Held hostage by my 2 year old

[Waytooslow]

Hi

I have a lovely, bright, independent 2 year old DS. He goes to nursery full time and loves it. However, he is very clingy to me at home to the point where I feel like he is holding me hostage in my own home. He won't let me out of his sight, and if I do get up to do go into the kitchen, or go to the loo, he starts whining and dragging me back into the room to read to him or play with him.

Last night I was trying to pack a few clothes for a family holiday with my DH, and was talking to DH about it (for about 2 minutes), and my DS started banging his head on the wall to get me to pay him attention. He does this a lot.

I have an evening class one night a week and I have to go home before DS gets home from nursery, grab something to eat and eat it in my bedroom and sneak out of the house without DS seeing me, otherwise it's a nightmare trying to get out of the house.

When I am not in the house, DS gets along absolutely brilliantly with my DH, and is fine and dandy spending a day with his grandparents. And he'll happily play independently for bursts with them, but if I'm in the house he won't accept it unless I am 100% focussed on him the whole time. If my DH tries to entertain DS when I'm in the room DS ignores DH, or blatantly gets irritated by my DH and will snatch books or toys from my DH to give to me so it's me he's playing with.

I'm really struggling with this behaviour and it's making me not enjoy spending time with him whereas my DH and grandparents love spending time with a fun and chilled toddler. I feel like, because I've tried my best to play with him and stimulate him, he is now expecting this 100% of the time......I need to try to get him to understand that sometimes mummy has to be doing other things in the house and needs a bit of mummy time without having to go out.

Any advice most gratefully received

my dd1 is a bit like this with dp, he works full time and goes out some evenings so when he is in she clings to him and wants him to herself, she is 4, she isnt like it with me as she sees me a lot more. im afraid its just the way it is.

Have you tried giving him challenges? For example 'see if you can make a tower with these bricks before I get back from the loo' or 'I bet I can do the washing up quicker than you can do that puzzle' - make it into a game with an end goal. Have a star chart so he knows he gets a star if he 'wins' the challenge and can work towards earning a new toy or something nice.

Could your DP take him out and leave you at home? My DS loves going out for walks with Daddy in the dark - the dark seems quite exciting to young children!

Start small and eventually he'll have the confidence to let you have some 'me time'.

It's a phase they go through, for a few days just hitch him on your hip if you can or take him with you when you leave the room, even to go to the loo, plonk him down with one of his books just outside the door & keep up a verbal nonsense. It will reassure him you aren't leaving him (YOU know you aren't but he doesn't know the difference between you leaving the house & leaving the room properly yet)

If you have to do stuff just say firmly "right Mummy is doing the washing now do you want to come & help?" Give him pegs to sort or plastic pots to play with somewhere he can see & hear you but let you get on a bit. Make a game of it, it will be wearying at first but making it fun for him will stop him whining & being clingy which is stressful for you! Be firm that you need to do THIS but say then we can do THIS something more fun as a reward.

You won't have to do this for ever he will soon realise the reality and get bored of trailing you. When you DO have to go out it's big hug & kiss & say bye-bye darling, even if he screams, just go.

You shouldn't have to skulk around your own house! You are the adult he is the small person , be firm and consistant and get DH & DGP's to back you up and reinforce whatever actions you decide on.

I disagree that it's just the way it is.

Whilst there will be times when your child is going to be more attached to one person than others, if it's got to a point where you can't do anything and have to sneak out of the house so as not to cause a scene I would say you need to start to be firm.

The more you pander to it and give in and stay to have a conversation about it etc the worse it will be.

You need to be firm. That's not to say don't spend time with her, of course you still do that. But if you're doing something else or trying to have a conversation and she's wining or persisting then be firm. Tell her that "no, mummy is talking/doing the dishes/going to the toilet, go and play with Granny/daddy/your toys are over there..." If she starts to cry or bang her head put her in time out, in a room away from you, for two minutes.

If you need to go out then go out, through the front door. say "bye bye darling, Mummy will see you in the morning," give her a kiss and a cuddle and if she clings to you crying just peel her off and say bye bye and walk away.

It's hard, I know it's hard, I had the world's clingiest two year old. But you are the adult and she is the child, and she cannot be allowed to dictate your life to the point you have to eat your dinner and leave the house in secret. She just has to learn.

I don't know whether being firm would work? Would have with my son, but not with my clingy daughter.

I'm more prone to go with Bossybritches approach - it is hard but your son is telling you something - that for whatever reason right now he needs you more. It will pass - maybe give it a timeline in your head - 3 weeks say - where you give him all the attention and restrict adult conversations till after bedtime.

Maybe you have tried that already - in which case maybe you need to play games about shared attention and taking turns in conversation. Do try to make it fun - I have an anxious daughter and making things fun, and setting challenges seems to be the best approach.

I don't agree with "that's just the way it is" - all of my DCs have been through this, both with me and with DH depending on our circumstances at the time. Both DDs (3 and 4) have started it up again with DH since term started as they were used to Christmas time with everyone here, incl. grandparents and so were centre of attention to many for a long time.

If you can encourage him and praise him when he's doing things on his own, go over, give him a kiss or ruffle his hair or something physical when he is playing alone, he'll come to understand that it's a nice thing to do.

I also think giving warning about what you're going to do is important, and give him a choice about what he's going to do. Something along the lines of "we'll do this puzzle together, and when we've finished the puzzle, I'm going to go and prepare lunch. Would you like to read a book or play with your X?" (or do as a previous poster suggested, and ask if he wants to help, which can be a slower and messier way of doing it, but it involves you both).

Be fair to him. He's very very small and he spends almost all of his waking time away from his mum. On one day of the week he doesn't see you at all. That's not a criticism or a nursery rant, it's a fact, and of course he is going to cling to you when he does see you. Patience and tolerance are essential because if he feels pushed away it is going to make him even more clingy to you. Do encourage him to be a little more independent - there are some good suggestions above - but don't expect him to make quick progress. It will get easier as he gets older.

I had a 2-minutes look at "The 5 Love Languages of Children" today and one thing I saw talked about how for some children, "quality time" is how they feel love the best. That they need lots of 100%-attention time to feel securely loved.

I didn't read the chapter, only flicked through it, but agree it may be that your ds is trying to tell you what he needs. Lord knows none of those "be firm" approaches would have worked at all with my ds. He wasn't as bad as yours in this particular way (probably largely because I had a newborn at that stage and wasn't really going anywhere) but then again I rarely even try to go to the toilet on my own. I have always found giving him what he needs buys me more time later, iygwim. Once he's had his fix.

DS is like this at the moment and it's obvious why - we have a new baby taking me away.

Maybe there's a less obvious reason. As pointed out, you don't see him that often so maybe thats it? He's only 2 years old - tiny.

Involve him in what you're doing etc - DS loves helping me peel the potatoes for example or washing up. It really calms him down if I give him the focussed time and he gets less clingy.

I've had clingy kids myself, so I do understand how intense and suffocating it can feel to be needed / wanted so much. But please don't blame yourself for being a loving and attentive mum and somehow "causing" this behaviour. As others have said, it's a phase that lots of toddlers go through. I think you should feel proud of yourself for raising a toddler who is confident at nursery and happy to spend time with other adults. In a way, this is a compliment - he feels so relaxed and comfortable with you that he doesn't need to be a big grown up boy any more and relaxes back into more babyish behaviour.

You have had different advice above about being firm and insisting on him being more independent, or accepting this is how he is at the moment and trying to involve him in whatever you are doing. I believe that there is no right or wrong answer - just different parenting styles. Personally I would fall into the second category. If you are the same, try to make your life easier by not expecting to achieve too much (in terms of housework etc) when you are at home. Just enjoy your time with your DS. This phase won't last forever - you may even find that you feel sad when it passes and he doesn't need you so much!

Thanks for all your replies. Operation de-cling has started! On day one, my DH took him upstairs to play, and DS kicked off standing at the top of the stairs screaming mumma down, mumma down, but after a few minutes was playing happily in his nursery with his cars and daddy.....!!

Please tell me you're spending quality time with him too? I'm a bit :( at the idea of your son calling for you (mainly because since having DD I have so little time with DS one to one so miss it now it's gone)

"The more you pander to it and give in and stay to have a conversation about it etc the worse it will be.

You need to be firm."

What, with a 2 year old in full time nursery who wants his mum?????????

@ Iggly: I spend loads of quality time with him as at the weekend and in the evening playing, reading, eating meals together, taking him to the park, swimming and so on. But sometimes I do just need to go out of the room and do other stuff, not just to keep the house together, but for my own sanity (PND, that's another story). I'm not neglecting him by any stretch of the imagination. My husband needs to spend quality time with him too, and he can't at the moment if I'm in the house, so I do need to leave them to it sometimes and DS needs to know that I'm not going forever if I go out of the room.

Err I do feel that he is in nursery full time at a young age, pone of the evenings too you are out so I can see why he would be clingy. I am not suggesting you are neglecting him or anything but from his point of view he does not get to see you much.

I have to agree with seeker on this - he is only 2 and he wants his Mum, he is just a baby.

My Ds had a phase of being like this at about the same age (quite a long phase!), and he wasn't in nursery at all, was with me all day and all night, so it may not be connected to your ds going to nursery. He will grow out of it at some point

Look at it this way, if you were feeling a bit insecure, the last thing yoiu'd want is your DH being extra-distant from you to "teach" you not to be clingy. It doesn't work like that. It's hard, but it is a phase....

I agree - give the attention or let him see what you're doing and it will pass. DS is worse when teething etc but currently since I've been around more, he's much better (had been extra clingy since DD arrived). I don't think little ones get the concept of quality time, they just want time.

" My husband needs to spend quality time with him too, and he can't at the moment if I'm in the house, so I do need to leave them to it sometimes"

Ah, you see, I disagree there. I think with a 2 year old, it'sthe 2 year old's needs thwt ate important. Your husband is a grown up- he can understand that, just at the moment, your ds needs you more than he needs his dad. Thei will undoubtedly change- but it's not something you can force. It will just happen.

Hi waytoo, my thought is that your DS is missing you. My dd is quite clingy with me but the sociable and confident type at the same time. I thought I had to 'teach' her to be more independent of me, but got the advice to lavish her with attention instead. So I just indulge her if she's whining for attention, if I need to I pick her up and attempt to do some chores with her on my hip (she's nearly 30lb's so not easy!). I think it has been the right thing, I notice she's starting to not mind being out of my line of sight and play around the corner on her own whilst I get on with things etc. I often think if you don't know what to do, the loving thing is the right thing. Sorry 'operation de-cling' sounds a bit harsh to me. It sounds like you have had a rough time with PND etc and I don't know about you, but personally don't find being a working mum easy at all, but I'd really encourage you to first before being firm about it all, try to give him more time and attention and see what happens.

DS is 2.5 and he's behaving very much like your DS at the moment. He is also in nursery 8-4 Monday- Thursday and 8-1pm on Fridays. I know he's clingy with me, because he's missing me and he needs more of my time and attention.
It's sometimes wearing, especially when he's pushing his dad away, but mostly I just feel a bit guilty and sorry that he is in the situation where he's not getting enough time with me. He also loves nursery by the way and often doesn't want to leave when I come to pick him up.

My DD was like this from about 10 months even though I was at home with her full time at that point. I got to a point around 2 years old when I felt like it was 'ok' to cook dinner or tidy the kitchen for a short time without carrying her on my hip. So I started for short times saying "Mummy's busy you need to play by yourself" and she didn't like it to start with but she did get the idea after a few days. Or I would say "Yes I will read you a book after I have done X".

Sometimes you just need to give yourself permission, I expect because you work FT you feel a bit guilty not giving him attention 100% of the time, but for my DD I felt she was old enough and it was good for her to learn to amuse herself a bit. She's really good now at 2.5.

Seeker yes, if the op needs to leave the house then realistically she cannot stay and have a long drawnout conversation about it during which time her ds will become more and more distressed.

I agree. But if I understand correctly, the OP is saying that she wants to leave her son with her dp in order for her dp to hqve quality time with their son. This is whwt I am questioning. Of course if she needs to go out, she needs to go- no question about this. But manufacturing "quality time" is always a concept thwt makes me rais an eyebrow.