DS, 3, screaming is driving me mad, help!

[twinklingfairy]

He has taken to screaming until he gets his own way, actually this is an old tactic and has always worked quite well for him.
I know, I am rubbish.
But I need to stop being rubbish but don't know how!

The latest thing is to shout No I don't want that, when I offer/suggest something.
Lets say, I say, shall we take the scooters to go get DD?
No, he says, I want to take the car.
scenario 1: Sometimes I insist that it wil be fun to take teh scooters and get us organised to go. He will then scream all the way there and half way home before he will calm down (used to be the same when we walked, I figured scooters might be more fun cut down the screaming time)
Scenario 2: I figure we are running a little late so I agree lets take the car. Start getting him in the car and he starts screaming, Nooo I want to take the scooter! and will scream all the way there and half way home that he wanted to take the scooter.
Basically if you suggest something, he doesn't want it, so you try to figure out what does he want, he tells you so you figure ok, that is fine too, but then he doesn't want that, he wants what you first suggested and starts screaming for it as if I am the big bad witch who took it from him....eh?
So it doesn't matter what I do, my child is thrawn and is just going to scream no matter what I do.

RLF smuggly pranced along next to us one day singing 'We skIp to school, don't we darling' as if I could just easily placate my child with distraction.
It does sound like a good idea, but once DS is in a gee there ain't nuthin getting him out of it. Trying to get him to skip or 'lets sing a song' when he is in a temper at DD assembly (christmas one) is jut Not going to work.
I have tried them. I have tried shouting, obviously that didn't work. I have tried talking calmly, but he just continues with his screaming.
I have tried smacking his bottom and do you know it worked, but I Do not want to be the mother who has to constantly smack her child to get him in line. It just isn't right but when I am at the end of my tether and about to explode in public..............

My boy is out of control and I don't know how to help him.
All I am left with is ignoring it until it stops, which it does, eventually and he will say he is sorry for 'his noise' and that he loves me.
But, jee wizz, I can't keep going like this can I?

Sounds exhausting.
No idea if this will work but maybe he just can't cope with making decisions yet. I would try, especially if you are on a deadline like school run, telling him rather than asking - and if he is unimpressed offer some reward for being good - sticker or something. Ignore the bad behaviour, praise the good. I wouldn't give him any attention whilst he is screaming at all.

It will pass, he will work out sooner or later that he's putting in a massive amount of energy for very little gain.

wait until you have accidentally 'cutted up a pear' :)

Contrariness is the nature of the beast, i am afraid, and your friend did have a stab at distraction, which often works.

Ignore ignore ignore screaming, but praise him every time he behaves well

This too shall pass

Don't make suggestions.

Don't ask him what he wants to do.

Don't offer him choices.

He is not coping with it and feels overwhelmed.

He needs you to be in control, because it is very scary for a small child to feel that his carer is not in control. It makes him feel unsafe.

If you then smack him, he is actually going to get worse, not better.

Try to get into the habit of telling him calmly and quietly what is happening next. Then stick to it. He will then begin to feel that you are in charge, he will feel secure.

Hope that makes sense.

LOL at cutting up pear wrong - once had full on screaming for a 15 min car journey because I wouldn't let my then 3yo drive. Outraged she was.

I can see where you are coming from but sometimes the tempers aren't about my offering a choice but about him refusing what I am saying we are going to do.
It is completely random, or it feels that way.
Today, at the supermarket, he said he needed a pee. So I started to take him but he kicked off because he didn't want me to come with him. So I popped him into the cubicle beside me (the toilets were empty and only 2 cubicles anyway) so that he could 'do it myself' but no, he started banging on the door screaming that he wanted to go alone, I want to lock it, I don't want a pee, don't need a pee.
By this point further people had, of course, come in to use the loos, I was in the other desperately trying to sort myself out so I could sort him out and let them in etc
Got him sorted took him out to wash his hands, he didn't want to. A nice lady offered hand wash stuff. I gratefully accepted but DS did not. I had to prise his hand open. He then, of course, screamed that he wanted to wash his hand and didn't want to leave the loos.

So I just had to march him out of there, past all the check outs, with every single one looking on and out to the car, where he proceeded to continue his screaming half way home.

Because it comes at me from all directions but at any given time and can't be dealt with in any particular way other than just ignoring and keeping on moving, I am Never prepared, Always floored and flummoxed.
The one thing I am not is embarrased. I don't give a stuff who sees him screaming, I figure it is just the way a 3 year old behaves, on occasion, but I am getting a little fed up that it is so much and that I am not able to stop it or feel in control.

I have a 3 year old child who does this but he also has problems with anxiety and we are seeing professionals about it. So probably more serious than your son but the scenarios sound VERY familiar.

the best approach is what 3 little frogs said.

Treat it like a panic attack when it is actually happening. ie. you can't magiclly disappear it but be there for him and stay calm.

HTH

Weirdly going to the toilet is also a trigger point for DS. I think it is about transitions and irreversible decisions.

LOL at Wonderstuff!

It is very difficult to stay calm when you want to knock 'is block off for being crazy I have to go into a sort of lock down mode where I just have to ignore it all until he stops so that my own anger doesn't get the better of me.
I know that is awful to admit but it really gets me because it feels so unmanageable

I think staying calm can mean ignoring him. sometimes it is the only way.

But if you say to people that you had to put your DS to his bed because he just wouldn't calm down and it was about half an hour before he did. They look so shocked But even if he has calmed down before that, though if he has really gone into one, it really can take that long. I can still need that time to make sure that I am calm. By that I mean, when he is done shouting and screaming, I need a few moments of calm before I want to go near him.

Actually, reading that back. Most of his outbursts are out and about and we normally have a 10-15 minute car journey during which he normally calms down.
I think, for DS, it is a control issue. He has always wanted to be in control. My mother has said it often enough.
If I warn him about what is going to happen, he can normally deal with it. But if things change suddenly he gets worked up quite badly.
But there again, he can take a gee over very little at times in order to try to get his own way. Those are handleable though.
But do you know, because of the big ones, the little ones are like wee triggers that you are part fearful of it turning into a big one and part, already, getting angry at the knowledge that I am going to be unable to deal with it.