Ds being 'cruel' to friend

[notmesomeoneelse]

I've changed my name for this as I am feeling shy and don't want anyone thinking bad things of my little boy! Ds is 3 next month and recently a few times he has done some rather silly things to one of his friends. It is a little girl who is a bit sensitive, they mostly get on well but if ds does something she doesn't like she will make quite a big fuss about it. Instead of stopping, it seems to amuse him and he carries on doing it, while his friend is standing there crying. Ds will watch with a smile on his face.

He is a gorgeous little boy in other ways and very gentle with me and especially kind to babies. I don't know why he is doing this but I wonder if his friend's reaction just amuses him and he carries on to see what will happen. Of course me or the other mum intervene as soon as we see it but I can't help worrying about a) it looks like he is developing a cruel streak and I worry what the girl's mum will think and b) how can I teach him this is wrong? I talk to him afterwards, make him say sorry, give a cuddle etc which he will do happily but when will he start to learn empathy? It bothers me that he does not already realise he should stop when his friend cries, is this normal for a nearly 3 year old?

To give you an example last week they were playing in her room and he was kicking her bed. She didn't like it and started to cry but he carried on until I came in and told him to stop. Another time they were playing with some soft toys, throwing them about, and he started throwing them at her head. I don't think it would have hurt, but obviously she didn't like it, however I again had to tell him to stop and then to apologise. Is this normal and how can I help him learn to feel compassion?

I can sort of relate to this. Ds, 4 next week, sometimes displays this kind of cruel streak towards ds2 (2 in March). He seems to enjoy ds2's distress, which obviously worries me. I'm hoping he will grow out of it and just try to impress upon him that it's not nice to make people feel sad.

At the moment he's obsessed with Lazytown where the main character is called Sportacus, so every time he does something naughty I say "Sportacus wouldn't do that, he's kind" and it seems to be working.

Does your ds have a favourite character that you could use in this way?

I will be looking out to see what other replies you get as it is very disappointing when your own child behaves unpleasantly.

Don't know if it's any use but I think it isn't enjoyment you're seeing, it's fascination and curiosity. In a paradoxical way it's the first stirrings of a sense of empathy - but it starts with exploring the idea that other people can be hurt and that their feelings are real. When I was five I walked up to a boy I was fond of at school and kicked him, really hard, in the shin and then stood and watched as he collapsed in tears. My mother and the teacher were horrified. The thing is, I remember doing it. There had been a similar kicking incident in the payground the week before which had really upset and confused me. I didn't understand the mechanism and how it made someone cry. I'm not cruel or a sociopath now!!! but I can see it with my own boys - DS1 is 3 now and he's starting to experiment with the idea that other people experience things, good and bad, with the same intensity that he does. It's a pretty big idea to digest, after thinking the whole world is a figment of your imagination. I'll be interested to see what other people say - but it doesn't sound to me as though your son has a real "cruel streak". It's far too early to conclude that.

notmesomeoneelse, I'm no expert at all, but I really don't think I would be too worried. Isn't it more cause and effect. I do something and look what happens? Of course I would be terribly worried if he was 13 but 3?

I personally think he's not being malicious just curious, and you're obviuosly doing the right thing by correcting his behaviour.

X post meanold!!!

Oh good you don't think I'm evil then!!!

Yes I should have said it appears he is developing a cruel streak - I personally don't think he is, but I know how I would feel if I was the girl's mum. She hasn't said anything to me but I dread to think of her mentioning it to other people

I just wonder when children start to behave kindly and with compassion, and how I can encourage it?

My DS went through a similar thing recently, not with other children, but with my animals, predominantly my dog, (as the cats don't stick around). He went through stage of tormenting her, chasing her, harrassing her to the point she would go to her basket to get away from him, (she would never ever hurt him). I told him and told him that it was wrong, would make him say sorry to the dog, and wxplained that he wouldn't like it if someone did that to him would he. The clincher came when he pulled her ear and made her yelp. I will absolutely not tolerate any cruelty to animals, I never let him crawl all over her etc when he was a baby etc. And when he hurt her like that that was it. One of his favourite toys was removed to the top of a cupboard where he could see it but not reach it, for 3 days. and I explained to him very definitely that hurting other people or animals is very wrong and we don't do it, not ever. and he has never done it again.

Do any people here this evening have any ideas please?

They're all me me me at this age and can't really put themselves in other childrens positions. I agree with the posters who say its cause and effect he's smiling at. I tell my 5 yo and 3 yo that x y z behaviour hurts XXX feelings. It has back fired on me though as if ds 3 yo gets told off by me he says "you've hurt my feelings" and sulks