 2 minute walk (that today took 25!)

I do let him choose which way to go and I have considered his scooter/bike but don't really want to carry the scooter/bike back home with me (cannot leave at school as the CM picks up)

Setting off early in the mornings sounds really hopeful and I will try that thanks (although blummin school opens at 8.30 here) as does walking with another parent/child.

I am never sure if I should take snacks with me - today I did have/offer apricots but he claims not to like them (hasn't had them for a while) and that just wound me up I'm afraid. I had to explain I can't magic food out of thin air and if we went home quickly we could get him something but he just couldn't understand this or was too stubborn. If I take 'nice' snacks he will see this as a treat surely and just do the 'stopping dead' behaviour more?

re: the umbrella - I got some really funny looks from other parents who were surely judging what I was doing with an umbrella up when it wasn't raining?!

My DD loves chewy mints and if I need to chivvy her along, I will say she can have another at (pick object in distance) the next tree, or the third lamppost (also encourages her to count and observe stuff!) which works quite well. If apricots won't cut the mustard you might need to pull out the buttons or smarties for a while. Use them to encourage him to keep moving rather than as a reward for stopping if you are worried about that.

My daughter loves it if I sing a donkey song, while she hops along pretending to be a donkey - I hate singing in public, and she knows it, so if she stops, I stop (I am a donkey too). I can live with a few funny looks if I get home.

Apart from that, I really wanted to say give yourself a break. You have just had an awfully bad patch , and you must be really tired. Getting cross when you have been messed about and physically drained isn't unforgivable.

Could you try chasing him with the tickle monster?

Funny looks - Never never never base your parenting on what you think other parents are thinking (hey we've all done it though!) Whenever I hear a parent being loudly punitive to their child I think that they are basically 'parenting to the gallery' - they are unsure of their ground and afraid of being judged. I sympathise (and remember it well) but wish we could all be more true to ourselves. At home most of us feel free to be a lot more patient. Pick your battles. Your child doesn't have a choice about going to the childminder/school/shops, who he goes with, when he goes, all sorts of things. He does have a choice about which umbrella to hold and whether it's up - good for you for giving him that choice. Who cares? What does it matter what he's wearing, carrying, whether you are both loudly singing 'How Much Is That Doggie In the Window' while doing the two-step with swimming trunks on your head and blue eyeshadow on your knees?

Re the snacks, tbh I was thinking about you! If you have got snacks and a seat you are likely to be find it easier just to get through that child-time journey with less stress.

Incidentally, I used my professional childcarers as a free source of parenting advice. What does your childminder do when she's out with him? Is he doing the same things with her ? (If he isn't, don't be cast down, children only behave like this with the people they REALLY trust and love).

Poor you I really feel for you.

Agree that if you can spare some more time, give yourself it and it will take the pressure off.

Also, is there anyone else who can take him/pick him up for you occasionally to give you a break? Have you got someone lined up for when you are in labour/new baby that could maybe start doing the odd day now for you?

Also, I sometimes get my Ds1 to count his steps as we are walking - he will count to 100 by which time, we are much nearer home than we were before he started counting

Thanks so much everyone, I'm so glad I posted. I really thought some people would say I need to walk off or make it clear I'm in charge (somehow) but this really is one battle I can't win through power/strength isn't it.

There's no-one else really can do the pickup/drop off at the mo. ExH used to do the drop off and suffered the dawdling too but he just kept striding on I think, I must ask him. I am generally a much softer touch and DS knows it.

I like the food to keep him going idea, will try that thank you. Also I will speak to my CM, she is great and he does not play up for her. Liking tickle monster too. DS got a watch for xmas from ExH, I need to figure out a way of getting him to keep an eye on that in the mornings without taking his coat/gloves so it's a "3rd party" keeping him moving not me

DS (4) also sometimes tries the trick of not walking, i always try and talk about other stuff, chat chat chat all the way home, yes I sometimes give him food - i pack a cheese sandwich in his bag, when he's hungry he really tries to be very very difficult, but i understand because i'm like that on an empty stomach, i just try and make him talk about something he likes - scooby doo is a good one and then he can just think and talk about that ...

Thanks for all the tips, I was feeling a bit more confident this morning and we had a good walk to school - set off on time (I tried to be early but it didn't happen!) and he was timekeeper by carrying his watch. I tried not to rush him, just walked at his pace which seemed to really help as he didn't dig his heels in at all - held hands all the way. Phew!

Kitchen timer could work well for us, thank you!

Yes my ExH gets very grumpy on an empty stomach, I don't myself so it's hard to understand how DS can get so cross! I call it Hanger (hunger/anger)

If you're walking in a built up area, we play the door game. I say " I think the (insert random number - largest you think you can get away with) fourth door is going to be...blue", they guess a colour and hey presto, run on to see if they're right or wrong, awarding points for success. Has worked for the last 3 years (although we all now secretly know what colour all the doors are painted so it's more or a memory game).