Advice with my 5 year old....please help.

[pinkdaisy]

I have 3 boys, aged 5, 2 and 4 months. I am really concerned about the behavior of my 5 year old, we have always had problems with him listening and being boisterous at home, and he can be very spiteful with my 2 year old, but in other ways he's very funny and loving and I try to praise him for all the wonderful things he does, but I feel like I am telling him off, shouting and nagging at him all the time. Since he started school in September he seems to have been in trouble with play fighting in the playground and other issues, which seemed to get better, but today when I collected him I was told that he's been worse since returning after the Christmas holidays and he seems to be the ring leader and troublemaker whenever there is trouble. I am so embarrassed and cross. I am a fairly strict Mummy, but there is something that i am obviously doing wrong. I am really upset thinking that no-ones parents are going to let him be friends with their children as he is a troublemaker. Helllllllpppppp.

Hi I work as a nurse looking after children with emotional and behavioural problems aged 4-12 and it normally tends to be boys who have trouble regulating their emotions which turns into difficult behaviour. At work we follow a programme called The Incredible Years written by Caroline Webster-Stratton www.incredibleyears.com You can get her book for a couple of pound of Amazon or your library and it's got some really helpful advice for dealing with challenging and difficult behaviour. Reading your post it could have been my 2 year old I was reading about as he is boisterous, shouts, really naughty but can be very loving and funny. I'm dreading how my little boy is going to progress as I find him exhausting! Good luck with your little ds :)

Are they not allowed to play-fight? Has he hurt anyone? I would want more details if it was my DS. Have you managed to have a sensible chat with him about what is going on? I really would avoid labelling him (and I think the school should too) as "the trouble maker". He is 5.

Is he getting over-excited with this boisterous play? Boys need this kind of play, but they need boundaries too- I would want to have a more detailed conversation (maybe you have) with the class teacher re how to manage his behaviour. Do you have good boundaries at home re this sort of behaviour?

On a different note, can you tweak your behaviour/response to him so that the negative stuff gets more ignored/ less attention and you build on some positive interactions so you have a more positive relationship in general. Good luck! Must be hard with a baby and a 2 year old too- I remember my 2 year old playing up when I had a baby, can be a way of grabbing Mum's attention.

I am having an interesting issue but more that the nursery are allowing this kind of boisterous play fighting and the boys in my sons class are getting too much in my opinion.
My first question to his teacher was, what else are you giving them to do? It may be worth asking how they are 'helping' him to play differently.
It's a bloody hard age!

I agree with Tgger. In school we use positive behaviour management where we try to give lots of praise/recognition for the things children do well and to ignore (where appropriate) the things that are negative. The children i work with love to please and will bend over backwards if they think they will get a sticker! Maybe a reward chart would be an idea?
Good luck! I completely emphathise the juggling act - i have 3dc's too!

PinkDaisy, I think you have my 5 year old? Mine actually is getting worse, pushing other children daily, being rude to teachers and us at home, and now has to sit with older year group at lunch times as the dinner ladies can't cope with him! I exactly the same as you (embarrassed and upset), we have worked very hard with the school to enforce their way of dealing with bad behaviour, which is rewarding anything good they do, but it really isn't working. Even his teacher with years of experience said to me last night that she is going to have to be harder on him. I feel sad about all of this as you do too, you are not alone and it must be very hard espcially as you have 2 younger children to cope with. I do hope someone comes up with a helpful suggestion, as I will read this post with much interest.
My only thing I can think of to say is, take one day at a time, and wipe out all things they have done the previous day away, or it builds up into a mountain which is hard to climb and its not fair on your child.
Good luck and chin up

Thank you all so much for your words of advice and comments, they really do mean a lot, and to know that I am not alone milkybarsrus makes me feel so much better. I love him so much, and it breaks my heart to say it, but sometimes I struggle to like the way he acts sometimes. We have the same rules at home and I am not a soft mummy at all, when I say something I stick by it and follow it through which, for me, sometimes make it harder as I feel I am not sure what else to do. They are very strict at his school with regards to play-fighting and it is not allowed under any circumstances. They said that he is not hurting any children and he is only play fighting with those that want to do it too, but he is instigating it all the time, therefore leading the others astray. I have arranged an appointment to sit down with the teacher and have a proper chat with her about it, as I find it confusing as the day that she spoke to me he had been placed on the happy face and had a sticker for his reading, so I get mixed messages. When I ask him why he has done something when he's been naughty, he just says he doesn't know. Thank you ohcluttergotme, I am definitely going to have a look at the book, I feel that advice from people working with behaviour issues is exactly what I need.
Thanks you all again, I can't tell you how much this website helps! and milkybarsrus you are right, I am trying to right off the day before and start the new day off fresh! Thanks so much!
Lx

I think they're a bit mad to ban play-fighting. That's kind of what boys do and need to do. They certainly do it at DS's school. He doesn't tend to do it but that's just his personality rather than anything else. Hmmmmmm- sorry that doesn't help your son's predicament. Clearly there have to be boundaries as you can't have children getting hurt but this hasn't been happening.

I remember my father visiting my nephew's school in Sweden and seeing him (age 6) in "a pile of boy" as he described it. The teacher just stood back, the boys were very happy being boys. Maybe a chat with the teacher on what is and isn't allowed re running around and rough play and then you can explain the rules to your DS- agree it would be helpful for him to have ways in which he can play without stepping over the boundary.

take a look here it might be useful wwwwix.com/kat575/the-parent-consultancy A friend has had great support and advice.

sorry www.wix.com/kat575/the-parent-consultancy

Thank you so much bakingmum2many, I am having a look right now! I think a lot of DS problem is that he doesn't listen or tune in when people are talking to him, somehow he zones it out and therefore misses information or instructions, which can be frustrating for myself and his teacher. Also with the play fighting, he has been told that he mustn't do this at school, but he loves it, therefore can't seem to help himself! He doesn't hurt anyone when doing it, and doesn't do it with children that don't want to do it, but he is always the one starting it! Any ideas how to make them tune in, it's like all noise to him is white noise!!!!! Have ordered the suggested book and am now on this website. I can't thank you all again for your help, support and advice. Not quite sure what I would do without this website!!!!!
Lx