Help! I don't want meal times to be a battleground but am practically turning them into war zones :(

[summerlovebaby]

I'm so upset with myself..my 5 year old dd has always been a picky eater but now I'm at my wits end with her, she's losing weight and meal times are just getting worse. I've always refused to make special meals for my kids and they have to eat what's been cooked for everyone but that often means that I end up feeding my older one because she has sensory issues with food (we are Indian so we have lentils, curries, chapattis, veggies, nothing spicy). I do make her favourite foods a few times a week such as spaghetti etc. But she takes ages (an hour or two) at lunch and dinner. She dawdles and then her younger sister(having finished her food early) starts playing with her, or she starts making the 'tired' face.

What's upsetting me is that I'm just not able to handle the situation calmly. Today I threatened her with doctors and hospitals and whatnot and it got pretty ugly and she wouldn't stop crying :( then I ended up crying.

I need a simple plan and I'm also a bit confused....do I let her sit there until she finishes her food? Or do I set a time limit on the meal? Do I sit with her until she finishes or do I get up once I've finished eating and let her sit alone? I have done that but then she just dawdles even more.

Please help me, I'm turning into this obsessive mum forcing her child to eat and this way she will just end up with bigger issues later in life.
Thanks

If she is losing weight I'd say you have to look at this as a health issue rather than bad behaviour. If it was me I would give her the stuff she will eat more often, whether that means everyone eating it or special meals for her.

What about snacks, does she eat better while playing, reading, tv watching? I know some people feel they'd rather not encourage this but like I said if she is losing weight you need to counter that, perhaps she needs a more relaxed environment.

Also take her to the gp, they may be able to help. Perhaps she does need some tests to see if there is any underlying problem.

Sorry I didn't follower your op exactly is it the 5 yr old who has sensory issues?

This book is really good but the new edition is not out til next month. I have been there but with a younger child so I do know what a worry it is but you are right, you have to work on keeping calm. Deep breathing, count to ten, smile and then when they are in bed congratulate yourself on being the kind of mum you want to be.

Does she want to carry on eating or are you asking her to finish what's on her plate?

Is she actually losing weight or not maintaining her percentile curve in the red book?

My DD has always been borderline underweight. She had fussy eating issues as well. I also found that meal times were very stressful and it was horrible for everyone. I realised after a very long time that she was approaching the dinner table already feeling anxious. We put so much rpessure on her to eat because we were so worried about her. Eventually I realised that it just didn't work and was making things worse. It took a while to get my DH to agree to it but the plan was too back off completely. Just put the food in front of her and let her chose whether or not to eat it. Occassionally we encourage a bit, perhaps mention "why not try your potatoes etc" and then leave it at that.

It took a while for her to get used to the pressure being off and she doesn't magically now eat loads at every meal time but it also means she isn't going to grow up with food issues and anxiety about meal times which I felt was the way we were heading. Sometimes she eats a good meal, another time just one item on her plate, another time will just nibble. She's not going to fade away from one partially eaten meal every few days. We were advised by a nutritionist to not withhold desert if she doesn't eat much of her main meal and to never use food as a reward or a punishment. Food should never be connected to these things. The important thing is that they grow up with a healthy attitude to food. We were also advised to continue with giving her snacks.

My youngest is fussy too (I have no idea why they are both like it!) and I have taken the same approach and am hoping it will work. My youngest seems have a bit of a thing about textures at the mo.

I always make sure there is at least one thing that each of my dcs like on their plates, although they change their minds all the time so the goalposts are always moving! Like you I don't make completely different meals for them but makes sure that each meal isn't completely new to them.

Not sure if this helps.

Oh and I also give them vitamins just in case and put my dd on school dinners. I found that the peer pressure encouraged her to try foods she wouldn't have otherwise.

Following the thread, dd (4yo) is also a fussy eater. We're currently asking her to eat a certain portion of her food before she gets a treat/pudding afterwards but now not sure whether its a good thing though it gets her to eat a full portion of the things we know she likes, e.g. pasta.

DS1 (4) is in the lowest centile area for weight. I asked the paediatrician what to do to build up his weight (he is a VERY picky eater). She said to give him what he will eat, and build up the calories in it (e.g. mashed potato larded with butter, full-fat milk, grated cheese etc.)

I think that for some children, 'picky' eating is not a behavioural issue but a genuine sensory problem with food.

For what it's worth, the paed praised us for not making an issue of his food, and just giving him what he will eat and slowly working to gently widen that. She says that when food becomes a battleground, worse issues can result.

It is quite tedious having to make a special extra item at dinner, but not the end of the world, and hopefully not forever - he is showing some signs of improvement.

Many on MN froth at the mouth at the thought of giving a child their way on this, but those who have had a child like this tend to realise it's not a matter of 'breaking their will'.

Many on MN froth at the mouth at the thought of giving a child their way on this, but those who have had a child like this tend to realise it's not a matter of 'breaking their will'.

I completely agree. So many times I have read on here thoughtless comments by people who have no idea what it's like to have a fussy eater dc. I also agree with gradually expanding what they will eat.

I agree with everything redriding wolf has said. If it helps I was the most horrendous eater, even up until my teens but now i eat pretty much anything put in front of me!

Could you switch to 5 smaller meals a day so she doesn't have to eat so much in one sitting? Say breakfast, midmorning, lunch, late afternoon and then evening and maybe supper too?

I agree that losing weight makes it a health issue, but understand that you are nervous about making food a battleground or control issue.

Are there any high calorie healthy foods she likes, such as bananas or avocado?

Not to cause alarm, but you need to take the pressure off pronto and change your behaviour at mealtimes or you will have a serious issue on your hands. If you have made mealtimes scary for a young child, you are setting her up for failure. There is no way a scared child will eat.

I have personal experience - horrendous mealtimes/shouting/pushing face in plate from very young age and a resulting eating disorder before I was 10.

Go to a child psychologist/dietician now and sort it out. And if there is anything your child is happy to eat, for everyone's sake, just give in and make it.

Thank you blackswan i needed to hear that. I have taken the pressure off now and intend to keep it that way. I was myself traumatised by this episode :(

Thanks Everyone for your input and advice, yes it is becoming a health issue and so I've decided to give her what she likes to eat and try and build on that.

I found this book When Your Kids Push Buttons really useful to help me work out why I'd get so worked up about certain things and not others. Might be worth a try.

thanks camdancer.