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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Ds1, aged three, not listening to us or anyone for that matter. What can I do to stop this?

33 replies

Soccermom2 · 15/01/2012 21:19

Ds1 has just turned three. He is full of divilment and always up to something. He's not all bad, he's very kind, well mannered and good tempered but he just couldn't give a toss about getting into trouble. He will not listen to us unless he is going to lose a privilege or toy.

Today we were at a soft play centre. There's a massive wavy slide going down the centre of the hall, he stopped half way down the slide and stood up and tried to walk back up the slide but was holding everyone up. Dp was making his way over and the staff were all calling him but he just stood there laughing and wouldn't budge.. Eventually he came down coz dp threatened to take him home. He is just so disobedient sometimes. He sees everything as a joke.

Normally when he doesn't listen, I will threaten to take him home or take a toy away and I'll give him the choice and count to three and he will listen but not until I'm just at three! I just wish I didn't have to threaten him each time, I wish he would just listen to me first time without all the threats, is this normal for his age group?

His playschool teacher said he's good in class but he just seems to have no respect for authority, how do I teach him this??

OP posts:

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exoticfruits · 16/01/2012 00:49

He is a normal 3 yr old.Of course they only want to do what is fun for him at the time.
With the slide-you take him off and you hold him firmly on your knee and make him watch. You explain that he was spoiling it for others who wanted their turn. You ask him if he wants to go back on. When he says yes you explain that he can BUT if he doesn't join in the way the other children are doing it you will take him off again and he will sit on your knee -and do it.
If he is good in class he can do it if he has firm boundaries.
If you are out-tell him before you go that you will remove him if necessary and do it.

lisaro · 16/01/2012 00:53

Did your DP take him home, or just threaten to? In that situation we would've been out of there immediately.

Original poster

Soccermom2 · 16/01/2012 10:21

No we didnt take him home, Dp said to him 'If you dont come down the slide now, were going home' and he came straight down.

Lisaro, Would you not give a warning first?

Maybe we should just do 'one strike and your out' rule with no warning. Maybe a few times of doing this and he will know not to even chance his luck.

It just drives me mad having to bribe him to stop doing something. I thought at this age, the thought of getting into trouble would be enough to mak him think before he gets up to no good...

OP posts:

MerryMarigold · 16/01/2012 10:29

I have 2 ds's and my second is just like this. I am not used to it! The first one is no angel, but he is not deliberately disobedient, just rather unfocussed. The second ds, well...as you say, only if he loses privileges does it bother him. I am starting to focus again on obedience as we did this before in the summer and he improved a lot. He gets stickers if he is generally obedient twice a day (morning/ afternoon and bedtime).

He gets 3 warnings or a count to 3 on certain things such as 'please put your shoes on' (non urgent) or 'time to go up to bed now' but he gets no warnings on 'stop' commands eg. 'stop hitting your sister' or 'stop throwing bits of paper on the floor'. Immediate consequence for those ones, be it time out or a removal or something he likes (no TV for a while, no Nerf gun etc.).

Hang in there. Focussing on it does it improve it. In other ways he is a golden child, very clean, very careful, quick learner whereas the other 2 are more obedient but scatty, clumsy and unfocussed.

Davsmum · 16/01/2012 11:35

I think he sounds perfectly normal and is pushing boundaries and challenging you. So long as you carry out any 'threats' or warnings, He will learn there is no point in disobeying you.
It helps if you let him know what behaviour you expect and then if he does something you do not want - issue the warning and then carry it out.
Don't argue or negotiate - just make him do what you have said by physically stopping/removing him if necessary.

Original poster

Soccermom2 · 16/01/2012 12:03

Thank you for all advice. I think your right merrymarygold I need to focus more on obedience. I do praise him alot but I might get the star chart out again. He is a lovely boy, hes really really kind and never has a problem sharing his toys sweets with anyone and he never has tantrums, he is just a little divil! And he gets away with it with other people because he is very funny about it. I dont find it funny because he is my child but friends and family cant help laughing at him when he does these things.

I am going to say it to both his grannys to just ignore the messing and let me deal with it. IT very hard to get him to take me seriously when he gets a laugh out of people for doing these things.

His little brother is 2 and is starting to copy some of ds1s behaviour so i need to nip it in the bud quickly!

OP posts:

smee · 16/01/2012 12:12

Soccermom, I know it's not always possible, but have you tried just walking away? Half of what they do is to test/ wind you up/ etc. If you take that away it a) gives you time to calm down! and b) takes away most of the reason they're doing it. I used to warn my son if he kept doing x,y,z I'd go. If he didn't stop, I'd go up to our little office and read a book. To get me back he had to come and say sorry. Still do it sometimes now and he's 7!

Original poster

Soccermom2 · 16/01/2012 12:19

Yes i would try that. I agree most of his bad behavior is to get a reaction out of me. I try to just be firm and give as little attention as possible. i will try it although he is usually very well behaved when i am playing with him. It is usually when i am with friends or just cleaning the house that the bad behavior starts. He is obviously just looking for my attention but sometimes i cant give it! I do play with him every day and i make sure to have one on one time with him when ds2 sleeps....

I will try all the suggestions from here, love mumsnet! Thanks : )

OP posts:

GlueSticksEverywhere · 16/01/2012 12:23

lisaro You would just pick him up and take him home because he was sitting on a slide, without any sort of warning?!

OP He sounds like a normal 3 year old. Mine is going through the same stage, except mine doesn't care about rewards stickers or taking things away etc. It's very frustrating but it won't last forever. I think you are doing the right things.

MerryMarigold · 16/01/2012 13:18

Gluesticks, there must be something he cares about! I would be careful about saying it won't last forever. If it's not dealt with, it actually gets worse and you end up with a rude and insolent 6 year old.

GlueSticksEverywhere · 16/01/2012 13:27

Merry She is dealing with it! That's why it won't last forever!

MerryMarigold · 16/01/2012 13:28

I know she is. I was talking to you!

Davsmum · 16/01/2012 13:44

I know what you mean Merrymarigold,.. I keep seeing comments like 'it won't last forever' or 'its just a phase' but unless these issues are dealt with effectively - they can become worse and last a long time,.. However, Gluesticks was talking about the OPs situation not lasting forever ?

Original poster

Soccermom2 · 16/01/2012 13:47

Come on, no fighting or ill take away your mumsnet..1...2....3!

Gluestickseverywhere Ds1 has only recently started caring about taking away toys. In the last few weeks he now has a few fave toys like a big annoying buzz lightyear. He hates to not have access to him even if he wasnt playing with him to begin.

He doesnt care much for stickers though so i dont think star chart will work for him. I might get some fancy toy story stickers this weekend and try it with them.

OP posts:

MerryMarigold · 16/01/2012 13:58

Sorry Gluesticks

Oh yeah, the theme stickers work a treat (try pound shop). Not sure with my ds if it was cos his siblings really into them but once there's a few on the chart he gets excited.

Original poster

Soccermom2 · 16/01/2012 14:34

Do you give a treat for so many stickers? I did it before for ds1 and he lost interest by the end of the week. Maybe i will buy a few little rewards and give one for every 5 stickers.

Hes being really good today. He really can be so sweet. I picked him up from playschool this morning and he was so sweet asking me questions like 'did you and ds2 have a nice day? i really missed you, have you any news?!' He just gets ahead of himself sometimes when he gets excited and its like he just cant help it and gets really impulsive.

OP posts:

GlueSticksEverywhere · 16/01/2012 14:54

Yes I was talking about OPs situation not lasting forever. Although it won't with mine either! (fingers crossed) I have to think very carefully with mine as if you say I'm going to take a toy away he just says "ok then" I've had to find the things he really cares about! (Batman, Batman and er Batman)

GlueSticksEverywhere · 16/01/2012 14:55

Soccermom2 Yes a treat at the end of the row. If he loses interest quickly perhaps have shorter rows for now.

Davsmum · 16/01/2012 15:10

Gluesticks,.. Ha ! - I love it when they surprise you with stuff like that,..saying, 'OK then' - brilliant ! Knocks you back a bit !

lisaro · 16/01/2012 15:13

Hi, firstly, he'd behaved very inappropriately and he knew it, so yes, we would have gone, and secondly, he had been asked/told to get down by the helpers so a warning by then was maybe too late. I think what you said about having a zero tolerance policy so he learns not to chance it so much is probably the best thing to do. He's very probably not a bad boy, but it sounds like he's no inbuilt boundaries and so needs to be taught them, and the earlier, the easier on all of you, especially him.

Original poster

Soccermom2 · 16/01/2012 15:22

Lisaro I know what you mean, i think you are right. Some children need stricter boundaries and he seems to be one of them. we had been giving one warning then go ahead with whatever the threat was but i think i will tighten up for a while. We are going to the park this afternoon and I am going to warn him of the behavior i expect before we go and im not giving him any chances if he acts up. Lets see how we get on...

OP posts:

GlueSticksEverywhere · 16/01/2012 15:22

Davsmum Yes is does knock you back! With the sticker chart, if I tell him that unless he does abc he won't get a sticker he'll shrug! I think the more incentive there is the less he wants to do it. Stubborn streak!

lisaro · 16/01/2012 15:30

Good luck, you sound very caring, it'll be sorted eventually, it worked with DS3 for me (what a shock he was after the other two!).

MerryMarigold · 16/01/2012 16:18

With our sticker chart, sticking the stickers himself was a great incentive...

MerryMarigold · 16/01/2012 16:19

...oh, and he didn't get anything. Was going to do a present, but seemed like stickers were working on their own. There was a bit of sibling competitiveness though. Time to resurrect it, methinks.

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