How to cope and how to prevent my 5yr old's rages

[Chippychop]

Every so many months my ds has a meltdown, caused by something spurious. Just lately it's been getting more frequent.last week it was 3 times and we've just had one today.caused by me washing his hair when he wasn't expecting it. In these rages it's all aimed at me, the hitting kicking, the anger. It gets to a point where I hate the little brat and want rid of him. The first rage last week I lost it with him and shoved him outside for the bogey man to get him (awful awful I know) but let him immediately in through another door. The next rages I was ultra calm and I am consciously trying not to react because I know it's wrong. But I don't seem to be able to calm him down myself, he will calm down when his father comes in but he rarely is home before bedtime. My dh is a calmer person than me anyway. Ds says daddy gets angrier than me and he's "not bothered about what I say anyway". 97% of the time I have a model child, he's good at school, everyybodies friend, loves his childminder and vice versa, loves his sister and is generally an angel who is unrecognisable form this "monster"...whom I love dearly and it breaks my heart when we argue. What to do.....

Wanted to send you a hug and tell you that you're not alone. I have a just turned 6 year old who, when having a tantrum, will become very physical, and will throw himself (including his head) around - it hurts. I've been on the receiving end of blood noses, split lips, and lots of bruises. It's so hard to deal with, especially when he's in an environment that causes him danger - like the bathroom. I have been known to take 6yo out of the shower, wrap him tightly in a towel and place him on the floor, gently holding his head, so he can't bang it on the floor. It usually takes him a little while to calm down - 5 minutes or so, but the important thing is to keep them safe and keep yourself safe during the outburst. When he calms down, it's worth calmly telling him that you're going to finish hairwashing/whatever and finish the job. That way, he knows that a tantrum isn't going to end what's going on - it just makes it all go on for longer. When he's calmed down and the job is done, take some time away for yourself - put him somewhere safe, like his bed or the sofa with some TV, and when you've calmed down, debrief with him. A quick chat could involve some identification with his feelings - "I know you weren't expecting to have your hair washed, and that can sometimes be a worry, but you mustn't try and hurt mummy when she is trying to take care of you". I also follow up with a consequence for breaking one of our house rules (not hurting others) - you'll know what works best for your little one - mine knows he's in real trouble when he's not allowed out to play, but has to stay in his room and amuse himself, or when pudding is taken away. The key (apparently) is to be consistent and calm, and ensure that the consequences are proportionate.

That's the theory, but the reality is very different, as we both appreciate. Being hurt so much really eats away at you, and it's emotionally exhausting. It sounds like you're doing a lot of the work because of your husband being at work. It doesn't make you a bad mum to sometimes say that you're too angry to deal with him, and that you and Dad will talk about a consequence for him. Then let Dad deal out the consequence.

I'm wishing you luck in dealing with this - I know how hard it can be.

Ok, I wonder what has triggered the change in frequency of the rage. Every so often doesn't sound too bad but 3 times in one week sounds like something is going on. Any triggers- is he dealing with a change in any other area of his life?

Can you act sooner when he first displays the anger/rage. We have found this works best with DS. A very quick, stern voice and if necessary warning straight away re behaviour repercussions if he carries on and generally that is enough. There might be some talking through the issue that has caused the anger, but very simply "yes, I have to wash your hair now, sorry you weren't expecting it but we have to do it now as it needs doing,". Can he calm himself down if you act soon enough and separate him from you?

Tgger...I'm going to look harder for triggers and avoid them I think I could avoid some outbursts ie just not having a bath and washing hair...sometimes I do just change the plan but other times I think no I'm the mummy you can do what I ask...not really a consistent approach...he just laughs at my stern voice

Problem notwithstanding...ds has been complaining of headaches and as I read on a health website children rarely lie about having a headache...he looked v peeky so i kept him off school Tuesday...he fell asleep mid afternoon v out of character, he didn't want to go in today so off we trooped to the drs who thinks he may have a chest infection and has given us anti b's god knows how I' m going to get them down him but he fell asleep at 6 and is in bed still. I' m hoping this is the reason behind the latest outbursts but don't think I 've really sorted the problem

Ah, could well be. they're always monsters just before they get ill. Maybe that's why he didn't want anyone touching his head.

Generally, if there are trigger situations, can you use that trick of giving him lots of choice and control over every issue except the fact that it's happening. So, have to wash hair, do you want to do it in the bath or with shower attachment? Which shampoo smell is your favourite. Do you want to rub your fingers in your hair or shall I? etc. Especially let him choose the method of soap not running into his eyes.

One trick I learned was to agree with them. If he says he hates having his hair washed say 'Yes, it's horrible isn't it, because you get upset and I feel sad for you. But smelly hair is yucky, so...' and steer him to make a choice about which shampoo etc. Probably won't always work but might sometimes. It really worked for my two.

Yes, agree, before they get ill the behaviour can be horrendous then they get ill and you think "oh, that's what that was all about!!".

Hope he's better soon- when they're ill it all goes pear shaped IME.

Here's hoping!!! She said frazzled x

I think 6 was a difficult age with my son (he is 11 now). It sounds to me like maybe your lad is wanting to assert some independance and is being defiant. I think it is important that the roles remain clear - you're the parent, he's the child however i personally don't think the 'I'm boss' approach works. This is from my experience and believe me it has been a learning curve!

What I would suggest is perhaps letting him have a bit more control. For instance with the hair washing (firstly make sure it's not scary for him - my son hates having water in his eyes) let him do the shampooing. It might be frustrating for you because he may not do it right (mine still doesn't always wash it out!) but at least his hair will be washed and he will feel ok with it. Maybe let him choose his own shampoo, that sort of thing. Let him be more involved with decisions etc. Forewarn him about things too, for example 'ok it's bath time and we need to wash your hair'. I'm also a big fan on reward systems / sticker charts etc.

If it's hairwashing per se, we had terrible trouble with DD age 5. All the previous tricks helped but we finally cracked it by having her lie down in the water with her hair fanning out like a mermaid, trying to look upwards/backwards at the bath taps with me rinsing shampoo away painstakingly with cupped hands. Recently she has been covering her ears when she's underwater and has grown in confidence. I showed her with a dolly how the face stayed dry when the doll was on its back. I sympathise with you....

Thanks fusspot but no it's not just hair washing he's normally great with thatAnything could be a trigger.. One thing he does often shout when having a meltdown is "stop saying that word mummy" stop saying that rude word. I'm definitely not swearing or anything but I can't tie it down to a specific thing I am saying. I don't think he Can bear me telling him he is naughty or to be quiet etc It seems like he knows what he is doing is wrong but has gone so far down the line he doesn't know how to calm down. Tiredness seems to play a big part (probably on both sides!)

Quick update....ds has gone back to school after 4 days off with chest infection. I now have an angel at home. My plan is to read all the parenting books I bought from amazon, watch out for his triggers eg tiredness, hungry, dad away, back to school aft holidays and stay calm.