Advice on Highly Sensitive Child

[funnyfeet]

I suspect my 5 year old son is a "highly sensitive child". He scored highly on the online test, and I am wondering what to do next.

Would it help to speak to his teacher or ask the School nurse for advice? His teacher has spoken to me a few times about incidents that have upset him. She is lovely but seemed a little bewildered by why he should have got so upset. I haven't mentioned the HSC to her as am unsure if it is a recognised description or if she would think I am being precious!

I have recently bought the book about HSC. I read the first chapter and found myself nodding my head in amazement, as it was describing my son! I haven't read anything that advises how best to deal with him yet though!

Can anyone offer any advice please? I presume I need to read the book and follow any advice it offers but I'm struggling to get into it now I have put it down!!

Hi. I bought this too for my son, and didn't get very far. Some of this stuff was VERY MUCH him, and my dd. My other ds is so far the other way it's untrue. Very interesting though. To know it's not just in my perceptions or my parenting. I don't think it is recognised by teachers and they may think you are being precious. We had a terrible time with Reception year, and I finally went to see the head in May, as my ds was waking regularly at 5, (sometimes 4.30) and behaving badly, very withdrawn, but was much more himself in the holidays. I could tell she thought I was being precious and said, 'Well his teacher says he is fine and happy in school'!!! (I am not a precious parent btw). Funnily enough, 2 or 3 days after he had a massive meltdown in school to the extent that the teacher had to throw water in his face to calm him down . Anyway, he is more settled this year in Y1. He has a brilliant teacher. But he is sensitive/ easily stimulated/ finds it hard to wind down, and the early waking is still there during schooltime, though more sporadic. He seems a lot happier than last year, so I am leaving the waking unless I see other signs of stress and unhappiness. I have said to the teacher that he's very sensitive, even though he doesn't appear it. (He's not much of a crier, but he internalises it all). I think that's enough.

I think the main things I am trying to with him are:
a) not get stressed myself about him as he can pick it up very easily
b) really try and boost his confidence (it took a big knocking last year and he can be quite insecure)
c) accept him for who he is, and not get stressed out/ frustrated by it!
d) get him to verbalise emotions and speak about how he is feeling. As a bit of an HSP myself, I felt my Mum very much squashed my emotions and didn't help me explore or express them, which was quite damaging. I am trying to get him to be able to do this, and to accept what he says, eg. "I feel very jealous of my brother" not say, "Well you shouldn't" etc. There is another book, "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" which is really good for getting kids to talk. I think this is so important.

Thank you for replying. It is reasuring to hear there are other children similar!

My son also wakes early, especially during term time! The first week back after any holiday, he is especially bad, and has also been known to wake at 4.30am! He did this throughout Reception, having phases of occasionally waking at 4.30, but regularly waking at 5-5.30. As a result he was exhausted and it affected his behaviour. I think (hope!) we are just coming out of the phase of very early waking after going back after xmas. He woke at 6.45am this morning, which is the latest he has ever woken on a school morning!

I have only recently realised that I was a HSC. I have grown out of it now, but can remember what life was like as a child, and think of this when my son gets upset. My Mum sounds very similar to yours!
My son bottles up his feelings and has started having tantrums, which I presume are his outlet! He also lashes out at me. I try and encourage him to talk about his feelings too, but he finds this hard and has to be in the right mood. He gets very focussed on what he is doing, and it takes me several times of asking him to get his attention!

He also has low confidence and gets upset when I tell him off for something, panicking and saying that I don't love him anymore, etc. His confidence at school is fine when it comes to something he can do and is good at, but if he finds something difficult or a struggle, he gets very upset (when he is home) and says he's rubbish. He finds sports difficult as he is naturally not a fast runner or a goal scorer, and gets very upset afterwards.

I do think I need to think about the way I speak to him. Generally I am patient and gentle with him, but my patience does wear thin at times!

Thank you for the book recommendation, I shall see if our library have it in!

Wow, he sounds really similar to my ds1, although his waking tends to get worse and worse as term goes on, or whether it has to do with his friendships at school, or whatever, even something like being told off at school. Once after school, him and a friend got asked by a teacher to get down from a piece of equipment which they were not supposed to be on. She asked very nicely and it wasn't a telling off. My ds1 was looking down and kicking something on the ground, looked like he was not listening to teacher. After I had a word with him about looking at people when they are talking to you, and he went ballistic, just screaming and crying that he's rubbish and no-one loves him. His reaction was so over the top, I realised that he actually couldn't look at the teacher because he was so upset (even though she wasn't even angry). He hasn't had one of those "I'm rubbish" episodes for a while, but they were pretty upsetting for both of us. At the same time as being an HSC, he does need boundaries! I realise that he needs the boundaries enforced in a calm way ie. if I get angry he finds it a lot harder than if he just has a consequence as a result of doing something wrong. I try and tell him that when people tell him off it doesn't mean they don't like him (this includes at school).

My ds is quite 'young' for his age, but this is not always the case with HSC's. He also gets very, very focussed on certain activities, but others he is very unfocussed. I now have another ds (who is 3) and the difference in them is remarkable. It's made me realise how 'different ds1 and his sister are from other kids. My ds1 (the HSC) has to be told 5x to do something, he is genuinely not concentrating, he lives in a bit of a dreamworld I think. He's always putting his clothes on backwards, shoes on wrong feet. I was interested that HSC's take longer to potty train as they both took ages. Dd is a twin and usually girls train more quickly, but she has already taken nearly a year longer than ds2. She also has huge emotional outbursts.

Anyway, good luck! And with the teachers. You could always schedule a meeting and say that you are realising some stuff about your son, how he operates etc...but you don't need to mention the word 'HSC'.

hi there
I have some niggles that my 4.5 yr old may be quite sensitive - but having trouble wondering if it s normal or slightly not so normal.
Could I jump in and ask what online test and what book for HSC you are using?

Ds is my first born, like you referr to becomes extraordinarily upset with the littlest of things and personalises things (like if we couldnt go swimming as pool was closed - thought it was his fault...)
I m not especially overstrict ..... but I do think i was/am quite sensitive myself and some of the stuff you all say about not being acknowledged by own parents rings so true... however i dont want to assume that my feelings are D S s feelings and that if he s having meltdowns that it s cos he s sesitive (maybe it s normal...) though we try to outrule tiredness/ hunger/ etc
his sister is a totally different personality
Sorry i sound all a little muddled about it, but i ve had concerns about ds a while now, have how to talk book and find some of the thigns help.. but in truth ds is sometimes exhausting if he s on a day where he s especially demanding/sensitive
the huge emotional outburtst (over relatively small incidnets) are so difficult to manage sometimes I would love to know any books or other tips. Hope you dont mind my hijacking your tread too...

MerryMarigold- Ds also gets into a panic if he thinks he is going to be told off at school! Our sons sound very similar! I meant to say before, I was very shocked at the teacher throwing water in your ds face! How did he react? I think that would have really distressed my son.

A recent reaction that my ds has started doing is hitting himself on the head. I find it very upsetting. For example he asked for a chocolate bar and I said no, it wasn't long ago you had a biscuit and dinner will be ready soon. He then hit himself repeatedly on the head berating himself, and crying "Oh I shouldn't have had that biscuit, why did I do that?"

I have decided not to arrange a meeting with the teacher as he seems to be doing ok at school at the moment. We have parents evening next month, so I may ask for an extra 5 minutes to ask how he is getting on socially and emotionally, as well as academically.

Theseventhdwarf- this is the online test I did. I found it a good starting point, and also very reassuring that there was a recognised description of my son's behaviour, so hopefully some advice on how to deal with it!
www.hsperson.com/pages/test_child.htm

I also have a dd who is totally different to my ds. She is younger than him, and I didn't realise how ds reacted so differently to situations compared to other children, until I had dd!

This is the book I have
www.amazon.co.uk/Highly-Sensitive-Child-children-overwhelms/dp/0007163932/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1326816374&sr=8-1

Good luck!

My ds seemed ok about the water incident...I think he was in such a state before it that he couldn't have got any worse. Apparently it worked to snap him out of it (I can imagine). He was going through such a hard time (his best friend was asking bigger kids to hit him) that this was negligible really compared to how he felt about being rejected by friend (hence complete meltdown about something silly like lego being put away). But he internalises things so much so you never know what's up with him. Like he would never say he is worried about being told off, but he will just act up/ be very silly/ mess about/ be very disobedient if he is worried about something like that - or as in the incident I observed with the teacher, he went ballistic when I gently told him he needed to look teacher in the face. He didn't cry that he was told off, that would be a bit easier I think, for the teachers and me. It's so hard to see through all his odd behaviours! Tonight he was very wound up, couldn't sleep. I got into bed with him and had to clamp his legs down with mine and pretend to go to sleep.

I can understand that. I feel for your ds, it sounds like he went through a really tough time. I find it very hard to see my son struggling to cope with certain situations. There are a few in particular that I will always remember and my heart aches for him even now. I'm a bit nervous to list them in case anyone I know reads this and recognises me!

Since I first posted the other day, I have been making a conscious effort to think about the way I speak to him. I definitely need some guidance so will look into getting the book you suggested. Thank you again!

funnyfeet, can I ask if your son gets teased at all? I see my son getting teased or talked down to as he is a bit behind some of the bright kids in reading/ writing (below average) and the teasing seems to wash over him, but I don't think it does deep down. I think he gets affected by it because he's sensitive. I wish he would cry and I could comfort him, or know what he's being affected by.

I honestly don't know to what extent he is teased. I have witnessed him twice recently, having little comments made to him by 2 boys.
The first comment was about not going somewhere with the boys. It seemed to wash over him but I suspected he worried about it afterwards. The second and most recent one was about his shoes being different. He collapsed into me sobbing that time.
He often tells me he wants to be the same as everyone else and doesn't like people looking at him. I don't think he is being bullied though. He doesn't have a special friend, but he flits around different groups at school.

How distressing to think of your son being treated the way he is. Are the school good at dealing with it?

It's nothing as far as being bullied. Things like the kid we walk to school with who says, "Oli has to choose EASY books, he can't read the difficult books like me." or "Oli's still on THAT level of books." Or, "You're rubbish at making paper airplanes." It's all boys, rubbish, competitive stuff...but just with a sensitive child I think it hurts.

I agree, the comments can be very hurtful, especially to a child with low self esteem. I find it hard to boost my sons confidence. I praise him a lot and we are very loving and affectionate towards him. But he is a perfectionist who wants to be good at everything. When something doesn't go how he hoped he has a meltdown, and starts berating himself. This happens in everything from a picture he's drawn or writing a letter backwards, to trying to ride his bike without stabilisers.
Lately, he has started going to his bedroom and climbing under the duvet if he is upset about something, mainly if he doesn't get his own way. I'm seeing changes in his behaviour as he is getting older.

My dd who's 3yrs 8mths is a hsc. As a baby she was a lot of work. If people even looked at her she would start screaming. I used to have to walk about trying to get her to sleep during the night and sometimes sleep sitting up with her against me. The maximum she slept during the day was 20mins.

She just started nursery/preschool a month ago and she still hasn't talked to other children. She talks to her teacher on some days. She complains about music where they learn nursery rhymes/songs saying it's too loud and apparently the music teacher and the music room smells! The teacher also says she holds her hands over her ears. She won't try P.E saying again the children are too loud and the P.E teacher's whistle is too loud and she's scared of falling over. She's too scared to go swimming. She says one of the little boys keep squeezing her cheeks and arms and I'm trying to get her to be assertive and raise her voice at him but if she won't talk that's not likely to happen! The teacher also says she cries when others touch her. Maybe I should talk to the teacher about this boy because my dd keeps talking about him a lot and how she's scared of him and keeps asking me if he will be at school tomorrow. She also seems to notice smells that I don't notice at all! Also has a real problem with gagging when eating or brushing teeth (has even thrown up as a result). Prefers plain food like only butter on her sandwich.
She's started asking me questions like will I die/will u die/i don't want you to die because I can't be without you. Keeps worrying about this and I have gently explained we all die one day but I won't be dying anytime soon.
She has a bit of a problem with labels and scratchy clothes. Gets startled very easily and come running even when I raise my voice to call someone in the other room.
If I shout at her she gets very very upset and sobs and sobs. Afterwards she keeps saying she's sorry and am I angry at her. I'm trying hard to not shout at her and recently I explained to her if you listen to me when I say something for the first few times then I won't have to shout at you and she's starting to listen.
When I take her to the park she won't go on anything but just sits there watching the other kids. She's very cautious about crossing road(which probably has one car going by every half hour) climbing, etc. Won't try anything new. When we attend a big function she won't say a word to anybody and hides her face on my lap and people wonder if she can talk!

Have you thought about getting a referral through your GP to a Paediatrician?

In my honest opinion, 'highly sensitive child' is a bit of a wooly term. It is much better to focus on specific issues and find strategies for dealing with those than apply a blanket term that isnt clinically sound to a child's behaviour.

Hi Funny Feet,
The advice provided sounds positive and I would also add that you should be quite strict on the foods that you give your son. Any junk food should be taken out and especially sweets. It could be that your child has a "hypersensitivity syndrome" or maybe your child has an intolerance for certain foods/ additives etc. Another idea is to keep a food+ behaviour diary and see if a pattern emerges when he eats particular foods. Hope this helps

NAV80 your little girl sounds alot like my 8 year old boy..he does talk in school but is also very quiet and won't do anything to attract attention to himself like put his hand up in class..today we took him to a birthday party he'd been looking forward to all week, he was excited to go even on the way there, but as soon as we walked in and he saw the party itself he totally went to pieces, went quiet, buried his head into me and just cried..he wouldn't even talk to me when I took him away from the situation and tried to talk to him..he just turned into a complete emotional zombie...I'm so totally stuck and have no idea what to do for him..I feel so sad to see him unable to cope with things and I dread to think what it must be like for him when he sees other kids as confident and secure with situations he just cannot handle.. I was really shocked to see what happened today as I really thought he'd grown out of this..I'm lost as to where to go from here..:(

Keeping a check on what food my son eats is an interesting idea.

I spoke to his teacher, who contacted the school nurse, and she referred me to a family support worker. She says he has behavioural issues, and they may offer some good advice in the first instance. I have an appointment this week, I'm looking forward to hearing what she has to say but I'm not feeling too hopeful. My son is very complex and very difficult to describe! She needs to meet him and see him at his worst!

Nav80 my son was quite similar when he started nursery. He didn't start interacting with the other children until the end of his year at nursery. He constantly covered his ears with his hands, finding various instances too noisy. He has definitely improved socially since then. My daughter is the same age as yours, and she is very different to how he was.

Katiecoocoo, so sad for your ds. It must be a lot harder as they get older. I understand what u mean about how excited he was about the party beforehand. My daughter keeps telling me she wants one of the kids to come home and play with her and keeps getting excited about what fun it will be but obviously she hasn't actually talked to any of the kids to make a friend! I might try to chat to a parent and see if I can invite a child over.
Funnyfeet, The 'too loud' complaint has been somewhat dealt with....I gave her cotton wool to put in her ears during music and P.E! She doesn't sing in the class but comes home and sings to me. Hope she does improve at least a bit given time!

nav80 - you have described my DD. I have thread running if interested

To the OP & anyone that commented on this, did your children outgrow it? My dd is the same & I'm at my wits end!